I have just moved into a house converted into bedsits, I have had an awful love life with abuse ( being raped by two men once when I was 16 where I was repeatedly raped of a few weeks and threatened with telling anyone then again at 18 when my drink was spiked by a colleague)
My mother is on her third marriage her first my biological father was abusive and hit myself and my mother but not my brother who also took his aggression out on me and hit me. Her second marriage, my younger sisters dad I treated like my father, he's a very kind man but he worked a lot and we barely saw him and he struggles emotionally to be there for me. Him and my mother cheated on each other and then split up, my mother told me she was cheating which ruined my relationship with my grandparents who I was very close with because I had to ly to them about it.
Her third marriage was with a man who would wait up for me after my mother was in bed and would grope me and put his hands down my bra and pretend to fall asleep while he was doing so I was petrified and didn't know what to do so just stayed away from him when I eventually told my mother her and the rest of the family accused me of lying and she said he was just being fatherly!
Since moving away I have told my brother what I think of him and how I won't be attending his wedding which has meant that I've lost my friends because his future wife was my best friend- I just can't give my blessing for her to be abused and owned by my brother who has never been there for me.
I moved away to start a year long apprenticeship in nursing but a year ago I was in a car accident at the time I was out of work I sustained injuries to my back which I though would go away it has turned out to be scoliosis caused by trauma which has meant that I'm in agony 24/7 and I'm signed of work for the foreseeable future I'm awaiting benifits to pay my overdue rent and I'm compleatly broke, I'm trying to turn my life around and get over my past and abuse by standing up for myself and taking people out of my life that dump on me and put me down, I've been told all my life (24years) that I'm ugly, ****** up, crazy, weird etc. Due to this I have no self confidence and body dysmorphia I struggle with sexual relationships I'm petrified and it's full of scary memories. I need some help and I don't know what to do I'm very alone and my body image and confidence effects me everyday! Can anybody help me and give me any advice?
DilEmmaxXx DilEmmaxXx
26-30, F
1 Response Aug 17, 2014

Dear DilEmmaYou not alone. I've been there except being injured. Half of your stories I've been thru! I pray every day. Always put God first, do you know prayers do wonders it takes the heavy load you carry of your shoulders. You can't forget what's been done to you forgive and start over find .yourself first. I was insecure with relationshipMe too I was sexual abused andRaped. I couldn't talk to my relatives about it because it's a shame I'm Asian so we never could talked about sexual abused or rape it's just they won't listen. Don't you feel insecure of yourself I did that too I'm 5"1 I was full figured and so insecure of myself I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I had lowe self a steam about the way I look, but I always keep my head up high, I wasn't feeling it to go to the mall (?) Because I hated to look myself in the mirror I was fat ugly no confidence in myself so I go to Wal-Mart :-)So for you I will say keep your head up high change your style get a new make over and go to church find God. Love will come to you. With me I was looking for a relationship and it always ended up with being by myself so now I'm 51 and still by myself because I'm loving it and the reason why I said it, is for the simple reason that I was tired of break ups and looking for love in all the wrong reason.I

Thankyou very much for your response it's nice to know I'm not the only one who's been through all this! Did you ever have therapy or anything? How did you get to a point where you alone and happy with your own company I find it really difficult? I really want to get better and I'd love to have my own family one day I just feel so damaged and it's feels so unfair because it's not my fault this has happened but I'm haunted daily by it all x