Fake It Until You Make It...no More.
Since i was a teenager, I've heard the phrase "Fake it until you make it." I have sometimes put this saying to action. Primarily in my professional life. My cousin and I were best friends until she went to 7th grade. We are a year apart so while she was in jr high school I was still in elementary school. I had friends but I really felt rejected by her. I never confronted her about but just rationalized it as kids growing apart. The following year, I sought to find the same experiences, making new friends. I found one friend. She was really nice. I intentially set out to be her friend because she was different and pretty. I then discovered that her family was pretty well-off. I then set out to show her that I didnt want to be her friend because of her families money. We were close friends throughout jr high and high school. But as we got older there seem some tension when it came to certain issues. Like for boys for example. On several occassions, when a boy was paying close attention to me, she would literally create some diversion to bring the attention to herself. In the end she walked away with the boy. This sort of behavior continued into our 20s. At some point I begin speaking openly to her about how nasty she could be towards people, including me. She became of aware of it but nothing really changed in that respect. By age 27 our 17 yr friend was coming to a close. I remember her saying to me, two weeks after I was her maid of honor in her marriage, "you and i were never friends, we just hung out together." I was hurt and felt like a fool. Because even after hearing that I still tried to be her friend. The truth is, i think that from the first day i met her i have being trying to prove myself worthy. Its sad, i know. but true. And even though we are no longer friends, i am still trying to prove myself worthy to everyone around me. Wanting my family to feel prideful and approving of whatever i do. Daring not to make a mistake. I'm 36 now, so this has been going on practically my entire life. If i am intimadated by someone at work, i feel myself shrink and perform less than what i am capable of. When these people aren't around, i am filled with confidence and assertiveness. Over the last year, i worked really hard to obtained a position i feel i am qualified for. Last week I was told even though i am doing the job "I am not worthy." At least thats how i interpreted the message. My husband is really disappointed that i am displaying such insecurity. But i've been faking it and i simply can't keep this up. I don't to feel like my success and self worth are determined by how others view me. But i can't help it. I wish like hell i can ignore everyone and not care what they are thinking about. Faking it has gotten me what others view an success life and marriage, but i feel in my heart that i have not reached my full potential. But i am also realizing that my faking it cant get me to the next level. I've got to get over this. Its been more than 3 yrs since i spoke to that ex-friend and even longer since i've seen her. I often think about her but know in my heart she hasn't thought about me. I've been told to "get over it, get on with your life" but what i'm dealing with has less to do with her and more about how i feel about myself. Nothing ever seems good enough, especially when i compare myself to her my manager at work, any anyone else who i seem to "shrink" around. I have a wonderful husband, combined our household income is about $120k, we have a beautiful home and we really are able to do what we want. There are very few challenges i have not overcome. But this is one monkey i can't shake. i've tried recalling memories as a child to see what experiences may have influenced these feelings. The only thing i can remember is while in elementary school being picked on because of my height and big eyes. I was never the popular girl, more of the school girl. Good grades were always important to me. I always wanted to please my mom. Still do. i was a virgin until age 17, and many crushes. Come to think of it, i think i've always been insecure. Even though i had friends and everyone knew me, i was never the first choice. Always seemed to come second to someone else. I remeber in 7th grade, a girl who i thought was my friend, suddenly declared herself my enemy number 1. I received the rumor that she wanted to fight me. I was very confused. this was someone whom i shared everything with a like sister. When we came face to face, she said to me "i want to fight you because i dont like you. When we do fight I'm going to pull all your hair out." a few days later we got into a fight, because i had to defend myself. It was strange because i was fighting someone and didnt really understand why and had no negative feelings about. I was told years later she regretted because it was her jealousy that led her to feel this way. Its strange what you remember. But what that tells me is that i'm still holding on to the past. Could this be the reason why i feel the way i do today about myself? how do i forget the bad without forgetting the good?
Well, this is my story. I'm here because i have no where else to turn. I've tried to talk to family and they think i'm spoiled instead of someone with ambition.