Where Did Love Go For Me...

When I start to think about what my answer to life is I always say the same thing "I want to be married. I want children. I want to be loved." But there are things in my life that surround an emptiness that I can't describe. I go around all day feeling...blank. I feel nothing. I see nothing and if there was a thought that echoed in my mind it would be nothing but silence because I literally think of nothing. Just an empty little shell that walks about and smiles at random strangers. That speaks when spoken to. That when driving in a car alone is enough to drive you mad.

It begins at something that tugs at your own soul. I've had a tugging for years. I want a family of my own and I want a life of unspeakable love that your own heart would burst at the type of love. I can't find it anywhere. I know it's out there but I just can't find it. My friends, my family, all around me-I see love. I see love beginning, I see it ending, and I see something that I cannot fully grasp. I can't find or hold onto any sort of love-not anywhere.

Where I look for love is in empty places like bars and out of desperation.  I use to be so choy when I was younger. I would waive a man away because I was picky. I would beckon another if I wanted to. I was powerful and I thought "this is just for fun-I'll toy with them now and later in life I'll settle down." Well here I am...I want to settle down. But where are you? Where is that someone for me?

I'm not suicidal-I love my life just like I love all small children that I come across or an old couple holding hands. But my insides burn, my heart breaks, and I die a little bit each day that I walk this earth alone.  What is it in life if there is no one to share it with. What is Christmas morning without a son or daughter to spoil with talk of Santa?

What is it about my own life that I have to constantly struggle with being independent and being a strong woman? Why do I always have to be the strong one in everything I do? I sit alone, I eat alone, and I come home alone. My thoughts are so out there and so above the common vultures that even my own family and friends have time to talk to me.  I work hard, my career is just beginning, and I have so many thoughts and dreams to share but no one to ever share them with. Have you ever sat and talked with someone and when  it comes to what's on your mind it's a passing "uh-huh" or a "well..." but leaves you with nothing? My friends say much to me but when it comes to when I speak: they barely hear a sound.

I even shared my bed with too many because it felt like love at the time. Now the thought of sex disgusts me because it is not with the one I truly want in life. I know the feeling isn't the same and I know when I do lay down with a man the ache turns into a burning fire and I turn and look away until he is done with me. I feel low and I feel useless. I can't even go out and see friends because what is the point-he is not out there for me! He is not at that bar drinking with his guy friends thinking these thoughts because his thoughts lay in a bed to a woman he does not know.

I look in the mirror and my reflection is of youth and what a man would want. My hobbies are what interest men; I cook and clean and can sew. I am a caregiver, I look after friends when they aren't sick, I am the kind of girl that gives thank you cards for nice gestures. And yet here I am. I feel at a loss for what kind of person I am. I think of myself as a good human being, or at least I did. I know I've made me mistakes and I know I've paid for them for the years of my own lonilness. I do not want to be alone anymore. I want my children, I want my husband, and I want to make a life for my whole family.

Life isn't a party-it is a strategy. I can't help feel I am at a loss for where I move next....

barelyliving26 barelyliving26
26-30, F
Feb 16, 2010