From Stay-at-home-mom To Non-custodial Mom

I lost custody of my children to the court system and a very abusive and manipulating man who is the father of my children because he has a lawyer who is just relentless. It has been a heartwrenching experience after being a stay-at-home-mom to four for almost fourteen years. Its been a long drawn out custody battle for the last five years now. He recently remarried and since his new wife has been in the picture she has completely alienated my children from me. She has made it where I cannot even call the house to even speak to them anymore. I went from seeing them every wkend every holiday and every birthday to having no contact or visits with them at all. The last custody order that was put in place I was granted every other wkend visits and holidays and birthdays and two wks out of the summer. He was actually granting me more parenting time than that what was in the court order, I was seeing them every wkend and even more than just two wks over the summer. I never missed a holiday or birthday with them. Last summer I filed for a modification petition of the custody order, seeking joint custody once again. When I got my new appointed public defender asked me, “If he is granting you visits every wkend, then while would I want to file a motion for modification…why rock the boat?” I told her I would like to re-establish joint custody again. When I did that I he went right back to his usual ways because I took him back to court.

He was only giving them to me, I think because he had his new girlfriend, so I think they just wanted time together without the kids around, it was more less his way of “pawning them off on me” basically, but I was appreciative to have all the wkend visits that he was giving me. I was even getting them every Thursday visit too, which was also stipulated in the court order. It further states that no third-party intervene and since he has been with this new girl she has done everything she can to intervene. I was granted a public defender because I cannot afford a private one myself, but he has a very high priced lawyer, so every time we go back to court it costs him money. Once I took him back to court, that’s when it all changed, why…because ‘I rocked the boat’.

He was very controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive I left him five years ago and took my children into safe housing, once I did that that’s when our whole world changed. At the very beginning we had joint custody, shared physical placement with alternating wks, this went well for a little while, until he started keeping them from me and turning them against me, saying things to the sort that I was unstable, and an unfit mother. He was setting out to destroy me and break me down in every way that he could. He succeeded, almost five months after leaving him he made my life unbearable and I did something that ultimately changed everything. I attempted suicide, I could not take it anymore he literally broke me down where I actually believed that my children were better off without me (please understand my children were not with me when I did this, they were with him). After I physically recovered from it, and was hospitalized in a mental health unit for depression, I learned through yrs of therapy that it was the abuse from him and emotional torment I endured for almost thirteen long years that lead me to that point. There is a very long history of his control and abuse and when I made the choice to try and end my life he was automatically granted full custody of our four children. I was already losing my custody case against him, because he was able to prove to the courts that I was emotionally unstable, I had nothing to offer my children, he had everything, the house the job, the money I had nothing because when I left him with our children I left with nothing but the clothes on our backs. He used to always tell me if I ever tried taking the kids from him, he would make it where I could never see them again.

When he was granted full custody, he had requested me to be supervised while I had my visits (there were four supervisors on the list and they were all family members) this again went well only at the beginning until he started violating the court order, by refusing to let me see them once again using all tactics that he can. Not answering the phone when I call, ignoring my messages, etc. I took him back to court for violation of the court order, my case was then passed too another attorney. When it went to court, he offered a deal, he offered to drop the supervision if I agreed to drop the violations, I made the mistake and actually agreed to his terms, but it was stipulated that our oldest child always be present, (basically as another supervisor who was still a minor). I have since learned this was another way of him maintaining control. Months after this it got extremely complicated he started again with his head games and manipulated his authority of having custody of our children. He would pick and choose when I could see the kids.

Since last year, when he met his new wife, he moved them into her place because she had a $100,000.00 home he put the only home that they ever knew up for rent the house they grew up in the house I raised them in. When they first started seeing each other is when he was allowing me to see them on a weekly basis. He was actually having them call me to see if I was gonna see them every wkend, everytime they called I never told them no. I was always willing to let them come for the wkend, and that all changed when I took him back to court for modification of the original custody order. Now in the last year he has married her (they flew to vegas and got married) and since she has been their “new mom” step-mom technically she has done everything in her power to stop me from having any visitation with them, she has cut all contact with them from me completely. Since November of 2011 I missed having Thanksgiving with them, I missed Christmas Eve with them and every one of their birthdays this year, even Easter and Mothers Day and my own birthday too. I went from seeing them every wkend to not being able to see them at all. They just started a new school year, and I could not even talk to them to see how their first day of school went and our oldest is a senior this year. I will not allow him to let me miss out on our son’s graduation. My grandma passed away last month just before my birthday and he would not even acknowledge the fact that she was their family, (because he ignored my efforts in trying to talk to them about it).

Its been unbearable, I have just public defender and I feel like I am getting screwed over by the family court system. I just want to be able to talk with other moms who are going thru the same thing.
mamabutterfly mamabutterfly
36-40, F
3 Responses Sep 17, 2012


Thanks Rainmom, I know exactly what you mean about the family court system, thats how I feel. I feel like I dont even have a chance in court, because I have just a public defender and to me they make me feel like my case is unimportant, like I am just another case to them. I thought about contacting my congressmen too, I thought about writing a letter to the public, to the editor of my local paper, but I was adviced not to while Im still going through court proceedings because the courts will frown upon that if I make a public spectable of it, damaging my case. When this is all over, I do plan to forego with that. I think there needs to be some kind of law changed, something needs to be done when it comes to law enforcement saying they cant intervine in custody cases. Sadly though in the mean time, I am not able to see my children still until it goes back to court, because he will not volunteerily give them to me even for a visit.
Thank you kindly for your reply, and Im sorry that you are going through the same and I hope that you are reunited with your daughter too.
Take care, and my thoughts are with you

I swear if I didn't know better, this was my story. The family court system is for sale and often goes to the highest bidder. I've recently contacted my state reps in hopes of finding help to get my autistic daughter back where she belongs: with me. I like to believe that there is a special place in Hell for people who use their kids as pawns. It violates the most innocent parties in the matter. Please take care! :-)