A Love So Strong...a Pain So Deep!

I'm a non custodial mom of 3 beautiful children aged 8, 12 and 14 as well as a custodial mom of a 6 year old bundle of joy. I divorced my ex 5 years ago after 10 years of marriage. Nine of those years I worked and ran the home but I wasn't allowed access to my own money. He controlled everything including me. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without all our kids at my side. He NEVER touched me except when he wanted to be intimate and only spoke when he was telling me what to do or what he thought of my...according to him...crazy mind. I went along with it all because I thought it was best for the kids. Then one day I met a friend of a friend who was in our state on business and we talked for hours. When he returned home we chatted and it made me realize how unhappy I was and how it affected the kids. Then the last straw came my ex decided he wasn't going to share our bed anymore. What was I staying for I asked. The kids and I move in with my parents. My mom was going to take care of my kids while I worked and things were going to be ok! Two days later my mom passed away. I had to be strong for my kids and my dad. My youngest son was in hospital for a week almost every month and I lost my job. To top it all my ex was paying his child support in bits and pieces and with our court system I spent a lot of time waiting. Meanwhile my friend and I kept in contact and he was a pillar of strength. Fast forward 4 years...I had become a depressed, sad, unemployed and almost anorexic thin. There were times I would go days without eating so my kids and dad would eat. Then my shattered world imploded! My dad announced he was getting married and he wanted me and the kids to move out!!!! I had no where to go, my family were not hands on and though they always said they there for me....they were not. I enquired at shelters but after visiting a few I could not bare to take my kids there. So I decided that my ex would take reidential custody of the kids. He agreed but to taking the youngest. I wanted the best for my kids but I also wanted them with me. I decided what I wanted for me wasn't important and I let the 3 go. The day I packed their clothing it felt like I was being ripped apart. Just remembering it brings tears to my eyes. When they left I couldn't even stand. Life for me was over. I moved into the shelter and a month later my friend proposed. I said no...there was no way I would leave te state my kids lived in. Two months later...he moved to my state. We are married today and I should be happy but every single day that I don't have my kids there is a pain in my soul so deep. It hurts to know I'm not there when they fall or laugh or cry. I'm not there when they wake from a bad dream....it hurts all the time. My ex turned my second eldest against my new husband. The other two want o live with me. I've been to court and the judge decided he won't put kids through another uprooting. I question myself about my decision everyday and every night I cry into my pillow.
Alwaysemptymom Alwaysemptymom
36-40
1 Response Dec 12, 2012

Your story is tragic! And sadly, a bad person has the power. I was in a similar situation. I agonized over my decision but ultimately, I had no choice. I hope that you are able to spend time with your kids and keep a connection even when they're not with you. If your ex tries to interfere, take him to mediation. Children of divorce have rights!! And so do you! They will always be your babies! That's a bond so strong and so pure!! Find other mothers for support, and hang in there!!