You Know You Are a Nurse If...

You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazapam, and Compazine

You've ever thought, 'Patients, God love 'em, because today, I sure don't!'

You've ever been telling work stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw-up.

You believe all bleeding stops...eventually and don't get excited about blood loss-unless it's your own.

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you've obviously don't understand the situation.

Ever rolled your eyes when the 14 year-old says, "No, I've never had sex"

You can eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand, and it doesn't bother you.

You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick."

You can identify the 'PID Shuffle" and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 15 feet.

You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."

You think the ultimate cruel joke is get someone drunk, take them to the ER and tell them he OD 'd on 'some kind of pills".

You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily.

You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status

Your most common assessment question at 2 am is "Why is this an emergency now?"

You don't believe 90% of what you're told, and 75% of what you see

You firmly believe that 'too stupid to live' should be a diagnosis

You believe a book entitled 'Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time' will be your next project.

You've ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don't know how that got stuck in there"

You have ever had a patient say, "I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant! I can't be having a baby!"

you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase, "wow, it is really quiet" is uttered

you mutter, "great veins" when being introduced to a complete stranger

you have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

you always try to schedule days off around the phases of the moon.

You believe sick people don't *****.

You believe the more equipment you see on a nurses belt, the newer they are.

You believe when dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.

You believe If the child is quiet, be scared.

You never trust crash cart, drug box or airway bag to be fully stocked.

You believe in the underwear theory of charting: Keep your *** covered!

You believe the best patients are SIR...Sedated, Intubated and Restrained

You want to throttle anyone that states: Night shift must be so boring, all the patients do is sleep.

You have told a patient to "get some rest now" and they die right then and there in front of you and all of their family members.

You believe that no matter how much you care, some people are just ********.
Candita Candita
22-25, F
16 Responses Jul 15, 2007

nice one! Just administered an enema to a patient a few nights back and ran to the cafeteria for dinner just 5 minutes after,I was really hungry. didnt even put a dent on my appetite. <br />
<br />
And I do find myself looking at a stranger's hands and muttering, "great veins". LOL

Thank you for a good laugh......I'm a nurse of 15 years and my background has been all Neuro related with drug & ETOH w/drawal thrown in there....Ativan, Haldol,& Seroquel...all great friends. Restraints, security,& wandering patients...all common features...it's a wonder I'm not crazy with all I have to deal with when I'm the Charge...I really believe people have no idea what nurses go through. We all should be getting paid a lot!!!! But since that's not the case, i do enjoy what I do and someone's gotta take care of those Neuro patients....

Love it, you need a slightly dark sense of humour in our profession ;)

Haha! I love this! This is so very true! My fave is the sharing of gross events at work at the dinner table and having other nurses laughing and non nurses turning green! lol Happens all the time!

You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazapam, and Compazine <br />
<br />
You firmly believe that 'too stupid to live' should be a diagnosis <br />
<br />
You believe when dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say. <br />
<br />
you mutter, "great veins" when being introduced to a complete stranger <br />
<br />
You believe in the underwear theory of charting: Keep your *** covered! <br />
<br />
...These are sooo GOOD! I still tell people they have great veins. The look at me like I'm sick, but RN's get it.

I love it!

God help us; If you have this fiely honed level of cynicism at your tender age, imagine meeting you professionally when you are really old, like 30. Still gonna print this for my wife, she's a nurse and will get a laugh

I've seen variations of this list all over the place. And you know what? It still never gets old.

Too funny:) But oh so true. One of the reasons I work in CMICU-dipravan and ativan are my friends!!

You rock, evey single statement is true. I just had a pacu pt that had 100 of something anesthia, 20 of fent, 70 of demerol all in 1hour 45 minutes and as soon as she saw her family was floppying, moaning, crying in pain.....give me a break .....some people just need to have pain 10/10 ....i discovered today i like pacu..... 45 minutes and you can turf these attentions seeking presctiption drug addicts.

I reqally really really like the "awake and stupid" and "too stupid to live" remarks.

I have been a nurse for 33 yrs and I LOVE your post. It takes someone thats been around for a long time to really appreciate this. I have been outa nursing for about 5 yrs now. It just no fun anymore. You cant take care of the patients for all the bs cover ya *** stuff, then the famlies come in and really screw up your day. I mean...its not like you just have their loved one as a patient. What about the other 11? Man its nice to hear that stuff from someone. The only nurses I know right now are so green.

Yes good ol TLC, i am a new nurse of a year and yet i can understand just about each and every line ....very entertaining....thanx

I LOVE THIS! ITS SOOO TRUE AND FUNNY!

Great true lines of the trade. But I must admit your scaring me because I have not worked in a hospital yet. ive worked in a detox at night though and once I finish my RN oh boy. ;)

Glad you like, hope you got a kick out of it :)