Variety Is The Spice Of Life, But Not When It Comes To Lovers

him: lemme ask you a question

me: yes?

him: suppose
i get a hall pass
and first thing i do
is a 5 day weekend
 in the west
 then i fly home
 back to work
 back to work
 would we say to each other
hey, in just another few years
 we can make that nightly
 or might we say
 Hall Pass
 to all

me: applies to all?

him: meaning if you get involved with someone
 or i get involved with someone
 one times
 * smiles *

 ~ Chat 7 September, 2012

I get excited when he speculates about being with me, even though he's done so before and backed out.  But that was when it would have been cheating.  He's talking about separating these days.  Not, it should be noted, divorcing.  Separating.  That's a horse of a different colour.  He's hedging his bets, not committed to leaving his wife.  I get it, of course.  It's a big step to take, especially when you've been married as long as he has.  And I'm hardly one to talk, since I'm still with my own husband despite not being happy.  There are reasons.  There are always reasons.  But whether they are good reasons is questionable.

Still, my heart had leapt when he spoke of separating because it meant I had a shot at winning his heart, and he wouldn't have the moral conflict he would have had we made love while he was still married.  He is not a cheater, this guy.  I didn't want to turn him into one even as I lusted mightily for his sweet bod.  Separated, he could have loved me without getting twisted inside, without compromising his beliefs.  And maybe, just maybe, he might have then been moved to go through with a divorce and the space in the bed next to him would have been freed up so when I get divorced, I could occupy that space.

But he said something that had me wondering.  He talked about asking for a hall pass of his own.  And my heart sunk a bit, because men with hall passes are not sleeping in beds with open space.  When they are not ******* around, they are in bed with their wives.  There is no room in the bed for me.

Yet he said something that made my heart sing for  second, when he asked if I thought whether, after we engaged in a five day hall pass adventure, we might someday become more permanent.

would we say to each other
hey, in just another few years
we can make that nightly

I played it cool, and focused on the next bit only, the question of whether we'd agree to use our respective hall passes with other men and women.  Or whether we would "go steady," if you will.  Like in that song in Bye, Bye, Birdie, where the girls talk about getting pinned.  I made it clear I would not try to restrain him, but that I would choose to remain limited to him.  Or, I suppose, limited to him and whomever we might invite to join us in a *********.  I'm just not built to give my heart to more than one man at a time.  I tried and failed pretty spectacularly.  And now I find that my thoughts are so consumed with him that I am having trouble kissing with my husband.  But I do not presume to control with whom he might dally.  I'd be crazy to ask him to remain true to me alone.  And yet, that's precisely what I'd love to do.  To get him to agree that we are fabulous together, and that in a couple years, we should fully share our lives.

I've spent the better part of two years test driving a lot of men via correspondence and chat.  Very few come anywhere close to the way I feel about him. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate shopping for vehicles.  It's such a drawn out, research-filled project.  I evaluate very carefully so that once I buy a car, I keep it forever, until the darned thing dies on me.  I could see it being that way with this man.  

hey, in just another few years
we can make that nightly

Yes, please, love.  I'd like that so very much.
milkynips milkynips
46-50, F
Sep 16, 2012