I'm Lost

I was born as a Muslim, but since I was a kid, I found myself was attracted to magic. I began my research when I was in junior high school. Islam has taught me that magic is forbidden and a magic practitioner should be killed. It frightened me, but didn't stop me because I was so curious. I used to feel that my heart was in the wrong place. My searching wasn't easy too, because I live in Indonesia and there was no valuable literature about magic at that time, until I learned to use internet. Then I found about magic, witchcraft, and the fact that there is a real witch out there. When I read that article, for the first time I felt like, “I'm home!” However, it took me many years until I've had enough courage to perform a dedication ritual.
I was happy, enlightened, and at peace at that time. I enjoyed my new “connection” with the divine around me. I don't follow any particular path. When people asked, I will call myself “wiccan”. But I feel more like a witch than a wiccan because I don't follow Wicca tradition. Then I found that the Goddess has blessed me with a power of empathy. Well, I think I've become an empath since I was a teenager. My friends used to tell me everything and I always ended up being overwhelmed by their emotions. It just like I was the one who experience all of their stories & sadness. I even felt what my friends didn't tell me. It depressed me a lot and I've become an expert in avoiding people and disappearing completely from my friends' radar. However, I was still happy with all of those dramas. But it was many years ago.
Now, I've seen so many evil in human's heart. I've felt so many disappointment (not just mine, but also from other people). I used to believe a sincerity, but then I found that people around me is using me for their own gain. Even one of my ex best friend did that too. Almost everyone take my kindness for granted, including the man who I love the most. I cry almost every night, mourn the same thing everyday, and I think the Goddess is already bored with it. I was a positive person. But now I am bitter, full of sarcasm, and confused. I've lost my purpose of life. I feel like I live in the dark. I've tried anything I can to return to the light, but it just didn't work. I've learned to enjoy the dark side of my life. I've tried to find the lesson behind all of these. But to be honest, I'm getting tired already...
Now, I just want to be happy and at peace again. I'm not saying that I'm disappointed with the Goddess or magic. Believe me, my heart is still there. I am more disappointed with human, with this world...