I Am a Pansexual
First, I'd like to say before I start... that I've always felt attraction between both genders... since I was 4 or 5 years old. I experimented with sexuality since then. I can clearly say that it was not always upon physical attraction... instead it was their personality...the way they carried themselves. Just them! And, long story short... I ignored it for way too long. And one day, I exploded.
... I just finished freshman year today.
My highschool is filled with closed minded arrogent wanna-be's. (But, I will admit there are a few good people that I'm glad I've met) I dislike labels. I never fit into any of them. I don't plan on it either.
Anyways, it all started in early 7th grade. I started watching shows on TV with bisexual people, and gays. I'd watch transgender men and women tell there stories on the internet and on TV, I'd watch gay people from a distance and admire them secretly. Oh, and don't forget the ****. Lots of gay ****. But, not a lot of lesbian ****. Just guy on guy stuff. Of course, no one knew. I loved watching them. They always amused me.
I never felt like "Oh my gosh! I want to be gay!" No, no no... it was nothing like that! Infact, I found them of another world that I NEVER dared to enter. I would always tell myself that. "No, your not gay! You don't like girls! You like boys. mmm yes! come on you know you do! You wore a necklace in 4th grade that said boycrazy on it! You have to be straight!" Then, in the middle of 7th grade I met a girl, her name was Tiffany. And, together we both grew together as friends. Except, she was the one who found out she was bisexual. I stayed in complete sexual fustration. Lying to myself. Telling myself I was straight. My reason being: my religion. Yes, thats right folks... I'm a christian. I knew that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ever felt sexually attracted to a girl, a woman! I prayed to God every night... telling him to cleanse my mind of my terrible and unholy thoughts for the same sex..
Yeah sure, they were gone for a while. Only because I ignored them.(And I thought God was cleaning me of my "sin") I was messing around with a girl at school at the time, and she started saying rumors of me that I was bisexual. (and she said she was bi too, but honestly she only did it for the boys attention) Thats what made me drop everything at the time. It pissed my off that everywhere I walked in middle school people would laugh behind there hands infront of their filthy mouths. Which only caused MORE of sexual fustration for me.
My dreams... my heart. It was longing for purity in the strange world of sexuality. My thoughts never went away. They stayed there. I actually hated my self for a while.
Later in early 8th grade I discussed with one of my close friends one night that I hated the thoughts I had. I hated the fact that I had interest in both men and women. They were both so beautiful to me...
And, I will never forget what she said... "Once you've felt that way, it'll never change if it is a true feeling."
I let it sink into me, what she said to me... it made so much sence. But, I hated it. I hated reality. My feelings. The truth. I wanted for it to all go away!
Later, around November... I will never forget what happend between a girl and I when she stayed over for 3 days at my house. Of course, she was using me as her sex toy at the time. But, I didn't realise this until later. Much MUCH later. I was so confused and fustrated... I just dreamt when I was with her. Nothing matterd to me when we were together. It's like fantasy itself was infront of me... everything was just a game. And, It was so much fun.
A month later, it was December... we had both written sexual stories for one another. (which included us in it) Trust me, it was very explicit. Her mom finds the story I wrote in her house in her daughters room. I get in trouble. My parents question my sexuality. I said I wasn't gay. (I wasn't lying) But, I was just so confused... and they knew that. But, my parents being the moderatly strict christians they didn't let me hang out or have sleep over with girls until summer of that year.
During this time I became very depressed, even though I'd see the girl everyday at school and we had gym together... and had "sexy time" in the locker rooms I found it hard to recover mentally, because I felt like I was drowning in a big pool of lust and desire. I didn't love her more than a friend. But, she did...At the time no one looked at me with respect. So, I started to dabble with Wicca. I attempted to transfer my spirit to the astrial plains... but, I saw something I will never forget, and I stopped that instant. I never went back to it. It freightend me so much.
When 8th grade came to an end, that girl and I cut it clean. But, as of today we are enemies. She is envious of me, and I just simply don't like her because she turned my life upside down.
When I entered 9th grade... I saw her around she tried getting back with me again as friends. I didn't allow it.
In January of 9th grade, I told a close friend of mine that I had finally figured out what I was. I was a pansexual.
She immediately asked me what that was, and so I explained to her that pans were different from bi's and gays.
I told her, I was attracted to transgender men and women, femme men, gender queers, crossdressers, and tomboys/butchy girls.
She kind of just looked at me like I was crazy and said "So you're bi?"
It was a palm-to-forhead-moment because I though she'd understand! Afterall, she was the one who said back in 8th grade "Once you've felt that way, it'll never change if it is a true feeling."
So, my fustration continued until March 2010 That was the month I blew up, but thanks to a good guy friend of mine... who is currently my boyfriend, really got it out of me. It was like; every single feeling I've ever kept bottled up came out. Everything. Absolutely everything that was within' me. I had a full box of tissues when we were on the phone, and by the end of our conversation the whole box of tissues of empty. Thats how much I cried... I used up all of the tissues for snot and tears.
That month, I finally learned to accept the fact that I was in fact a pansexual girl! A woman! And I'm not going to be afraid, I'm ready... to bloom into the person I want to be for the upcoming future! I disscussed it with my two closest friends and they now understand, and respect me for my decition! The happiness that came over me... It was better than anything I'd ever seen by those actors on TV or those transgenger bloggers off youtube. I feel more complete than ever... and I'm not longer in sexual confustion. Now, all thats left is coming out to my parents... i don't know how.... I don't want them to think that I'm all for girls... besides I feel they won't understand... Please can somebody help? Any suggestions?
