Identity Crisis....

Growing up, I had the perfect life. My family even had our own motto: God first. Family second. Friends third. My parents strongly enforced this rule in our household. However, because of it, our family was united by this strong faith in Jesus Christ. As a pastor’s daughter, I have always had expectations placed on me from those around me. There were many times when I disliked being a pastor’s daughter due to all the responsibilities that followed ( and many may relate). Still, I was glad to be given an opportunity to serve at church. My whole life, my parents encouraged my siblings and I to get involved in church and do things for Christ and help out my dad. Ultimately, this started to change when things got a little tangled.
During junior year of my high school, my parents introduced a different side of themselves to me, my dad in particular. My dad’s image had always been the “ideal man” that I, myself, hoped to meet in the future. All this time, he had been the perfect dad, but now he began to spend less time with us and the strain on my parents’ relationship became all too obvious. Phases of depression hit me as their relationship went from bad to worse. As weeks turned into months, I didn’t even want to talk to my dad anymore. Being around him was like being around a stranger, and my relationship with my father only worsened as time passed. Yet, I still wanted his love and security. To gain attention from him, I became more active in church and took on most of the responsibilities, hoping that serving in his church would make him happy. Although in the beginning, my intentions were set for Jesus, things started to change within when I started to compete for my dad’s attention. During praise and worship, I would constantly check if my dad even noticed me. Although I started off with the right intentions, things started to change because I was serving for someone not Christ. Unintentionally, I was serving God for the wrong reasons. This continued for about 2-3 years until I went to college. In my freshman year of college, I went to a Christian University and I hoped to truly meet God there and become a "woman of God". A lot of my friends from college went to a nearby church near my school campus. My house was not that far from my school therefore i had to come up every Friday nights to serve at church on Saturday and Sundays. As i drifted away from my dad, i also drifted away from God. i started to neglect God. and my parent's teaching. I'm dealing with identity crisis because for the past year? i have been very distant from God. I rejected him and all of my parent's teaching. My faith was shaking and I was in a mess. I dont know who I am. I just wish God can answer questions in my life. So that I can renew my relationship with my parents,dad in particular. i love my dad so much. but i also want to be able to trust him again. AND as for my faith in God. I want to grow my faith in him. I WANT to believe him. I want to know HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME and why he created me for what kind of purpose. I know all the obvious answers but I want answers that I can make it into MINE. if that makes sense. ...Feel free to leave comments or questions....
ineedhelp22 ineedhelp22
18-21
5 Responses May 22, 2012

I think the concept of god first, family second, is wrong, the true meaning of that verse is seek the kingdom of god first, it just means that when we understand that god has saved us, forgiven us all, blessed us, justified us, and we live in that consciousness daily, all other things we need, is certainly added to us, because blessings from from being saved, and aware of if, and rejecting the old, but the old time way taught that. help your dad to understand that, because his family is gods gift, an in it is God present in every activity, he lives in us with us. knowledge needed.

hello, know that God is not at all like your earthly father, jesus say pray our father, i used to relate my earthly father in the same way, but now i found out that my heavenly father just want to break all the rules to make me happy, and he paid for all my mistakes, and he doesnt hold any sins against me, and i can be free in his love for me, for its unsearchable. find God's love, your dad is lost too, and you will come to him also.

your story is so similar to mine. All my life my Dad has been the reason why I do the things. "What will daddy say..." is the motto. My Dad's not Pastor but he acts like one - he does almost everything and I can go to any church in the area and say his name and everyone knows who's daughter I am. What is hard is trying to work out if I am doing something because I want to or because it will be something he wants.
I have also have my hand in many pies at the church, and recently been filled with such fatigue emotionally and physically. I work with youth ministry and there was a sermon I was giving to them about going to God about your problems, sharing your problems with others - i was being a hypocrite, I had this huge burden on my shoulders i wanted a break, I needed a break, I had lost my connection with God's Spirit and the reason i joined youth ministry in the first place.
Amanda your message below about stopping working in the Church and reconnect to God through my heart not by acts - it really stirred something in me. I so want to step back and breath and reflect but there is no one coming foward to help me or take the load, and if the ministry stops it will be hard to pick up again.

omg im crying now cuz this is what is happening to me right now:(

Hi there. Let me start of by the fact that "You are beautifully and wonderfully made." God loves you irrespective of how many things you do at Church or how religious you are. He does not care how many acts of service you do for Him, He just wants to hold you in His arms and tell you He loves you just the way you are. <br />
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It is known that many woman who had problems with their relationship with their fathers, develop anorexia and bulimia. I can see that you desperately want your father's attention and love, but that you feel neglected and unappreciated and that you are struggling with the question of who you are. (I can relate to all of that).<br />
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The important thing to remember, is that you are already loved, appreciated and God adores you! He is passionately in love with you and even though you feel far away from Him, his Word says that "He will never leave you nor forsake you" . In simple terms that means that no mater how far away you feel from Him and how ashamed you may feel, He never left you. The sin that we do (bulimia) makes us feel as if we are alone in this world and it makes us feel that we are far from God.<br />
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This is where you must know and speak truth and life over your life. Firstly, all you need to do is spend time alone with God. He does not want any special words or anything, just close your eyes and see yourself sitting on His lap, with His arms folding around you and whispering in your ears "I love you my daughter, I have wept so many tears about you, I just want you near me to experience My love for you. You are so special to me and I want you to know, that no matter what you have done, I still love you. I want you to experience the love and life that I have planned for you. I want you to live a life of abundance and reject the lies that the devil has spoken over your life. Receive my forgiveness, and blessings, for my blood has spread on the cross and covers all sins".<br />
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It is important to realize that you have a serious, life-threatening problem that is routed in many areas, but mostly because of your father and parental relationship.<br />
I know it is extremely difficult to tell your parents about your problem, but the 1st steps that you need to take to overcome this is to realize that you are not in control over the disease and that you are going to need the help and support from your family and from professional people like psychiatrists. Maybe you should see this crisis as a way to reconnect with the parents, especially your father.<br />
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I would also recommend that for now, you not continue with religious acts like working and helping in the church, as one should do this not to impress God or anybody else. God does not like "religious acts", he cares about your hart and from that the need to Worship him comes the help in the Church. <br />
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Good luck and I pray and trust that you will realize how wonderful and beautiful you are and you are unique!<br />
Please feel free to contact me again.<br />
Regards<br />
Amanda