Bottom of the List

I was talking to a friend recently, and I had realized at that point where I rank on my list of "priorities." I'm actually at the bottom of it. Everybody I know or talk to, I put them ahead of myself. I even find myself thinking "What do they really think about me?" and then push even more, trying to make them happy, often hurting myself in the process.

The lead example of this actually happened recently. When I was with my ex-girlfriend, we were together for, at least in relative high school relationships, a long time. Nearing eight months. Anyway, towards the end of the relationship, senior prom came up. Me, a Sophomore at the time, had only gone to her Junior prom. However, all of her friends at the time were part of the graduating class, so she wanted to go.. A lot. And I saw how happy it really made her, and I let her go, knowing full well that I'd be jealous of the guy she was going with, worrying, and depressed for the weekend she was out (she was also going to the shore with said guy). And, in the end, it killed me. I wanted her to be happy, but it destroyed what little happiness I had left at the time.

Now, after learning from previous mistakes, I'm trying to be a tad more... Selfish, as connotatively bad as that sounds. But every time I see people getting put behind me, I try to fix that, and in the end, I'm back down at the bottom of the list. With people I care about most at the top, and me at the bottom.
FengShui FengShui
18-21, M
Aug 1, 2007