How I Poisoned My Brain

I believe it started when I was a kid. As long as I've remembered I've grown up going to church, learning about God, and to be honest, I do love God, as much as I may curse him for giving me possibly the most uncomfortable habit to talk about.

I know I'll have to confess one day, but I didn't feel comfortable with people in my church, and I can't tell my parents, I know they wouldn't take it very well.

So, when I was a kid, my brother bought one of these soccer magazines, and with it came some wallpapers of women in bikinis on a beach, posing with football stars. I soon grew addicted to looking at those images, and when I grew tired of the magazine, I started to look for such things on TV. Somewhere around that time I began ************.

As I got older it grew worse. Soon I started looking at nude stuff. Then, when my dad got internet, it went even further. I started looking at yet more pics, and then it went onto hardcore videos. Even when my family moved in '09 to Germany for six months, I'd somehow find myself looking at those horrible images, despite having very limited access to the web.

Slowly it began to impair me more and more; I would find myself in front of the computer viewing **** when I was upset, or bored, or just didn't give a ****. Then immidiately afterwards I would feel regret. I thought it may have been genuine, but then I discovered it was a natural human reflex. That might have been the height of my self-hatred.

Now, come today, I have more willpower, but when I find myself there, it just enraptures me - my mind doesn't like what it's seeing, but my body can't get enough of it. I'm still at a loss as to what to do, and I'm due to write my final examinations for high school, and I don't want this habit distracting me. But more than that, I want a clear conscience, and to be able to, at least, attempt to be righteous. Just talking about it seems to have done me some good, but if anyone here has some advice or a similar story to tell, I'd like to see it.

leoso1 leoso1
18-21
1 Response Sep 16, 2012

Dear Leo,

My only advice is stop the physical activity - I'm no expert - But it seems to lessen the desire - though i have also not overcome it completely - read my post - hope we can help each other