Overall Dysfunction

It was amazing to mereading your story. I am a 40 year old woman that was told starting in my teens during every arguement between my Mother and I that I was lucky she had me. I should have been aborted. She says she was at a party and raped by several men and didn't know if I woud be black or white........other family members have told be different stories. All I want is the truth and I am finally coming to the conclusion I will never have it as my Mother is on her death bed, I will never know.

Your mother may not remember. If she was rpaed it may be that she has repressed memories and cannot recall. That would explain the agitation when the issue comes up. I was raped adn concieved a child. I ahd no memory. I thought my daughter belonged to the guy I was dating at the time of the rape. When she was 11 we had a DNA test done and it came back that he was not the father.

I was completely baffled. How does a woman lay down with a man and concieve a child and have no memory? I was tormented by this. I prayed and cried and wondered. For two weeks I prayed, I even fasted over it. I was that bewildered. My mother always told me to be careful what I pray for, I just might get it.

I was driving home from school one day, doing 70 mph down the interestate when I had my first flashback. I completely relived the rape. When I came back to the present, I had crossed two lanes of the highway and was sitting on the shoulder of the interstate. I was white-knuckled on the sterring wheel, short of breath, crying and in a panic. I could have been killed. I still do not recall pulling the car over. I had both feet on the brake petal, the car was still running and in gear.

My rapest was a guy that I went to highschool with. He was the "star athlete" and I was working that summer, for his father. I was taking care of his dieing mother while everyone was at work. I know now why I had no memory of his face. I cannot recall his face to this day. I went to the Library in the small town where i had gone to highschoool. My daughter wanted to see what her father looked like. I found some old yearbooks and when I saw his face I almost went into a panic, she looks just like he did.

Maybe your mother is not the bad guy. Maybe she is still traumatized. I do not know for sure, of course, but it would explain inconsistant stories and bizzar behaviour.

Good luck and I hope you find the answers you seek, or learn to live without them.

We don't choose our parents in both ways but we can choose the path of our life so move on screw family thingy enjoy your life !

Once, in a drunken rant, my mother told me that my "father" wasn't really my father. My mother is a manipulating, evil creature....and I am now 43 years old. These days, unless I am in a feel-sorry-for-myself mood...I could really care less who the "***** donor" was in my conception. I am alive and am me...that's all that matters in the end.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I can relate a little. I knew my father unlike yourself. But I still feel just like you, I have no desire to find him. Except for the fact that I have this annoying voice in my head that is warning me. Maybe I might possibly regret not finding him some day when he's gone.



I can't explain it either. But I must agree with you on distancing yourself from your mother. I'm not one to judge your situation, but it sounds like she has her own issues to deal with. Issues that might have something to do with the incosistency in her stories.



For your sake, I hope whatever you decide goes well for you. And please feel free to talk to me anytime.