This Is Different Than Most

Until age 8 I was an only child of a single mother. I do not recall any stories my mom might have told me about my father although I believe it all started when she sought out child support from my father. Low and behold the truth came out.

Even now, at 26, I don't think my mother has ever said to my face that I am a product of rape but I know. Around this time in my life (8 years old) skeleton's starting flying out of the closet. I had to take a paternity test.....I am likely to never forget that. Saw the first picture of my father ever! My mother and I began counseling. When it was time to talk about this subject I was asked to leave the room although I would stand at the door and listen to the conversation. It was there I heard the story about my mother and bio-father's relationship.

She was 17 at the time, he is/was about 10 years older than her. She was visiting her mother in MA for the summer and working. On her way to work she would run into him. He asked her for a date. The date turned out to be hitting the liquor store then his bedroom where he raped her. A couple weeks later she discovered she was pregnant and left MA for her home in CO without telling him. They did pick up communication again he actually proposed to her (as a good Catholic). She did not marry him. She kept me.... :-/ She gave birth to me 6 weeks early. No one in my family knew she was pregnant until she was giving birth to me. I have discovered that still no one in my family actually knows how my conception happened.....

Jump back ahead to my age of 8. My father suddenly wanted visitation rights. He was around for a while although eventually he moved back to his home in VT. We had phone calls for a while but his alcohol abuse ended that. We then wrote letters to each other. I have discovered as an adult that about every 2 years I try to re-engage a relationship with my father, I mean after all he is my "blood" everytime it blows up. When I was a Junior in HS I actually flew out to VT during spring break to try yet again to form some kind of relationship. I was supposed to be with him for a week it ended up being two days. My anger was too much and I frantically called relatives in the area to get me back home in CO. My anger towards him is intense. How could someone do that!? Where was he during the begining parts of my life? Since age 8 he has showered me with gifts and vows of love for me.....

I have also discovered I have never actually been up front with him about the rape. Its like a subject I skirt around. I have never tried to get him to admit it.

I am not sure if anyone out there can relation to this. I hope so as I badly need some support. I am ready to get pass this hurtle and I am not sure where to start. All I know is that the negative emotions and actions I have seem to match the positive aspects as a result of this but it's time to rid myself of the negative and move on.
docpeppa2002 docpeppa2002
5 Responses Jul 10, 2010

Docpeppa2002, I know exactly where you come from I too am a product of rape! It's easy for others who do not know what it feels like to be a little girl who wants their father but also have to live the fact that he hurt your mother also. It's easy for some one to say that the person who committed the act is not OUR" father's. But regardless of the situation they are. It's hard, it hurts because all little girls want a relationship with their father. Mom tries to protect you but coming up when daddy wasn't around mommy looks like she is to blame. I am 29 yrs. old and I feel your pain. My dad came into my life just before my teenage years and has been in and out since. I have never let him know why I push him away but I can tell at times his guilt because of his constantly asking me when I am around his asking me over and over if I love him and always makes it his business to tell me he loves me. But I don't ever see me getting over this I just hope that one day I will be able to comfort others through my story the more I speak about it the better I feel

I found out when I was 21that my mother was raped by her boyfriend's brother. When my mom was younger there was a guy that was madly in love with her so when she found out she was pregnant with me he told her he would claim me as his own child. Growing up I always knew something wasn't right. The man I grew up knowing as my dad would abuse my mother in every way possible. We I was 19 I started dated my now husband. The first time he meet my father he said to me that's your step father right not your real dad. I told him he was crazy even know in the back of my head I felt the same thing. Well let me give you some more back round on the person I knew as my dad. He drank all day even at work hello smoked pot and did coke sometimes. He had a bookie and cheated on my mom all the time. When I was 21 I went on my last family vacation. My dad never went with us. It was alway my mom, brother , sister and me. Well one night when we on vacation my dad went to a bar when leaving hit another car and left without tell anyone. He also brought back 2 men and 2 women back to our family home. The next day he was arrested for hit and run and sexual assault. Well it made it onto the front page of our local paper. My boyfriend at the time now husband call and read the article to my mom and me. That night I had a long talk with my mom and told her she had to leave him. She told me she knew she needed to leave him but she couldn't and she could not tell me why. After having a few drink with my mom trying be funny I told her that Mark my boyfriend didn't think Ron aka dad was not my father. I also told her I alway kind of felt the same was. Still she did not tell me the truth. It wasn't until a few weeks later my mom asked if I could meet her in a parking lot a few mile for our home. That is when she told me how when she was 15 and at her boyfriends home waiting for him to get home, when out of nowhere his older brother raped her. The only people that knew about it was the boy that raped her, her, Ron aka dad and now me. She never told anyone in her own family. This is why she could not leave Ron he held it over her head for 21 years. The very next day she kick his *** out of the house. To this day the only things I know about the man that raped my mom is when she was 6 month pregnant with me he had 4 girls beat the crap out of her. I don't know his name or anything about him other then a few years back my mom found out her was in prison for murder. I'm 38 now married to the best man ever and have 2 great daughters. I only wish my mom would of told me this when I was a lot younger because when I was 10 I went down the street to a friends house and she wasn't home but her old brother was who was like 15-16 . He was alway very nice to me he had girlfriend. He asked my to go up to his room so he could show me a necklace he had gotten his girlfriend for V-Day. Being 10 and not thinking any was wrong with this I went up to his room and next thing I knew he had me pinned to the bed and he was trying to put his hand down my pants and up my shirt. He was also kissing me everywhere. I was able to fight him off and get away but never told any one not even my mother. Thank god we moved a few month later. I'm thinking about telling my mom but I'm afraid she may feel in away that it is her fault.

Dear docpeppa2002,<br />
Your father is not your father. Not in the real sense of the word. He is no more your father than a ***** donor would be. You yourself stated he is an alcoholic. Have you studied what this means as far as the ability to grow, care about others, build relationships? He raped your mother. This indicates anti-social behavior, criminality and the usual alcoholic's answer to everything, "It's everyone else's fault but mine." So, his physical ***** helped concieve you, but that's where it ends. He has no clue what being a father means. He didn't WANT to be a father, it just happened as a by product of his criminal behavior. You can't change who and what HE is, but you can change yourself.<br />
<br />
You need to find the reasons for YOUR need to have a father in your life, still. I can understand your need for one as a child, but to continue to cling to the fantasy that this person will somehow magically be transformed into a loving, caring parent is something that you should address with a therapist. Your anger stems from this unrealistic expectation of a relative stranger. "You ARE my biological father, therefore you must act like one." What adds fuel to that flame is his on-again off-again half assed attempts to BE a father. Really mixed messages but think about this; If he were incapable of walking a tightrope would you hold it against him? What if he could not play piano or do math? In that context, you must accept that he is INCAPABLE of being a good or even half-way acceptable father. It just isn't in him.<br />
<br />
My own children struggled with this until they came to understand the man's limitations and accepted him as a peripheral acquaintance. They did not seek his company, and when he sought theirs, they kept it at arms length and very superficial, because they knew that his inability to feel their need or pain, would ultimately hurt them again and again. This has always been a sad and incomplete part of their lives, but they used the experience as a good-bad example, and become responsive, loving and very present parents to their own children, and in giving their children a happy childhood, vicariously created one for themselves.<br />
<br />
There is an old saying, "It is never too late to have a happy childhood." If you have no children of your own, become a Big Brother or Sister to some child who, like you, longs for a father figure in his life. Perhaps by becoming that person yourself, you will find peace with your inner conflicts. You can enjoy playing ball, going to movies, building things, with a child, as much as you would have with a parent, and perhaps more so because you control the event. And in healing them, you will heal yourself. Good luck.

... My best friend thinks her littlest sister is "product of a rape" however, she thinks her father was the one who did it, but she never actually has said much about it. I dont know what it feels like to have that hanging over my head, but honestly, it was not ur fault or your moms, an you cannot change how you came to exist, but be blessed your mother was strong enough to keep you. I hope you find the peace you are looking for, but you wont find it if you jump around the subject. One day you will realize that it does matter to you if your mother was hurt by your father, and maybe thats why you hate him so much, because you know he hurt your mother, you know he forced her to have sex with him, and you know that it wasnt right. im sure you feel just as violated as she does, and the worst that you could do is confront him. Good Luck sweety, hang in there and i too am here if you need someone to talk to.

What I can tell you is to stop curving around things and come out and say it. Yes he may get bothered by the question and comment but you can't sit here and not ask. Whatever happened happened. Just try to get the truth out of him. Good things come out of bad people and vice versa. I just think you should sit down and talk with him and try to make that coversation happen. He will not come out to you and admit such a thing but in time he will come with results close to it. If he doesn't admit to it at least you got up and asked even though you know the truth. Someone commiting the crime of rape would never want to admit.

So sorry to hear about it..... The only help I can give is listen you out.....