A Life Of Confusion

My parents always had quite a volatile relationship. My father was physically and mentally abusive toward my Mum and myself and my two younger brothers. We lived in constant fear of my Dad. He was a compulsive gambler, my Mum had abused drugs since she was about 13 years old and around the time I was 3 she had a nervous breakdown after which she became hooked on prescription medication. As I started to grow up and enter my teens, my Dad and I forged quite a close bond due to my Mum being ill or zonked out on prescription medication all the time. When he wasn't being abusive, I embraced these times and soaked up as much love as I could as I knew it would not last for long.

Unfortunately, when I was 14 I started to have problems with my Mum as well. She became very resentful toward me (I guess because of the relationship I had with my Father), and we started to argue a lot. Sometimes she would say things to me like 'You are made from bad blood - you have bad blood running through you'. I never understood what she meant by things like that. But I soon found out. I had a terrible habit as a nosy teenager of eavesdropping on conversations, on one such occasion my Mum was talking to one of my cousins on the phone and said to her 'You know about Betty's real Dad don't you'. Being the clued up kid that I was I immediately assumed that she meant that Dad...was not my biological Father. I asked her about it (after a few days of sulking about and crying). She told me that when she was 17, she had been walking home from a party and a long time family friend whom she had a little crush on had followed her down the road. They stopped to talk, he kissed her, then pushed her into an old abandoned housing site where he beat her up and raped her. That is how she got pregnant with me. She met my 'step' Dad a few months later. He knew she was pregnant but still wanted to date. They got together and are still together to this day. He made the commitment to raise me as his own. He wasn't't a great Father but I guess my Mum wasn't't to have known that things would work out that way.

After I found out, it left a legacy of confusion, depression and alcohol abuse in my own life. I am still recovering from the problems that this secret has left me. But not just that, the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my Dad only served to confuse me even more. My Mum always said that she was not ashamed of me and she loved me no matter where I came from, but her actions told a different story. I was confided in a friend about what had happened and when my Mum found out she went ballistic and said that it was her story to share not mine. And she did not want anyone to know. I felt resentful about that because as far as am concerned it was MY story to and I should have the right to talk to at least one person about the pain and confusion I felt. I believe that I was the victim of covert sexual abuse from my Dad (also known as emotional ******). I felt that the fact that I was not his biological daughter ( and the fact that I knew I wasn't) somehow allowed in his mind that it was okay to touch me inappropriately and make suggestive comments etc.

I remember a storyline on a TV programme in which a woman is raped and becomes pregnant. Everyone at work discussed it and said how disgusting it was to even think about having a rapists child. That the child would be a monster. These comments hurt. I could not at that time tell anyone about my own history and felt angry and hurt that I had been lied to, and then that the truth of it all was so terrible.

I am now 35, and still confused as hell!  Not sure I'll ever not be to be honest.....but I'm working through it slowly.

BettyBanner BettyBanner
31-35, F
3 Responses Apr 10, 2011

I can relate because my dad was/is a compulsive gambler. Both my mom & dad smoke marijuana. My dad was physically and mentally abusive toward the family until the divorce....

your biological father may give you a funny nose or a certain colour of hair or whatever but you cannot biologically inhertit a behavior or personality<br />
the concept alone that a child born from rape is a monster is stupid and moronic<br />
truth is you can't be told how to feel about this and no one will ever fully understand your pain<br />
but you get one life and if you need to talk about it to come to terms with your inner conflict, go for it... just keep the release constructive. best of luck to you

You haven't done anything wrong, and being conceived from a violent, unwanted act doesn't make you any less of a person, evil or a monster in any way. What happened is NOT your fault...with your dad, or your birth. You should really go to counseling if you aren't already so you can work through this with someone who is impartial and there for you. Good luck, and don't give up. God put us all here for a reason. Go find yours!

Well said!!! God bless you! We need more encouraging ppl like you in the world (: