Finding Out On Your Own

     I was adopted at birth and my parents never kept this fact from me. I knew my birth mother my whole life, although I was not told who she was until I was ten. It didn't bother me to realize that she was my biological mother. I just wasn't an easily shaken kid. A few years ago, I asked my adopted mother who my biological father was. She said that was just something I might have to ask my birth mother later on. I never asked because I was too embarrassed. Instead when I was home alone one day, I went searching for my adoption records. I thought maybe there would be some information on who my biological father was.
     I found a pink page written up about my mother and all I can remember after that is seeing the words "fraternity party" and "rape." I think the tears came instantly and I might have screamed. I don't really remember. I just know that the next moment I was upstairs in my bed rolling around  and slapping myself. Every time I thought about it I would convulse in a way as if doing so could get that horrible part of me out. I just wanted to slap it all out of me, or throw it out or something. I couldn't stand to feel myself. I wanted to curl up and hug myself, but each time I felt my own arms I was disgusted and threw them back again. I thought of my adopted parents and wondered how on earth they could love me. And I thought of all of my extended family and how much they must have hated me.
     I don't know how long I laid there crying until I got the nerve to go back to that pink slip of paper. But I read the whole thing this time. My mother went to a Fraternity party in college and was raped. She told no one she was pregnant until the day that she had me. The last sentence on the paper was about how the whole family was getting counseling to deal with the fact that I was born.
     For weeks after that I never smiled. I hardly talked and was constantly depressed. I think that every moment I had alone I was crying, and I cried myself to sleep each night for who knows how long. My parents thought it might have been because I didn't get a role in the school play. I let them go on thinking this because I am never going to tell them that I know. One of the hardest things to get used to was looking in a mirror again after seeing myself as a monster.
      I got over this depression after a while. When my friends started getting really worried, Ii faked a smile and a laugh, and after a while it all just came naturally. I'm mostly over it now after I kept telling myself it wasn't my fault. Obviously it still bothers me enough to seek the help of the internet. If anyone can say anything to me, that they have heard my story, that would be appreciated so much! I still haven't told anyone. I'd just like to know that someone knows my story.
charlieissocoollike charlieissocoollike
6 Responses Jul 29, 2011

Yes I under stand I was not adopted but I am the product of a rape I had my uncle tell me when I was 8 or ten bc he has always hated my father and I asked why. I meet my dad 1 or 2 but back when I did meet him I did not know what he did bc if I did I think I just might have done something I would regret i now realize that when me and my mum was there he raped her again how she could face him again I don't know but I really wanted to know my farther so I guess she loved me so much she didn't mind but I have 2 sisters and 1 brother and I can't see my sisters bc they r two close to my dad and u can't meet my brother bc well my dad is the only one who knows where he is and my brother dose not know I egsist

This is my story too. I was adopted, I know my birth mom and I was just told that my birth father declined to sign the papers and forfeited his rights. I found out at 15 that he barely knew my mom and that it was a one night stand. And now at 20 years old, I found out that it wasn't a one night stand, it was rape. I hate myself for having his blood, and I think you described perfectly how I am feeling inside right now. I feel so disappointed, and angry, and sad, all at the same time. Thank you so much for sharing, it helps to know I am not alone in this crazy bullshit that is my life right now.

I just want to start off by thanking you for sharing your story! I know that wasn't easy, as I have a very similar story. I am also a product of rape and thankfully my mother carried me and gave me to the most amazing family I could have ever asked for. Just got in touch with my biological mom a littl over a year ago and the day after my daughters second birthday, my biological mom decided to tell my husband how I was conceived. I was absolutely floored. It must have taken a week to sink in. It has now been almost 2 months and I am still coming to terms with it and always will be. It is not something I can run away from, but rather face head on and hopefully meet other people like us and help! Keep your head up, you are LOVED and WANTED and there is a reason you are here!

My baby was made that way and I kept her. She is the greatest gift of my life. You are no monster, sweetheart. Yes, we are partly a product of our genetics, but also of our environment. I have to remind myself sometimes that while she is clearly part him genetically, her environment is all me. She's my baby, not his. You are no monster. There is no rapist gene. You seem like a sweet guy. Keep being a sweet guy and know that you'll never be what he was that night; and you won't. If you want to talk, feel free.

Your birth mother did some extremely difficult things serving a rape carrying you inside her and giving you the best life she could think of. Your parents don't define who you are or what you become, that is your God Given Free Will so choose wisely your birth mother did

I kind of don't understand your reaction. You didn't do anything wrong, and the wrong that was doe to your mother has no impact on who or what you are. Seriously, given the violence of human history over thousands of year, most people prob. have rape in their lineage. Think of all the wars and plunders and conquests and slavery. It's nothing new or shocking and does not reflect on us. If anything, you should be glad your Mother didn't do an even more monstrous thing and got you murdered in utero. She's a brave, strong, and admirable lady. This kind of fortitude and strength is awesome, and you should be pleased that no matter the terrible evil of the father, your Mom was good enough and loved you enough to help you grow up to be such a decent hearted individual! And she's still in your life. I bet she's proud of you; I would be. You take after your Mother in all the ways that are important. Take comfort in that, my dear.