Finding Out On Your OwnI was adopted at birth and my parents never kept this fact from me. I knew my birth mother my whole life, although I was not told who she was until I was ten. It didn't bother me to realize that she was my biological mother. I just wasn't an easily shaken kid. A few years ago, I asked my adopted mother who my biological father was. She said that was just something I might have to ask my birth mother later on. I never asked because I was too embarrassed. Instead when I was home alone one day, I went searching for my adoption records. I thought maybe there would be some information on who my biological father was.
I found a pink page written up about my mother and all I can remember after that is seeing the words "fraternity party" and "rape." I think the tears came instantly and I might have screamed. I don't really remember. I just know that the next moment I was upstairs in my bed rolling around and slapping myself. Every time I thought about it I would convulse in a way as if doing so could get that horrible part of me out. I just wanted to slap it all out of me, or throw it out or something. I couldn't stand to feel myself. I wanted to curl up and hug myself, but each time I felt my own arms I was disgusted and threw them back again. I thought of my adopted parents and wondered how on earth they could love me. And I thought of all of my extended family and how much they must have hated me.
I don't know how long I laid there crying until I got the nerve to go back to that pink slip of paper. But I read the whole thing this time. My mother went to a Fraternity party in college and was raped. She told no one she was pregnant until the day that she had me. The last sentence on the paper was about how the whole family was getting counseling to deal with the fact that I was born.
For weeks after that I never smiled. I hardly talked and was constantly depressed. I think that every moment I had alone I was crying, and I cried myself to sleep each night for who knows how long. My parents thought it might have been because I didn't get a role in the school play. I let them go on thinking this because I am never going to tell them that I know. One of the hardest things to get used to was looking in a mirror again after seeing myself as a monster.
I got over this depression after a while. When my friends started getting really worried, Ii faked a smile and a laugh, and after a while it all just came naturally. I'm mostly over it now after I kept telling myself it wasn't my fault. Obviously it still bothers me enough to seek the help of the internet. If anyone can say anything to me, that they have heard my story, that would be appreciated so much! I still haven't told anyone. I'd just like to know that someone knows my story.