Oy Vey

I've had too many issues like like. I never had bfs, but there were guys I liked..I wasn't poplular I wasn't even noticed but I always had that one guy that I had an eye on and he always say me to. I'm very cold and I'm very distant I hadn't had my first kill till I was 16. I felt awkward and unwanted by most am barely now 22 in my longest relationship...a yr and some..wow. long time rite. But...I used to whem I was younger drink to get liquid courage in me. It worked for the time. I managed to throw myself on guys after of course they threw themselves on me. I got my first time taken from a bottle of jack and what I thought was a friend. I used to blame my pudness on my strict father...now I know why he was looking out for me...only problem is I booze as a crutch. I still can't make a move. I can't even tell my bf I love him with all my heart like he does to me everyday...I can't even say I'm beautiful and mean it..I have sex with my bf without wanting to hide my face. I'm not sure wtf is wrong with me. I can't tell whether I'm physiologically ****** up from my dad, my first time, booze or just straight up me... I know my sex life has gotten better I enjoy it in slilence because it doesn't feel good. But yet the idea and act is so repulsive to me..and now because that's how I feel about it my bf senses it and hates me fore it. He feels I am not attracted to him. He's very handsome just I'm very pro modesty is key. But basically before I started to rant...don't get hooked taking the easy way out with booze or substances to help ur drive sometime u just gotta wait for that rite guy to come along that knows all the moves to put u in the mood take it slow. Just snuggle in bed once u got that the guy does most the work all the time..just be accepting and willing to his advances. It could suprise u how good it feels and maybe it u do it sober u can actually verbalize it to ur partner unlike me still trapped in a bottle to verballly and physically go where my bf wants me to go.