I'm Not Sure If I'm A Psychopath Or Just Have Psychopathic TendenciesI believe that psychopaths can feel emotions. I mostly feel anger (more like rage), depression and disgust. I rarely ever feel positive emotions... most of the time I'm just numb, indifferent to everything. I feel like people deserve to be used and manipulated because they are so naive and ignorant, which ****** me off.
There is another side of me though. A very empathetic, nurturing and lovable side. Sometimes I have to fake it but other times it's how I really feel. It's like I'm two different people living in one body. I've cheated multiple times on every boyfriend I have ever had, and I would lie so convincingly about it that they only found out a few times. I've had sex with a married man multiple times while his wife and child were in the house sleeping, he was 27 and I was 16 or 17. I never really felt bad about it, sometimes I wish it never happened but he was a complete **** to his wife anyways. She was better off without him. They got a divorce a year or two after that. Looking back, I've always been somewhat promiscuous I guess.
I lost my virginity a month after I turned 14, the guy I lost it to was 24. I just stopped talking to him after that, I never really had any feelings for him. In fact he annoyed me. Recently though I'm calmed down with the promiscuity. I need someone to love me. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and now I realized that I want someone to love me. I don't just want sex anymore.
As for violence, I have episodes of rage. The smallest things set me off too. I guess I'm one of those people who get angry and "see red". I get so enraged I can't even think straight. all I think is how much I want to hurt someone and/or destroy stuff. I used to cut myself, I used to want to die, then I realized I'd rather live and make people miserable. The people I want to hurt more than anybody are christians, words can't express how much I hate them. I'd love to just burn down a church full of them. They are so pathetic and weak, it really disgusts me.
I grew up my entire life watching my dad beat the **** out of my mother. I remember when I was about 5 or 6 he was choking her on the floor and I thought he was going to kill her. I just stood there screaming and then I looked at the knife set we had in the kitchen. I was about 5 seconds away from grabbing a knife and stabbing him to death. I didn't have time though, he stopped choking her. I was also molested for years by an uncle, whom I fantasize about torturing to death to this day. Do I blame all this for the way I am? Not really, I think it's just the fact that humanity is so repulsive and useless.
I just find it entirely too easy to manipulate people, I know what they want to hear and how they want to feel and I have no problem lying to them and faking emotions. Sometimes I do it for emotional gain, other times I just do it for fun. It's hard to put in words, but within the first 15 minutes of meeting somebody I know all I need to know. Of course some people are harder to read which results in a challenge but I like challenges.