I'm Not Sure If I'm A Psychopath Or Just Have Psychopathic Tendencies

I believe that psychopaths can feel emotions. I mostly feel anger (more like rage), depression and disgust. I rarely ever feel positive emotions... most of the time I'm just numb, indifferent to everything. I feel like people deserve to be used and manipulated because they are so naive and ignorant, which ****** me off.

There is another side of me though. A very empathetic, nurturing and lovable side. Sometimes I have to fake it but other times it's how I really feel. It's like I'm two different people living in one body. I've cheated multiple times on every boyfriend I have ever had, and I would lie so convincingly about it that they only found out a few times. I've had sex with a married man multiple times while his wife and child were in the house sleeping, he was 27 and I was 16 or 17. I never really felt bad about it, sometimes I wish it never happened but he was a complete **** to his wife anyways. She was better off without him. They got a divorce a year or two after that. Looking back, I've always been somewhat promiscuous I guess.

I lost my virginity a month after I turned 14, the guy I lost it to was 24. I just stopped talking to him after that, I never really had any feelings for him. In fact he annoyed me. Recently though I'm calmed down with the promiscuity. I need someone to love me. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and now I realized that I want someone to love me. I don't just want sex anymore.

As for violence, I have episodes of rage. The smallest things set me off too. I guess I'm one of those people who get angry and "see red". I get so enraged I can't even think straight. all I think is how much I want to hurt someone and/or destroy stuff. I used to cut myself, I used to want to die, then I realized I'd rather live and make people miserable. The people I want to hurt more than anybody are christians, words can't express how much I hate them. I'd love to just burn down a church full of them. They are so pathetic and weak, it really disgusts me.

I grew up my entire life watching my dad beat the **** out of my mother. I remember when I was about 5 or 6 he was choking her on the floor and I thought he was going to kill her. I just stood there screaming and then I looked at the knife set we had in the kitchen. I was about 5 seconds away from grabbing a knife and stabbing him to death. I didn't have time though, he stopped choking her. I was also molested for years by an uncle, whom I fantasize about torturing to death to this day. Do I blame all this for the way I am? Not really, I think it's just the fact that humanity is so repulsive and useless.

I just find it entirely too easy to manipulate people, I know what they want to hear and how they want to feel and I have no problem lying to them and faking emotions. Sometimes I do it for emotional gain, other times I just do it for fun. It's hard to put in words, but within the first 15 minutes of meeting somebody I know all I need to know. Of course some people are harder to read which results in a challenge but I like challenges.
sillyginger sillyginger
22-25, F
8 Responses Jun 11, 2011

Anyone that can handle the truth can see and manipulate it. Love is seeing intolerance, greed, rape, ignorance, etc and choosing to forgive and help anyway. In doing so you may be persecuted by the very people you try to help but by committing evil acts you will in time become no better than those who have wronged you. Having said all of this I to struggle with explosive rage at times but it usually lasts only about 5 seconds before I calm myself. Looking around sometimes I wonder if I could fix things by becoming as evil as possible in order to bring people together so that they can see again. Basically be evil to set evil up for annihilation, at least for a while anyway because evil will always find a way. .

geeze, the more stories I read on this site, the more grateful I am to have my own ****** life, heh heh.<br />
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That sounds like a pretty heavy past to have to deal with. I hope you can manage it the right way. I've been having a hard time not letting my past not haunt me too. <br />
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And yeah, there are a good number of humans who are respectable forms of life, where as a lot of other humans should, out of respect for everyone else, kill themselves.

Lol! Yea I thought I had a rough life but I have seen some pretty shocking and terrible **** on here.

Thanks though. Yeah it is definitely hard to not let your past haunt you. One of my favorite quotes is "turn your wounds into wisdom" ... I try to apply that in life but it's a lot easier said than done, lol

yeah, it's good people can heal from their haunting times they had in the past. It's definately not easy and often takes a long time, but you can often repair your life if you try.

I believe a psychopath, a true psychopath, is someone who naturally without thinking creates false persona's and relationships in order to defend one self. this can be overly aggressive or overly defensive, explaining how some psychopaths control others to do what they want, where as others have society almost working for them, placing ideas into people minds and letting them act on them instead of you directly intervening with them. But above all i think what really makes one a psychopath, is if you look at your childhood and you know you told yourself that who you really are has no place in our world, but because its who you are, everything you are and can possibly be, you hide it to defend yourself, you create a false humanity, always changing and growing, to cover the fact the way you think is seen as cold and wrong. But, if ones intelligent enough, one will know the world is run by people like us, and that society has been set up from a early age to assimilate us into society so free thinking people, unreliant on society, conform, and don't try to tell the others what is real to them. In there little ignorant bubble, how we think is seen as lunacy.

I agree with Athena. Get some help with your issues. Sounds like dissociation and PTSD. A psychopath isn't necessarily spawned from traumatic life events. Usually their core was off to begin with.

Go see a counselor. You have a lot of unresolved issues which is completely unsurprising given your history. Sexual abuse in childhood encourages the child to disassociate from their emotions and what is happening to them. Especially if the abuser is a family member. Your lack of emotions could just be this disassociation from them. Also many people who have experienced sexual abuse as a child are promiscuous as adults and find it easy to manipulate people (especially men). You probably have a very low opinion of both men and yourself which needs to be addressed if you want to have a loving and stable relationship with another person. Try one to one counselling. Their are support groups for people who were sexually abused and also for people who have been effected by domestic violence. Depression also gives you the feeling of being detached from your emotions and being unable to connect with other people so it may be you are clinically depressed. You may have been depressed for a long time. I hope this helps a little. Don't sell yourself short.

I don't think you are a psychopath. You might have certain psychopathic tendencies, (like wanting to hurt people) But it seems that largely comes from your experiences and how others have hurt you. It seems that you have had a hard life and this translates into how you perceive the world. <br />
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I would recommend joining a real life support group. Once you see other people who have had similar upbringings, it will be much easier for you. You will realize that there are people in this world that you connect to and it will make life easier.

Thank you for the response. I would love to find a real life support group with people who have dealt with similar things. I have no idea where to look though.

"Be Daddys good girl, don't tell mommy a thing"; "Be a good little boy and you'll get a new toy" TELL GRANDMA YOU FELL OFF THE SWING!<br />
hELL iS fOUR tHE Little ones my dARLING...hell IS FOR YOU!<br />
made into what you are, given what YOU WANT! sO i mAY dESTROY yOU!<br />
aND hAVE yOU; who's malipulating who, singularity is near.

It's true...I'm not sure anger is ever an appropriate desc<x>riptor for the kind of fury I feel. Rage always seems far more appropriate. But don't forget contempt and possessiveness, either. Though I'm not sure I'd actually call possessiveness negative. People should be honoured when they've managed to hold my attention long enough that I want to make them stay around, no matter how much they have to sacrifice to do so.<br />
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I do feel positive emotions, though. Pride, pleasure and amusement when someone does what I want them to, or when I am praised, commended, complimented. It feels *good* to have the adoration of people; really, to be the ob<x>ject of any strong emotion from them, whether it is lust, love, anger, fear or whatever. When that happens, it puts you in a position of power over them. Feeling nothing towards a thing gives that thing no power over you, but any strong emotion forms an attachment that can be...tugged and exploited. Some emotions are easier to tug than others, though, and some emotions get tangled and messy more quickly than others. Like love, for example. I find that one terribly complicated and I don't expect to ever really grasp it.<br />
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On an unrelated note, I find it curious how many psychopaths seem to have some terrible trauma in their childhood. Myself, I grew up in a normal, loving and accepting (perhaps too accepting) family. But I was always like this. I didn't even cry or laugh as a baby. *shrugs*