Worried About The Signs.

I'm in my mid-twenties. I have always had problems with life, problems the highlights of which I'll lis below. I knew about them my whole life, usually repressing their memory or convincing myself it wasn't a big deal or what someone else's fault. After twenty-something years of life, I look back on it all and think that I have really ****** up, and am afraid that it is too late or that I'm incurable.

-I lie. I've always lied. Since I was a kid and I used to tell fibs, through middle school when the lying became quite grand. My parents divorced at 13 and I used the opportunity for max attention, even feigning suicidal thoughts although I could never go through it. Afterward I saw counselors and told them stories ranging from having vivid terrible dreams to having violence issues, none of which are true. I would have these counselors, who seemed like genuinely good people, wrapped around my finger as I created these lies. They seemed to buy it. Each one would get a new persona from me, I would have my own little game with them. There were only a couple, mind you - only for a few months - but this is when the lying became and addiction. Because of all the lying, not a single soul on this planet truly knows me - and thus I am very alone. I believe I am going to hell.

-I've been addicted to **** since I was about 13. I have always done things that my parents or mentors told me not to - and **** is one of them. When I was caught by my parents via my internet history, I came up with a lie and made sure I was some kind of victim of it. I then learned how to erase my history and **** has been a big part of my life ever since. I get angry with girls who don't **** me like they do in those videos, or who don't look like them. I feel as though I deserve that kind of sexual attention on-demand, and I want it now. I have slept with married women, women in relationships, women while I was in relationships, friends of my girlfriend at the time, etc. I don't feel bad about any of it, in fact I feel as though I should have had way more partners over the years, as though I'm deserving. Monogamy seems like a joke, although I am the only one who seems to think that way.

-I have somewhat of a parasitic lifestyle. I live with my best friend, whom I genuinely care for, and he helps me with the bills. I have a job, but it's somewhat average and it suits me because I am not supervised much. It is also creativity-based so there are very little rules. The few rules that exist anger me. I have borrowed money from parents and friends and acquaintances, and rarely pay anyone back. It's rare now that I borrow money - only from the friend I live with via bills - but I have no real substantial plan to pay him back. I also have no real plan for the future, and sometimes wish I was hit by a bus or something one day so that I wouldn't have to come up with one.

-I do have some empathy. I feel guilt for all of this, but it comes and goes. I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I believe I genuinely love, but have cheated on her once with someone better looking and I don't feel bad. I have no feelings for that other person, only lust, and I don't wish to be with her - I just wanted to screw her. I would feel very guilty if my girlfriend were to discover this, as it would crush her and she doesn't deserve it - but the fact that it happened doesn't make me feel bad. In my mind, the mistress was someone from my past that I "ought to have" slept with at the time, so I am just making up for that. Bad timing, but same concept. I also think of ancient history, when kings had numerous wives, and I think to myself that monogamy is just a ruse contrived by women to control men who's nature is to have multiple partners.

-I find it difficult to work with people for long periods of time. I start to see their weaknesses and begin to consider them less intelligent, to the point that I can barely stand their presence. My boss, for example, is exceptionally bad at some of the things he does, and I view him as unworthy of his position and salary, even though he started the company. I see him as a problem that should be removed.

-I am very political, and somewhat prejudiced. I view some groups as the dregs of society and wish they would just leave. My opinions are limitless and if someone disagrees with me, I begin to consider them as inferior and part of the problem. I am an outspoken libertarian, and the views I particularly adhere to are those that shrink government, reduce the number of laws and taxes, and that would let me do whatever I want. Every new law that gets passed seems like tyranny to me, and I want to drag those legislators out of Congress and humiliate them for daring to pass a law that takes even more of my rights away. I read a lot of US History and adore the way our founding fathers spoke of liberty, although it's obvious that I have some devious purposes for this.

-I am fascinated with the columbine shooting, serial killers, and Hitler. I would never do any of this, but I have to admit that when I was in school and heard about Columbine, part of me (a rather large part) was thinking, "Finally, someone showed those bullies what's up." I believe that if I am wronged, I have the right to exact revenge. This happens verbally as I am nonviolent by nature, but in my mind I do hope the worst happens to anyone who crosses me, or especially whom dominates or denies me what I want. I see these traits in many of these infamous characters and am fascinated by them.

-I am somewhat of a quitter. If something isn't exactly what I want, I will drop it and move on without thinking twice. If I get bored with something I will leave it. I have trouble keeping a job for over a year as the whole place begins to feel as though it's populated with cretins that I can't stand.

-I am afraid that I will be found out, and the older I get the more paranoid I become about this. If the truth were to be known, perhaps not even my parents would still care for me. The guilt is starting to consume me - it crosses my mind more frequently. What if one of these people I've screwed over catches up with me? Past coworkers, vengeful husbands, the law - what if this comes back to haunt me? The thought is difficult to bare.

Is there a cure? Am I truly the only one with this kind of life? Have I ruined my time on the planet? Am I undeserving of things like a wife, family, house, security, comfort, etc? From what I read, psychopaths feel no guilt, which is one reason I still believe I may not be one for I am very sorrowful at times for my behavior. If there is some kind of therapy or treatment please let me know. I would like my next twenty-something years to be void of lies, deceit, immorality, and self-servitude. I would like to be a good person and hate myself for all of this, but I fear that I cannot help myself. 
lifeofregret lifeofregret
3 Responses May 15, 2012

You sound more like you may have not got enough attention as a child. You seem like your lying is just a way that you can receive more attention from those around you. Many people are addicted to ***********, your consistent lying probably just made it more easily unnoticed by your family and friends, therefore letting the lust for the dopamine rush grow uncontrollably. The morbid things you say you are fascinated by are normal. Many people find it appealing to learn about things that are labeled taboo by society. Your strong political feelings are probably just from the fact that you are a very aggressive individual. Your slight feeling of remorse makes me remiss the possibility that you are a psychopath, although it is said that psychopathy can occur in various degrees. If it is psychopathy, there is no cure because you have abnormal pathways in your neurological makeup. But I would guess either you are narcissistic, or you do these actions to gain attention and ultimately sympathy for your misfortunes. I am no psychiatrist though, so tread on my advise lightly. Professional advice can help everyone, so I would recommend that.

I think the fact you are worried about it is an indicator that you may be something else, Narcissist usual don't even reflect on their actions and don't know there is anything wrong, but I am no doctor. So let me share a little about my thoughts about when I found out I was a psychopath. It was like a flood light had shined into my soul(if I had one) and revealed the complete emptiness, it liberated me. I laughed to myself and said to myself, " that makes total sense." Although there are no good viewpoints out there on psychopaths, it never changed what I thought about myself. There is really nothing you can do about the way you think. Learn to love your thoughts, it isn't a disadvantage not to feel for people. <br />
Now i would like to share my behaviors and my thoughts on a day to day basis.<br />
If you ask anyone most would never guess, I mean I take pride in the fact that I am different and I use that to my advantage. I have a different personality for each person I spend time with, and I don't do long term relationships with anyone. Mostly cause it gets exhausting to keep my image for that long. I typically get bored, and sometimes it's painful. I enjoy the idea that I can dismember someones body and the only feeling i would have is from the burden of the mess it would make. People are measured in there usefulness, and I generally hate everyone, not that I act like it. I have this chasm that exists in my relationships. I can see people as being more or less useful to my life, but switch them out with another person with the same resources and I don't ever miss them. Sure if there is not someone to replace them, I might say to myself, it's unfortunate to not have so and so around, I liked how he always drove me places, or I might miss the sex life of an ex, but never the person gone. And I do think it is unbalanced, and I often see people with emotions exchanging resources in a way that seems much more fulfilling to them both. I know that is something I will never have, no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to care or empathize with another human being. I manipulate every chance that I get, it's like a game that I can see many moves ahead. Most of my behaviors are on a basis of their functionality, and that includes lying, I can lie if it is needed, but it isn't this compulsion. In fact i think lying is somewhat degrading, and I find it much more gratifying if I can change their mind, twist it to a new point of view. I don't feel much emotion, so anytime I am acting out it is because there is no other option. I am not violent although, if provoked I love the opportunity to act violently. Anyhow, that is all for now...

The first question to ask yourself would be WHY you feel guilty about your actions? Do you have an inner morality that dictates that your actions are wrong, and thus you feel bad because you feel like you are a bad person? Or do you feel bad because you fear you will lose something useful to you if you are caught.<br />
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I.E. Benefits from your parents if they figure you out, instead of losing a bond with them via connections.<br />
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Girlfriend breaking up with you and you being alone if she finds out as opposed to you not wanting her to get hurt.<br />
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If you find your answers lend more towards you're afraid of getting caught, then you could be a sociopath. Sociopaths are self serving by nature, but don't care about others. Do you care about your girlfriend and friend as people, even if the care doesn't benefit you? Or are they just useful to you? These are very key questions.<br />
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You might want to look into Narcissism. (This isn't me being mean. This is an actual disorder despite the term coined by it.) There is also a disorder that can cause a person to be addicted to sex. These both could be things to look into.<br />
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Chances are you can't help yourself, but that doesn't mean you can't be helped. Try looking into different psychiatrists and find one you can work with. And maybe you need to test you conscience. If you admit this to someone you believe you care about, how do you feel?