Not So Bad

I always knew I was different and suspected I was a psychopath for many years but only just recently took a test and researched the traits. truth be told, I didn't do it earlier because of the chance the test and list of traits would show that I wasn't. I wanted to be a psychopath.its hard to explain. I haven't done anything so drastic as to compare to silence of the lambs but I could. I've done a few things jail worthy but not much. I impress myself with my self control. I'm so rebellious that I don't do the things commonly attributed to psychopaths just to be an exception to the rule. its fun to have people fooled but lately I've considered telling people like family the truth just to shake them up and give me a challenge. it just feels like I have this talent or ability that is going to waste. I knowing could make so much money acting and I am quite sexy but the invasion of privacy thru the media would grow old fast.I'm wondering if anyone else has discovered ways to enhance their lives without a life sentence. this will be my first time talking to anyone such as myself. I know I haven't met any other psychopaths except maybe in passing. also I have this ability to read emotions and secrets off of people. I tell others its because I'm a Pisces but I'm not sure. I've been told that its quite creepy how much I can see. is this also a trait of a psychopath? ;)
neptunepisces neptunepisces
31-35, F
6 Responses Sep 21, 2012

thank you for your detailed response PMurinus. its helpful to receive nonjudgemental outside insight when I'm stuck in a "thought loop" which is where I appear to be. I believe both the physical and animal approach would benefit me greatly. I became stuck on the idea that improvement would only come through human interaction or dealing internally and never considered other possibilities. however I've recently came to terms with the fact that I am severely depressed and that the comment posted by aps9 seems to reflect my inner turmoil at this time. but your " ramblings" are on point and I will reflect back on them and use your suggestions when or if I'm able to find my way out of this fog I'm lost the meantime I'm sure someone else in a similar situation will read your post and will benefit from it. I appreciate your time and value your opinion. I believe I will be signing off now and doubtful I will be back on here anytime soon due mainly to disinterest in the attempt to better myself any longer. live long and proper...ciao

Look at you, PMurinus, being a ************* helper even when nobody who matters is watching. Who's a good, socially acceptable girl?

your nothing. Next....

What exactly do you mean about ways to enhance your life? How developed is your emotional response? What brings you pleasure? Satisfaction?

Without more information, the only advice possible is the generic sort of stuff that's a good idea for anyone: set reachable goals, get a hobby. If you like to act, do it. There's no reason to assume you'd be so super successful it would get in the way of your life. Pretty girls are a dime a dozen, and you're past Hollywood prime anyway.

true but I suppose what I'm truly looking for is something that can give me the satisfaction and pleasure I see in others. something I wouldn't have to be concerned with beating the justice system. :) recently I had a relationship with a man who introduced hard drugs and crime into my life. that relationship is over because it caused more problems than it was worth and the drugs affected the way I would think and I value my brain power. however during that time, living on the edge and on drugs allowed me to "feel" more and harder than ever before. I'm not willing to damage my brain further with drugs and don't want to go cliche adrenaline junkie either but I miss that "alive" feeling I had. I was just searching for ideas. it seems the older I get the more I notice what I'm missing. I use to enjoy being different but now especially after the wild ride with my ex I realize how empty I truly am. if I could be depressed I believe I would be at rock bottom.

to further complicate my diagnosis I also picked up a histrionic tendency which also screams ego and would explain my thoughts on becoming an actress. but that and narcissism was low in comparison with psychopath which regardless of the test was the top underlining disorder with only side dishes for the other two.but after reading all three I have a hard time believing all can exist simultaneously. I can see the few traits that landed the Narcissus and histrionic so the test is accurate. I believe I have over thought it all today.

What are you talking about when you mention testing as a psychopath? It's not a modern diagnosis in most places, at least outside the criminal justice system. ASPD, maybe?

It's true that you won't generally see more than one personality disorder co-existing, though I've heard of a person moving from one to another if they're self aware enough to re-examine themselves, overcome their worst habits... only to later fall into different ones they hadn't been vigilant for. Most of their major symptoms ARE just firmly ingrained habits, really.

With your reaction to my challenging assured success in acting, as well as what you said below, I think I retract my statement regarding narcissism. The inflated opinion of self is positively blinding in people suffering badly from it; the chances of you being both narcissistic and able to easily acknowledge your shortcomings (even if in this case, age is only a shortcoming within a specific field) are fairly low.

You COULD feasibly be experiencing depression. It's hard to tell. It sometimes comes as ennui, fatigue and inability to really enjoy anything rather than actual sadness.

Therapy/evaluation could be useful for figuring out what you're dealing with, but it may not be worth it to you if you're not experiencing severe troubles. Regardless, I've found increasing physicality is a nice way to get in touch one's.. emotional side? Animal side? Instinctive side, whatever. Running and lifting are healthy ways to experience pain, exhaustion, and endorphin highs. Climbing can do all of these things while offering a slight adrenaline rush if you're bothered by heights. Over time, regular muscle and aerobic exercise can lead not only to hormonal benefits, but to a lovely feeling of control as you become better and better at owning your own body, at making it do what you want it to do without protesting.

Working with animals might help awaken whatever vestiges of empathy you might be able to experience, if you're interested in that. They're simple. They're simple, and they're somehow easier to connect with than people, in my own experience and those of a surprising number of even incredibly violent offenders. That's not to say a bond with the strength a normal person could have is possible -- it may not really be at all -- but the enkindling of something resembling true feeling might be. Even if you find yourself unable to actually care for the thing, having complete control over something is something a lot of people with these kind of issues find rewarding.

Good ******* LORD I can ramble.

just to elaborate I answered every disorder test I could find honestly and every answer fit the profile. also said I was a narcissist. I have lost family members and the population is short one due to my purposeful action. but I would appreciate any feedback on what I could be if not a psychopath. fyi no sleep was lost nor any disruption to my normal activities after the above mentioned situations.

It seems more like narcissism to me.

NPD is one of the two major diagnoses that fall under the older psychopath label. I agree that you do sound more NPD than ASPD. It could be interesting to research for the sake of becoming aware of your own weaknesses. The inability to acknowledge weakness is often a major vulnerability for narcissists, and it leaves them open to serious breakdown if their ego is threatened.

I was rated only somewhat narcissistic as I do see my weakness and work on them daily. I'm aware I will always have weaknesses as they are part of the human condition. but I try to tackle the most obvious ones. such as my tendency to overcompensate my lack of emotion by "showing" to much feeling at far as my ego is concerned I consider any blow as a learning experience. my complete honesty with myself has succeeded in keeping me an accepted member of society. I appreciate all and any feedback that I'm getting. you never know when I might miss something :)


Your not a psychopath, I can tell by your story.