I'm Not Sure *what* I Am.....

TL;DR coming right up......

Okay. I know there is something wrong with me. I think there has been most of my life. I just don't know what it is. I'm not sure if I want to be fixed, or if I simply want to know what I'm classified as.
In primary school and high school I didn't have many friends. I was shy, awkward, weird. I was picked on and bullied every day. I hid the bruises from my parents or made up excuses. I didn't fit in anywhere. I was incredibly unpopular. I was a smart kid; I excelled at school with practically zero study or effort. But it was hell for me, and I was highly relieved it was over.
When I finished school I started working at an abattoir, more specifically on the beef kill floor. Now before you get ideas that it was a job I wanted due to some sick desire, it wasn't, I hated it. Pay sucked, it was arduous, but it was a job. I pretty much just picked it up because my Dad worked there and was much higher up the chain. It did that for 17 months. 12 hours a day, 5-6 days a week. As you can imagine, I did a lot of growing up there. I become more confident, more sure of myself.
I applied for the Air Force and somehow passed the Officer Selection Board. I spent 3 years in training before eventually washing out. Pretty much the same deal as high school, I just couldn't be ****** and my grades suffered. Some classes I would just skip 90% of the lectures and just attend the exam. As you can imagine, my natural talent for learning and academia only went so far at uni.
After the Air Force, I became a salesperson. At first for an electronic retail shop. I actually found that I was scarily good at it. I enjoyed the mental tussle you had with every customer. Finding new ways every day to make them THINK that they were getting a good deal, when I was actually just making maximum commission on every sale. I found I could quite easily falsify charm and get people to trust me, but in general, just outsmart them. I could be kind and helpful, or harsh and unflinching depending on the customer. Despite zero retail or sales experience, I quickly become the best salesperson in the shop. To this day I'm still the best salesperson they ever had.
Turns out I garned a reputation around our little city as an outstanding little salesperson, and it wasn't long until i was poached by a building company to sell new homes. While a completely different kettle of fish, turns out I was pretty good at that too, selling my first house within a month.

Other points to note about me is that I have a huge and delicate ego, I take excellent care of my physical fitness, and I have a short fuse with an incredible anger.

Now during this time, I have had a few relationships. 5 I would say. None of them have lasted over 5 months. All have crashed and burned pretty hard. 2 left me for another guy, 2 just got sick of me and told me they "didn't like me anymore", and 1 we just kinda drifted apart. The most recent of those ended just 5 days ago. She can't give me an answer as to why she ended it, just that she doesn't feel anything for me anymore. It's like, as soon as they figure out who I am on the inside, they're happy to toss me aside.

Now, I don't think I am a psycho/sociopath, because I am a very emotional person and i feel every emotion with extreme intensity. I am 100% certain I loved this girl. Like really loved her. When she ended it (over the phone I might add) I cried for half an hour straight 'till I could cry no more. Spent the following days lethargic and depressed. I still feel horrible over it and the sense of loss overwhelms me. I sway between intense sadness and intense anger on the topic.

When these situations arise, I always feel like I have been wronged. I treated this girl like a princess and she has hurt me so deep. The unfairness of it all keeps me awake every night. When this has happened in the past, I have sworn revenge and that I would make things right. Not by killing them, but by killing the ones they love and making them feel pain like I feel. But I have never followed through. Fear of getting caught is a massive factor, but obviously due to my connection with the person and the way things end I would always be considered as a suspect. But this time, I had a way to hurt her. She has this cat that she loved. Loved more than any human in her life. It was kinda weird. But her attachment to it was very real.

Anyway, I drove to her house, parked a block away, brought with me a hessian bag and a packet of cat food. The stupid cat trusted me from spending time around me, so it was a fairly simple matter to hide in the bushes and wait till I saw the cat in the front yard, lure it to me with the food, and then grab it by the scruff of the neck and throw it in my bag. I zipped the whole thing up in my backpack and walked back to my car. The poor little thing was whisper quiet, even as I threw him in the bag and marched him to his death. I got back to my car, kept him in the hessian bag, found his head and choked the life out of him. God it took forever! And the noises it made were incredible! My heart was pounding out of my chest as the adrenaline surged through me. Eventually I felt it's tiny little body go limp. It's a shame really. The cat itself was a little ****. Never affectionate, demanding as all hell, just generally annoying. But damn he was cute. Really pretty cat. Just seemed a shame to destroy something so beautiful, but he did need to die.
Anyway, I drove back to her street, put the cat on the road near her house and drove over it a few times to stage it's death. I could have just made it "disappear", the logical conclusion being that he had run away. But I wanted her to feel the visceral impact of seeing the mutilated body of her cat.
In the moments after the cat was dead, I felt fantastic. I was so happy that I had managed to pull it off and managed to go through with it. I've never killed ANYTHING before. Driving back home, and waiting out the hours to the next day, I had this horrible nauseous feeling, but it wasn't guilt. Not at all. It was just fear that someone had seen me. But I am fairly sure I have gotten away with it. I had a friend tag me in an old pub photo as I was doing it to provide some inkling of an alibi.
I still feel great. I regard the memory as a good one. But my main joy comes from knowing the pain I've inflicted on her. It's like it....evens....things slightly.
There's people in the world that I still desperately want to kill, but I think this cat provided a convenient stepping stone to more audacious things.

So people, diagnosis? What am I?
SanDimetrio SanDimetrio
22-25, M
4 Responses Sep 26, 2012

ive also noticed that you seem to be fixing these symptoms like you have read up on the symptoms of a psychopath which you said you didnt want to be which is kinda reverse psychology as to make us think that you dont want to be but youve actually googled the symptoms most likely and put them in here you probably never expected people to say that you were borderline personality disorder but you are . your not psychopath they have completely diff symptoms. but i could be wrong its just the way you have worded things like falsify charm etc you wouldnt really write it like that normally unless you have read up on it

its borderline i have that, you must have killed the cat on pure impulse haha, im telling you the amount of things iv done on impulse is insain and ****** up as i have threw a rock at someone not just a small one eitehr but i aimed for there head but missed and got there leg instead which resulted in this person not being able to walk for days, if it hit his face or head then prob serious injury at the time i didnt care just wanted pure revenge and yeh you do feel good after it

You sound borderline to me. If you seek therapy, you might want to look into DBT.

That's borderline as in Borderline Personality Disorder, not borderline as in 'nearly psychopath' .

I looked into BPT....and that sounds exactly what I am. I guess there's some relief in knowing it's an actual thing .... and treatable to an extent. Hmmmm. Decisions.

BPD is the disorder-- the other thing I mentioned, DBT, is Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which was designed specifically to deal with Borderline and Borderline-like cases of high-intensity emotion.

God dammit. I just saw her post on facebook that she has "lost" her cat. I really wanted her to find it's carcass. Now there's always a glimmer of hope that it's out there still living it's life. God mother flippin dammit. Someone must have removed it from the street. Sigh.