Reluctant Psychopath - I'm Batman

Batman? Not really. But it's kind of like that, the prospect of telling my story anonymously to other similar people, things that I've kept inside all my life (for the most part).

In the past, when I researched Psychopathy to learn more about this 'grey area' in the psychological industry, I spoke my mind to my (now) ex-wife, and she tried to use such studies and admissions against me in our divorce case.

I believe I'm a psychopath. Although I'm not any sort of psych-nerd who wants to diagnose myself with all sorts of acronyms, nor is it some label I use to feel like I belong, or that I'm special.

From what I've learned, which is suspect since there still remains lots of variance and controversy on the subject, Sociopaths are made from trauma, and Psychopaths are born with modified minds. And Anti-Socials are the modern variant of both of those put together. ... And Narcissism kind of floats around all of it.

The thing is, most psychopaths (according to shrinks who think psychopaths are bad people and can't write a book on it without obvious bias) are inherently flawed by a warped view of reality, and a self-serving (but out-of-control) perspective that gets them in trouble all the time, holding them back from successful lives.

I don't think that's the case with psychopaths. Maybe some. But there are likely many variants of psychopaths, just as with all people, in intelligence, ambition, emotional maturity, and self-control.

I'm a smart psychopath, who hides my unique perspective from the world, and gets along well with people on my path to success. I've worked in sales and marketing, and I build businesses. And I've no compunctions about destroying those who cross me or crushing my competition by any means ... in secret, of course.

Ever since I was little, I've rarely experienced the feeling of guilt. I've rarely been afraid. I've hardly ever really connected with the concerns of others. Though I can pick up on their feelings, I've usually been detached. Since young childhood, I've had no problems at all with stealing (I frequently stole candy and other goodies from stores), and because I was smart and detail-oriented, I was good at it, and never really suffered any consequences up through my adult life.

I have no respect for the law. Although I don’t try to flagrantly snub my nose at it or cause trouble, because life is more harmonious for me if I (visibly) stay within the lines. If a law is in my way, I’ll regard it as unnecessary and superfluous, and do whatever I want, careful to hide my anarchism and avoid making waves. I’ll never go out of my way to break a law, but I experience no guilt or fear in doing so if it’s more convenient or practical for my purposes and I can get away with it. I feel in another professional path, I would have made a great scout-sniper, because I have no aversion to killing. Up until now, I just haven't had to. I've manipulated therapists, law enforcement officers, and judges. I've defeated polygraph testing.

Although my family raised me Christian, and I didn't break out of that until my teenage years, looking back on my child mind, I know I never believed in any mysticism or gods. It was pretend. Simply what I was led to believe was normal behavior. (Of course, I think most people pretend religion is real anyway, and are too afraid to admit they're pretending.)

Throughout my adulthood, I've attached myself to Libertarian ideals, specifically the teachings of Ayn Rand, which touts logic over emotion and unrestricted capitalism and protection of individual rights. Although, I have a strong appreciation for a book called "Might is Right" by Ragnar Redbeard, and deep down, I know that I don't really care about the individual rights of others; just for myself and those close to me.

See, that's one thing that doesn't mesh with the conventional description of psychopathy. I care entirely about myself, of course. And don't care about other people. But I DO, also, care for my child, my family, and my (few) friends. While my empathy for family and friends is a little 'limited', my child is *completely* connected to me, and I care for my kid like no one ever before in my life. If something is truly 'wired differently' in my brain, detaching me from normal human empathy, perhaps the biological attachment to offspring, and the desire to protect and nurture them, is more powerful, or is wired in a different way. But my child aside, I *have* truly cared for the emotions and well-being of a few other people in my life. I'm not a complete island.

That said, such empathy and caring is a bit of a paradox. I can remember emotional times with my ex-wife, when we were arguing, or she was otherwise upset, and I was sad and upset for seeing her upset, so I was emotional right there with her. But, at the same time, my mind was also on another whole different plane of understanding. Two minds:
- One that was connected, sympathetic, crying with her, soothing her, caring about her being in pain, etc.
- And another mind that watched with clinical detachment, unconcerned, studying the way her face moved, what was happening around us, thinking about completely different things.

How many of you have experienced the same? I've never been able to completely 'lose myself' in emotions, because that part of my mind was always in cold control somewhere else. In love, sex, even doing drugs, I've never totally let go, because that alien part of me was always hanging onto the reigns. And ultimately, that machine part of me is always stronger. I wonder if someday I may meet a woman who *can* get me to let go, or if I'll always be this way.

Sometimes I think everyone else perceives the world just like I do, but all lie to themselves and fool themselves with cultural and religious brainwashing that they're different than human beings naturally are, more compassionate and caring than they really are. But many times, I fail at the 'emotional connection' part of relationships, and have to remind myself that people think differently. I really am more like a machine in many ways.

And at the same time, I still require the emotional support of people I care about, and if I don't have such people, I waste a lot of productivity trying to *find* those people. Desperate for a new romantic relationship. And maybe that has something to do with an insecurity/narcissist need for attention, but I haven't looked too far into that yet. I need frequent praise. While I can be so very strong alone, so powerful in myself, I can still be so lonely at the same time, and can't enjoy the fruits of my labor without someone to share it with.

Many times I feel quietly arrogant, like I’m a different species, or an evolution above the current version of humanity. I feel like I see the truth, like I’m enlightened, while surrounded by zombies who are just scratching the surface of ‘getting it’ or just totally, blissfully blind.

Many things I've described, and the way that I can callously interact with the world, may be denoted as being a 'bad person'. But I don't think I'm bad. (But, bad people never do, right?) Rather, I mostly leave people alone. I feel like I have a good heart. I'll make friends (usually professionally), and I'm cheerful and easy to get along with, and I'm all about crushing people or organizations who do me harm. But I've never gone out of my way to hurt someone, unless they asked for it. I feel more like a wolf living among sheep, who just wants to enjoy life and be left alone.

So much I can say, without worrying about what I'm saying. I've left out a lot, but it's a good start.
redghost666 redghost666
31-35, M
2 Responses Nov 30, 2012

Thanks for sharing that part of your story. It was really helpful for me to see that there are others without empathy who are not necessarily hell bent on killing although I always enjoyed physical violence as a boxer, in films, and occasionally to resolve personal conflicts. I am not ready to share much about myself now, but I will check back when I am ready. I have found the philosophy of atheism useful for finding meaning in my own life. I recommend highly the work of Evid3nc3 on youtube, I also like the work of Nietzsche, especially the Anti-Christ. I think he felt as we do... bests summed up in his idea that "pity just makes suffering contagious"

This was excellent and very insightful and I can completely relate.