Diagnosed, Thought I'd Share

I was diagnosed with psychopathy and AsPD about a year ago. It was a new experience, I had no idea others thought, felt and acted the way I did. The psychopathy I have is biological, stemming from my mothers side. I thought I'd join this community and share my thoughts, feelings and daily activities - most of which are legal.

A lot of what people write on here makes me laugh. Some of you sound like robots, I don't understand it. With me, I feel a lot of emotions. I feel sad, angry, irritable, happy, content - but these feelings are purely selfish, as I do not feel empathy for others around me. Funny thing was, I always thought people faked the "awww" and "I'm sorry" responses they gave, I never actually thought for one second that they could mean it.

Getting diagnosed was interesting. I didn't research psychopathy for a while, as I related it to Hannibal Lector, and thought "well, this b*tch is crazy for thinking I'm like him" - I'm no serial killer, nor have I killed before. But after researching, the lying, boredom, irritability, spontaneity, no respect for the law or for people, no empathy etc, it all made sense. Im a very restless person.

I feel as though I'm a caged animal most days. I play with people for my own amusement, I drive fast and I do extreme sports to combat the boredom that drives me insane. I don't want to end up in jail, I'm what is considered a high functioning psychopath, one that knows the consequences. I rarely look for the consequences. I do things, and then get reminded of the consequences. But I've managed to keep myself out of jail, and that's the most important thing.

I've gotten rid of a lot of people from my life. I've discarded them when they have become too boring, too emotional. The reason why most of my relationships end is the boredom. I need a new conquest. I also cheat on a lot of them. My current relationship - he knows what I have been diagnosed with, yet he refuses to see. He refuses to research, and I like that. He believes I love him. Love is another thing I can't have. I can't love. I wouldn't mind loving, it looks like fun. But it's something I can't feel, and a lot of people don't understand that. So I usually lie. My family for instance "you can't love... But you love us, right?" "of course I do, you're my family" - very simple and effective. Although the way they describe me now is "love in their own way". I find that very amusing. Do I love in my own way? I suppose I do.

My moods are also very superficial. I can go from extremely angry, to smiling in a second. Things move very quickly with me, I'm not one to hold a grudge. Although I have been known to punish later on, if you annoy me that much. Most of it is for pleasure.

I'll probably come back on here when I'm not busy and write something else about my life, but I'm tired now. Ask questions if you want.

Nice to meet you all ;)
Polleo Polleo
Jan 9, 2013