Is My Life A Lie?? How Could I Do This To Myself And My Family?

I thought i had it all, amazing looks, outgoing personality, very intellegent (but lacked the drive to do much schoolwork) close friends, family that loved me and supported me, a great job at least for my age that i excelled at and had every guy at work worship me.... i knew i was always driven by material things, i dated guys who spoiled me, i only bought the best of the best of everything and lived in the nicest apartments in town and bought a pretty new nice jetta... anyways one day this really good looking boy from my astronomy class showed me a great deal of attention and interest... i had a boyfriend of two years and two months thogh, how could i pass this hot cool guy up when i was pretty much completly over and annoyed with the boyfriend i had then? well i gave him my phone number (which was a new seperate phone from the one my boyfriend and i shared on a phone plan so that i could talk to other guys, since he checked every number i called or texted), the next thing i knew he texted me and wanted to hang out that weekend... i didnt think i could pull off hanging behind my boyfriends back on the weeekend but i really wanted to hang out with this sexy surfer so I asked him to hang out that night after i got off of work around midnight.. he came to the bar at my work, i met him, we went to a different bar but i got my fake id taken away so we just drank and talked on the beach then went to my pool and talked and hugged and stuff then he slept over and we cuddled but i wouldnt cheat, also he didnt try to kiss me untill the next morning(WOW I ACTUALLY HAD A MORAL and a boundry). when i drove him home i guess i accidently butt dialed my bf and he heard us talking(****) then he came to my house and i told him some bs story like i went to starbucks to do hw with the guy and then came back to my apartment to do homework( I had taken down the pictures of us in my room). I said the guy tried to kiss me but i didnt(which was true) and he gave me a chance to stay with him but i was oves it and thought i could get bettr so i said no, its over. anyway two months went by and i moved to a different brand  2 million dollar new apartment a block from the amazing beach i was seeing a guy an hour away who i met at love fest in san fran, then money got really really tight and i couldnt afford alot of things, my roomates were talking **** about me to my ex and my ex would lash out at me about what they were saying, as well as a backstabbing "friend" i had who told him all about the guys i was seeing now and stuff... anyway i felt threatened and alone and needed financial support as well as emotional so i begged my ex to get back with him saying whatever and doing whatever it took to get him back, even though i really didnt want to get back together with him bc i loved him or wanted to be with him. I had no idea what i was doing, but it ruined my life. I feel like im living a big fat lie now and i dont have that much to talk about with anyone. I feel emty and hopelesss inside, physically sick everyday. I realized i think i am a psychopath because i dont think i ever do anything for the right reasons, i dont think i have true guilt, just fear of getting caught i dont have empethy for others and i always want bad things to happen to other people. I never have wanted to kill anyone but i think if i did i wouldnt give a ****.  so i dont know what to do. my brain is paralyzed basically, i have little memory anymore cant function at work and can barely concentrate on anything... i just want to die right now. I dont know what to do. but thats my story. I get really angry with people who ignore me or dont acgnowlege me and i think about doing something bad to them. i need support from people who have the same problems as myself to keep going in life... i dont wanna kill myself but eveeryday ******* sucks balls and nothing is fufilling except ******* with people in some way. the only thing i laugh at are jokes about people or making fun of people

jaimecupcakes jaimecupcakes
18-21, F
5 Responses Feb 17, 2010

NPD perhaps?

I'd love one.

....and a xanax drip

Actually jaimecupcakes, if you "cared" you wouldn't be considered someone with psychopathy... We also don't ever think we are doing anything wrong. ever.. I think you may be suffering from depression in some sorts and have social anxiety. You can most likely get help from a counselor.

I am trying to get why this is in the "psychopath" experience group?