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Going Over The Cliff Over And Over

When I married, it was for life. Years of conflict, anger, emotional abuse, humiliation. When I left, 20 years later, I felt high. In control again.

Ever since I took back my life almost 10 years ago, I have adopted pets and given them up. Over and over. I love them, care for them, and tolerate their worse qualities: excessive barking (a pomeranian 7 year commitment), never being house broken (a shih tsu 9 year commitment), rescue shepherd mix turned aggressive (6 months), not housebroken (senior dachshund 9 months), high exercise needs (english shepherd, 3 years), not being house broken and being aggressive (cocker spaniel 6 months), not using litter box (persian cat 2 years), hyperactivity (senior golden retriever, 1 year), general wild behavior (english mastiff puppy 9 months).

Comments on my lack of sanity or general humanity are not helpful. On my behalf, I have owned dogs and cats for their whole lives prior to the divorce; the animals I got, I rescued from SPCAs and kill shelters and I found them good homes, never sending them back to a kill shelter. I have grieved their loss, a couple terribly.

As to my sanity, I have a psychiatrist and am on antidepressants. I have a severely disabled daughter. I have a great therapist. But this pet thing. It feels like I always am trying to make something happen that is just not going to work. I feel like I try and give up over and over again. And. I just did it again. I got a 4 month old collie. He was terribly undersocialized so I socialized him, trained him, and loved him. He gets along with my other pets. He is dog three. Now I am totally overwhelmed again. He jumps on me and races around the house and tears up the expensive dog beds I have for the dogs or shoes or counter surfs. I have found him a great new home. I need to confirm by calling. And I feel like s*#t again. If he goes to them, he will be with an affluent couple who will provide the best of the best for him. I just get mad at him, really hate walking in neighborhoods so don't walk him (spoiled by growing up with open space to walk my dog), and I am once again saying, oh this is too hard too much work. I hate myself. What is wrong with me. Should I try with this dog??? I also have a large cat I am thinking of giving up because he poops outside of the litter box and the other cats don't. But he is a love. What is my problem? Pure laziness????

Two days later: Well, the writing of my story helped give me some insight.  Insight into an exhausted feverish consciousness. The most practical of which turns out to be, don't make decisions when you are sick.  I was sick and now am more or less better.  I kept the puppy. Back at work I did something I never get used to seeing others do: I posted some words of advice to myself  on post its around my desk: Don't make decisions when you feel sick; Do the easy things before you give up; Stay Calm and Carry On. 
An Ep User An EP User Jan 24, 2013

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