Seeking Knowledge And Community

I just happened to stumble onto this site, and with regards to the talk going on here, topics such as packs, alphas, betas, etc, I must say I'm intrigued.

I do not know if I am a werewolf. I'm here hoping to find answers.

And...

Since this is suppose to be a story, I'll share:

When I was 15 I had a shapeshifting experience/event, and for the past 17 years I've ignored that experience, and what it meant for me, to a greater degree. I'm here in the hopes of finding some solidarity in what happened to me, and in finding the core of that potential, so that I may be at peace with it; in balance with it.

Part of this stage in this journey, in trying to understand what happened to me, and what is happening to me, I'm reaching out, in all directions, in the hopes of finding knowledge, and through that knowledge hopefully some solace and understanding. So, I've joined a couple of forums hoping that this widens the field of potential.

That said, I appreciate any thoughts.

This is how it started. What I understand some call an "Awakening" story:

I've just recently started talking about this openly, and am still hesitant to discuss too many details. No judgement on those who are more willing to share, but this is personal, and in some ways intimidating, and that puts me in a place that I'm uncomfortable with; so I'm not quick to share. I'm used to dealing with the things that are challenging. I'm a warrior (martial artist for over 17 years) and have worked in security forces; was once a survival instructor; was a mental and behavioral health counselor working in a level 4 and 5 facility (lockdown) for aggressive teens; was a bouncer; etc etc; so I'm used to adversity. I'm used to pushing through fears and doubts to get the job done. But this is, like I said, intimidating...

That all said, my awakening experience, and all the other experiences I have had with the "beast" have been violent, or took place during moments of violence directed towards me. I took my awakening story to a Shawoman, whom I worked with for quite some time, and she said that without a doubt it was a shapeshifting experience. And, to get to the bottom line of the story, and why its so difficult to discuss, I attacked and chased 8 of my friends. All but one of them ever spoke to me after, and afterwards I was sent away to California to train and hone my martial arts skills in the hopes of dealing with what happened. My father was military and he got in a lot of trouble for my actions, so sending me away was the only option my parents could muster. No one was hurt severely, but of course friends were lost. They never spoke to me afterwards.

It started when I was walking back to a camp ground on the military base we lived on. They had a small lake with a camping area near to the housing units, and all of the community kids were pretty tight. Well, clichish. Anyhow, I was walking back with my friend, and I looked up and I noticed it was a full moon. (Now, before I go further, I know that the full moon plug is a bit cliche, and, from what little I know of the topic, actually has little, if nothing, to do with shapeshifting, in general. I'm only telling it as it is. As it happened. So, with that disclaimer out of the way....) Suddenly I felt different, but nothing really changed immediately except for the fact that I felt more...I used to use the word angry, but I think powerful is more the appropriate word usage. I had an empty soda can in my had and I felt this surge of aggression and I threw the empty can over a tall oak that we were walking past. I stopped my friend in amazement and said, "That can was completely empty." And he said, "Yeah. So?" So I convinced him to try the same. He did. His can only made it just passed the first tree limbs. Then we laughed about it and he asked, "Have you been working out?" I told him I hadn't.

As the night went on, I slowly became more reclusive, and protective of my space. Less playful. More angry. Finally, everything went black, and I remember nothing of the event.

What I was told was that I changed. I acted like an animal. An aggressive and territorial animal. At first my friends said that they thought I was playing. So they played along. But then, when I actually attacked one of them, ripping their shirt apart and scratching their skin, breaking it, they all begin to run away. The one who told me all of this was my friend who was walking with me earlier. He was a track and field guy. A runner. He said that at one point he was running from me as fast as he could and I was on all fours right on his heels.

There are other details, ones that I will keep to myself, but needless to say, I not only terrified my friends, but when I found out what I had done I was terrified as well.

I awoke that night half naked lying in the middle of a quiet road. My father was walking towards me. I could see him at a distance in a blur. I knew it was him cause he was calling for me to get up. He was angry, but attempting to be quiet. Confused and slightly scared I started walking with him in silence. I thought I had drank too much or did a drug that took the **** out of me. So I remained silent, embarrassed and scared of what my punishment would be. Then, as we were walking back, my father stops me and looks at me with fear in his eyes. He asks "Son, did you really do what your friends say you have done?" Startled and even more confused I told him that I had no idea what he was talking about. He looked at me for a moment, and then turned and started walking back home. I followed.

When we arrived, all my friends were standing huddled near my front door, my mother consoling them. I couldn't look any of them in the eye. I knew something was terribly wrong.

Within a few minutes I was in my mother's car, and she was taking me to the base hospital. They ran tests there. they took a spinal tap, a urine test, and blood test. Only thing that came back was a apparently a heightened level of adrenaline; I was never allowed to see the file; my mother told me the results of the analysis.

So, that's my story...

I've been living with the "beast" for years now. And slowly, recently, its been beginning to "call" out to me more. I used to fear it, but now, I don't fear it. I respect it. And want to know it. Trouble is, there is so little knowledge out there regarding shapeshifting in the practical sense. How to release it. How to control it. I haven't done much research, just started, but what I have seen is very little. Its my hope that, perhaps, there are a few people out there that actually know what I've been through. And maybe they can help.

Now, having shared this story with a couple of other forums, there has been concern regarding a potential mental disorder: Clinical Lycanthropy.

I have looked into it. Extensively. As I have explained on these other forums, I have worked in the mental health field for a number of years. Have my education in counselling/psychology, and minored in anthropology. My symptoms are different all together from Clinical Lycanthropy, and I suffer from no form of depression or personality disorder; which, if I did, could be the precursor to schizophrenia . I have no signs of thought pattern disorder. I eat well. Exercise routinely and extensively. Am a responsible and organized adult. To be matter of fact, I am a very healthy man.

In addition, for reasons associated with the shapeshifting experience, as well as other events (head injuries, spinal injuries, etc), throughout the course of my life I have had various tests ran that would help determine any potential neurological or chemical issues present. EEGs, EMGs, MRIs, CTs, Blood and Urine analysis, and so on. Like I said, the only test that has ever been ran that came back with any abnormal variable was with regards to the spinal tap I received. It came back with high readings of adrenaline just after the shift.

Furthermore, and finally, in addition to everything mentioned above, I have, on numerous occasions related to my previous occupation in mental health, been psychologically evaluated by unbiased clinicians and have, every time, been cleared as mentally stable and able to work within a psychiatric facility.

So, yes, I have looked into the concern of this even having been a potential case of Clinical Lycanthropy.


Thanks for listening...

I look forward to hearing your thoughts and feedback.

Caerwyn
Caerwyn Caerwyn
31-35, M
2 Responses Dec 13, 2012

Welcome!

Thanks!

Intrigued.

Would love to hear your thoughts if you have any. Have read some of your posts here. I appreciate your approach, and would respect any feedback you might have.

Thanks...

Will prob be after weekend. I work 12 hr night shifts so you can understand the inconvenience at times.