On Growing Up A Recluse
When I was younger I was always quiet. I was just in my own world. I remember being happy and satisfied. I would talk to people only when I knew exactly what to say. I did not and still do not understand small talk. It seems like a waste of time and I feel very awkward when I attempt it. I don't mind listening to people but after a while I do get agitated. I remember wanting to be like everyone else and not really understanding why I couldn't be. I grew up in a house where my older brother was and still is an extreme extrovert. I wanted to be like him. I just wanted everyone to not think of me as some nerd or "that kid who never comes out". I can fill the Empire State Building with pages and pages of emotions, thoughts and ideas about my high school school years. That was easily the worst time of my life. In almost every way a person like me is not suited for the high school experience. Its awkward in class, after class, in the lunchroom(especially in the lunchroom), and during after school events like prom and house parties(which I never attended). I had friends growing up but not people I could relate with. The friends I had were more like the I feel bad for this guy so let me try to include him in the group type. I didn't care one way or the other about having friends since to me it felt like work keeping up with them. The only reason I went on with them was 1. Because at that point I still had a little desire to be like my brother(free and easy) and I thought that all I needed was practice and it would all come around 2. My mother and father. I didn't like the way they came into my room after like two weeks of being inside and ask me am I okay.(Just one example of many awkward situations) When I turned 20 I started to realise that I am not weird. I started to think to myself that this is who I am. It took a little while for me to accept this conclusion. I started to get depressed. Going from full on suicidal to just upset at the conclusion I came to. After a few years I took a really hard look at my life and made peace with it. I have no social life(don't really care but at that point I really did. Mainly for reasons previously stated). I go to work and speak only about work related topics. I sit in and watch tv mostly or go on the internet(pretty much anything that involves just me I love). I am not going to go into full detail of my life but these are the basics of it. What I have learned over the years is kind of cheesy but just be yourself, its easier and you will feel more sane. I found that all the while trying to be like my brother only led me down a path that led to depression and serious thoughts of suicide. I now keep to myself and try to be polite to everyone I meet(neighbors, coworkers, etc) and you know what by not trying to be like my brother I became like my brother, free and easy and I love every minute of it. The only thing lacking in my life that I can think of now is a relationship. I find woman to be confusing and scary a little. I would love to spend my life with someone who understands and appreciates all that is me. But sadly anyone who spends more then 10 minutes with me seems to want to get away as soon as possible. This might be just me but if it seems real it is(at least in our minds). I know its kind of silly to want something you can't have but in the words of The Smiths "I am human and I need to be loved".