On Growing Up A Recluse

When I was younger I was always quiet.  I was just in my own world.  I remember being happy and satisfied.  I would talk to people only when I knew exactly what to say.  I did not and still do not understand small talk.  It seems like a waste of time and I feel very awkward when I attempt it.  I don't mind listening to people  but after a while I do get agitated.  I remember wanting to be like everyone else and not really understanding why I couldn't be.  I grew up in a house where my older brother was and still is an extreme extrovert.  I wanted to be like him.  I just wanted everyone to not think of me as some nerd or "that kid who never comes out".  I can fill the Empire State Building with pages and pages of emotions, thoughts and ideas about my high school school years.  That was easily the worst time of my life.  In almost every way a person like me is not suited for the high school experience.  Its awkward in class, after class, in the lunchroom(especially in the lunchroom), and during after school events like prom and house parties(which I never attended).  I had friends growing up but not people I could relate with.  The friends I had were more like the I feel bad for this guy so let me try to include him in the group type.  I didn't care one way or the other about having friends since to me it felt like work keeping up with them.  The only reason I went on with them was 1. Because at that point I still had a little desire to be like my brother(free and easy) and I thought that all I needed was practice and it would all come around 2. My mother and father.  I didn't like the way they came into my room after like two weeks of being inside and ask me am I okay.(Just one example of many awkward situations)  When I turned 20 I started to realise that I am not weird.  I started to think to myself that this is who I am.  It took a little while for me to accept this conclusion.  I started to get depressed.  Going from full on suicidal to just upset at the conclusion I came to.  After a few years I took a really hard look at my life and made peace with it.  I have no social life(don't really care but at that point I really did. Mainly for reasons previously stated).  I go to work and speak only about work related topics.  I sit in and watch tv mostly or go on the internet(pretty much anything that involves just me I love).  I am not going to go into full detail of my life but these are the basics of it.  What I have learned over the years is kind of cheesy but just be yourself, its easier and you will feel more sane.  I found that all the while trying to be like my brother only led me down a path that led to depression and serious thoughts of suicide.  I now keep to myself and try to be polite to everyone I meet(neighbors, coworkers, etc) and you know what by not trying to be like my brother I became like my brother, free and easy and I love every minute of it.  The only thing lacking in my life that I can think of now is a relationship.  I find woman to be confusing and scary a little.  I would love to spend my life with someone who understands and appreciates all that is me.  But sadly anyone who spends more then 10 minutes with me seems to want to get away as soon as possible.  This might be just me but if it seems real it is(at least in our minds).  I know its kind of silly to want something you can't have but in the words of The Smiths "I am human and I need to be loved". 

emarr1984 emarr1984
26-30, M
5 Responses Sep 7, 2011

Your story sounds exactly like mine.

While I do appreciate your tips, I don't think they would help me much. Its not that I need an intelligent woman. I wouldn't like her to be unintelligent but if she feels right for me I am open to it. I just basically need a woman who understands my behavior and accepts it. I need someone who understands that sometimes I need to stay in the house and not do anything at all and know that I am not depressed or anything I am just recharging my batteries. I need someone who knows that because I only spoke a few words to her today that I am not mad at her. Sometimes my mind takes over and I go into shutdown mode where on the outside I look like I am being very quiet and standoffish but on the inside my brain is on overdrive. I need someone to know that I appreciate her needs but I also have my own. I know I have many percieved flaws but this is who I am. I am willing to bend a little but I always have to bounce back to my original position or I start to feel very wrong somehow. After saying all this I am going to try because you are right "who knows" I have put myself in worse positions and have felt the pain of rejection but I will not go there to look for a date or someone to date. I am going to go and be myself and if it isn't enough then at least I am going to have some stimulating conversation.

I have never had a problem with woman having an initial interest in me. I find that after the initial conversation there isn't much to talk about. That is fine, in fact it is quite normal for me. But women usually see this as a sign of rejection or simply believe that I am not entertaining enough to be with. I understand that it is easy for some people to just go on and on with small talk but for me I have about 5 good minutes of it and then boom nothing. I only like to talk when its about a subject I know about. I don't have to be an expert on this subject just knowledgeable. If I could just find a woman who understands and appreciates this attitude and doesn't take it personally then this would be a non issue. But most woman I know are outgoing, love small talk and gossip. Now the woman who enjoy intelligent conversations and don't mind if they couldn't go out on saturday night and seem to accept my behavior are either married or much older than me. I am willing to commit to an older woman just not in her 50's.<br />
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When it comes to making friends it seems as though the more you talk about nothing the more popular you are. I can be polite in asking 'How is the family?" or "How are you doing today?" and just going from there. But after about 5 minutes I have nothing. I don't want to go out to a bar and I don't want to go to a club and I don't talk about woman like they are pieces of meat and I don't have any stories about how fun my weekend was. I don't know why I can't just be like everyone else. I don't really care any more. I just have to walk my path and see where it takes me. I have stopped putting myself in situations that make me depressed because I don't fit in. That is behind me. I have tried and failed in glorious fashion. The only thing left for me to do is to be myself and hopefully someone sees this and accepts me for who I am. <br />
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P.S. I like all sorts of woman its just that they don't seem to like me after initial conversation. I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with an outgoing, free spirited woman just like I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with a woman who does not like going out or is conservative. The only thing I need is acceptance and love because that is all I have to give and that is all I would want in return.

Heya! <br />
I was reading your story, I liked it! Your not so bad man, you and I are allot alike in many senses. I have always been the odd man out of just about any group. In school, just a couple actuall friends that really had any connection with. I am a person wh can be perfectly happy being by my self, but also I do enjoy good company. <br />
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You might perhaps be amazed what 10 minutes with the right person can do. Being different is the best thing you can be, I like people who are not the average. <br />
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I am 27 years old my self, I have accepted some time ago that I am different and will always be a bit socially awkward. <br />
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I tend to think that 10 minutes is all we would need to create a foundation to a good friendship.

I agree that it's best to be yourself. I don't think it's cheesy, just the wisest way to live your life. I am very much like you, introverted but polite. I don't open myself up to people unless I know them really well. I think some people are just uncomfortable around introverts but I can't change who I am to make other people comfortable. I believe that in being yourself you have a better chance of entering a good relationship that will last with someone who understands and respects you. I wish you luck.