I Wanted To Be One

If I lived alone, I be a real recluse. I lived alone 5 years and only went out to work and did grocery shopping. I'd buy enough for a month so I wouldn't have to go back out for a while. I've always been a loner, especially since my teen years when I realized ppl didn't understand my honesty and thoughts on things. I've always been indifferent to ppl's opinions of me, I just like to voice my views and hear those of others. But, ppl don't like ppl who are different -in other words, unconventional -so I was avoided as time went on. I took to staying in my room, writing pages and pages to pen pals. I wrote poetry, studied the Bible, anything to keep my mind occupied without having to deal with ppl. I was a redhead and needlesstosay, a ferocious blusher, which made things 10 times worse. By the time I was 40 yrs old, I feared the blushing so much that I delayed many opportunities and almost lost my job I'd become agoraphobic enough to not be able to leave the house and sometimes even the parking lot once I got to work. I was put on anti-anxiety drugs and it helped tremendously with the job issue, but not the self-consciousness in general. 3 years ago, I took in my son and 2 GDs and have had to put aside my love of being alone. I still get my son to do most of the errands and I stay at home as much as possible. I like to talk to neighbors, but not strangers or even general acquaintances. One day, when I'm gone they'll all remark how weird and unapproachable I was. Too bad they'll never know how sorry I was (am) about that and that I couldn't be what I wasn't.
donnaru donnaru
66-70, F
1 Response May 11, 2012

the more I stay in the more I hate going out--