A Recluse Of The Highest Kind !

when i say i am a recluse well i guess its not out of choice .....am not sure my life could get much worse ......i guess i feel trapped ...and my behaviours are somewhat alarming even to myself........the downward spiral i have been on is like a helter skelter .........but its a real long one that takes me into oblivion.....am not comfortable with my living arrangements ....am living with two blokes in a house around the corner from my dear dad with his pleasant modern little mining cottage ....but am not happy am at rock bottom and i sense my reclusive nature is rearing its ugly head ..am not wanting to go out around the area for fear of seeing people from the past people i grew up with and other people.....its the fear of the shame of what people will think ....a nearly forty year old unemployed unmarried loser who has very few friends and has immense problems with socialising and attachment disorder and has left her daughter one hundred and sixty miles away!

not good not a good situation when everyone else is living fruitful,wholesome lives after twenty years away ..wish my dad would help me....wish he would let me come home for a while ...just get back on my feet .....i could sneak around with my stuff .....a suitcase and rucksack and lap top full of empty dreams ....am sorry daddy but i wish to god one of you would help me its not much to ask but am out on my own standing alone and i need a miracle to save me this time!
psychicprayer psychicprayer
36-40
3 Responses Dec 1, 2013

Id hate living with twp guys

Have you actually asked your Dad for help? I understand ur pain n shame. I'm a recluse,hermit.whatever u want to call it too.,

As someone that is a recluse to this day and has some experience with what you are going through, I can honestly say that you are not alone. I've been a recluse for as long as I can remember and I get **** for it up until today. I call tell you that growing up, I was constantly going between my mother and father's house (my father's house where my oldest sister molested me), going to cheerleading practice where I was an outsider and in the shadow of my older brother (who was the coach at my gym), and generally feeling unloved and unneeded. I never felt "rested". I think that's the best way to explain it. On the weekends, I would do nothing for fear of not having the energy to keep up the sham of a life I was living. Now that I am 23 years old, a social worker with a great career, only one friend that happens to live with me, and a generally supportive family I can say that things are easier, but I still love to be at home. I avoid people from my past and HATE running into people I know. I won't even go to the McDonald's I prefer, for fear of having to actually talk to someone. I had to get over this aversion to social interaction to become a social worker (strangely), but I was feel like I "check out" when I interact with others. Like I let another side of me, a more in control and organized side of me, handle the strain of daily interaction. All I can say is try to find a job. I work from home, so my job gives me the ability to soothe my reclusive nature, but at the same time I crave the chance to get out of the house once in a while, so that I can "check out" and have the better side of me handle things. I used to pity myself a lot, but honestly, I think I'm pretty awesome now and see my comfortablness in my skin as a good thing. I hope you find the peace you are looking for; it will come in time. I promise.