My Journey...

I began using drugs around 12, weed has always been my drug of choice.  That's what  was always available in my house, and because I was taken away and my home life was always so volatile I think that is why I prefered it above everything else it was like home to me to smoke weed.  I didn't get high regularly til i was about 16.  I smoked pot with my foster mom all the time, that's why I chose to live with her mainly because I could do what ever i wanted.  By 18 I had my first child and although I smoked pot recreationally it was not prevalent in my life nor was it around my son.  But then as things often did in my life everything fell apart... I separated from my sons father and moved to MA from NC he followed me up and for 5 months tried to work on me to take him back I refused, I had my own apartment my son was in full time day care and I was the executive assistant to the senior web page designer at a local Internet office.  I was making something of myself and he couldn't stand it.  So one day he told me he was taking my son to daycare for me and would drop me at work but before taking Morgan to daycare he was going to take him to breakfast and spend time with him because he didn't have to be to work until noon.  I had agreed but all that morning he acted funny and we argued the whole way to work, I had a bad feeling, but shook it off b/c he had always promised to never take Morgan from me.  We had a signed custody agreement that was notarized and filed with the court that I had primary custody and he paid me child support.    But what I didn't know was he had lost his job and was losing his apartment and he had been talking to his mother who had convinced him that taking Morgan was his only way and that I would follow him back.  So he took him, drooped me at work and went bk to my apartment broke in and took all of my sons stuff and drove back to NC. 

I lost my world... I never got my son back, because in NC the minor has to live in the new state for at least 6 months and since he was a few weeks shy NC assumed jurisdiction.  In NC who ever has physical custody of the child keeps him until it is decided in court who gets primary custody.  And because I didn't have an apartment where my son had his own room in NC it was decided my son was better off living with his father and his parents.  Even though I had all of that in MA.  I lost everything, my son, my job, my apartment, I had no where to live.  Then I began seeing my first husband whom I had dated in high school while I was in DSS custody.  We had always had a volatile relationship and I had no idea I was entering into one of the most painful phases of my life and I unknowingly catapulted myself in to it by marrying TJ.  TJ was violent and he dealt drugs that was the way it worked, I had a legit job and I gave him all my money.  He controled every aspect of my life and what I did in it, and I was only allowed to do things if he said it was ok.  Being the rebellious type naturally he and I fought like hell, and it would get physical.  At first when he hit me I didn't do anything because I was scared but after the first few times I got pretty damn mad and started giving as good as I got.  And because of him I started doing hard core drugs, it wasn't an option really I had no choice, you did what he wanted or else.  He turned me on to coke, Ecstasy, xanax, and acid and it just took off from there, it was easy for me to lose myself in the drugs, my life was filled with so much pain already... I didn't want to feel anymore.  And when I began to fear for the safety of my son, I stopped getting him for my visits, as much as it killed me to not see him, I couldn't jeopardize him either.  And things got worse.. I finally left TJ after he put a cigarette out in my eye and I knew it was time to go before we killed each other... 

Right after I left i learned I was pregnant, my biological mother offered to help me and I went to NH I had three suitcases and that was it.  I got there got a job, then got another, and I worked my *** off by 6 months pregnant I had my own tiny apartment and I was again doing it on my own.  I was sober and happy, but sad because I missed my son, it was a hole in my chest...  I had my daughter and she was the light of my life but I had to move bk to NC because my sons father (should say his new wife) took me to court for child support.  Even though I sent money and clothes and toys for him they wern't satisfied with that.  I could afford to travel back and forth so I made up my mind to move back there and somehow get my son back... I moved back and everything was ok for a while but again as things often did in my life everything turned to **** real fast.  I was getting to see my son, but he wouldn't call me mom, he said I was not his mother and refused to have much to do with me.  I couldn't take it and so I began to use drugs more, and I feel in love with a meth head, he was a great guy he just used alot of meth and coke.  i loved him but he just didn't want to commit to me.  It broke my heart and I began using more and then enters my daughters father who decided now that she is almost a yr old he is going to be involved.  I refused and we fought like hell and I fell further in and then my father died, whom I really didn't know but it was a shock because he was only 46, but he lived the exact same life I did... And it shocked me, his mother had just died the yr before and that had wounded me, she was so important to me my grandma, right after he died a month later my foster grandma died we found her in her bed, then my sons grandmother approached me and asked me to sign over my rights to my son and I told her to go **** herself.  But she warned me to think carefully, she would take me bk to court and forcefully tk them if I didn't agree.  She told me if I did what she wanted I would get unlimited access to him and they would make sure he knew I was his real mother, if she took me to court I would get nothing.  I knew what it was like going to court with her and I wanted no part of it and at least this way I could secure visitation with my son.  So I agreed and signed the papers and that was it... It was done and I felt like a piece of ****..

Then my grandfather called and told me he had cancer and I refused to believe he would die... I lost my job and was losing my place to live and I knew I could not take care of my daughter, I knew she deserved so much more then me... So I reached out to Julia who use to be my court guardian when in custody, she owned an adoption agency... I new she would have a good family willing to take my beautiful baby girl, I had seen her family's she use to take me with her while I was in custody to do home visits and check on new babies with the families...I didn't realize it then but I do now, she was grooming me... She knew it was statistically high that I would hv a baby young under bad circumstances and there she was waiting to offer these girls a new life..  She took my daughter and sold her illegally they where a nice family but what she did was illegal and I did not know, I trusted her.  I didn't hv family to take her, I didn't want her father to have her. I did not want the state to have her.  By the time I found out what had happened it was to late I was back in NH taking care of my mother and trying to deal with everything and my son's grandmother who had also expressed the desire to hv my daughter found out where she was and told my husband thinking she could use him to get her.  He went to those peoples house and demanded his daughter back then my son's grandmother gave him money to get a lawyer to file charges against Julia.  And Julia gave her to him..  And I lost my mind, then I wanted to die, I knew i didn't deserve to live.  And so i began smoking crack and snorting heroin... I put myself in multiple dangerous situations hoping something would happen and I would get my wish. 

I met a guy he was not like the others, I tried to persuade him to not become attached to me I was a piece of ****, couldn't he see that?? He would not listen..  I found out my grandfather died and my world turned upside down I was beside myself for not keeping in touch with him... And my daughter was constant in my mind.  I began recording my conversations with my ex husband, I began calling DSS and sending them out to his house, and then he cut all communication off and I was spinning out of control..  I got in a car accident on Sept 17 2002 and I did almost die, and I realized that I did not want to... I was pregnant with my youngest son, which I did not know until the accident and I realized this was my last shot.. Do or in fact actually die.. I have been sober since... I went to intense therapy, parenting classes, had nurses come to my house to make sure I was on track.  And through out it all my youngest sons father was there supporting me never letting me push him away no matter how hard I tried.  i went to school became a certified professional coder and began my plan to get my daughter back.  I received a letter in the mail from DSS telling me I needed to contact them, I called and was told that my daughter was now in there custody TJ had been arrested for murder, he had beaten a 14 month old baby to death in front of her....  I went bk to NC and I fought him (TJ) yes he still had rights to her even though he was in jail, I fought his family and I fought DSS for her and I won.  And here we are now.. It has been a long hard road but I am so thankful I made it and that I had my husband to help me.. I wouldn't be here if not for him and his unconditional love and support, him and his family...  This is the short version believe it or not.. lol
angrymom23 angrymom23
31-35, F
Jul 28, 2010