Like Daddy Like Daughter And More

growing up around a chronic alcoholic and calling him dad was an experience. looking up to him and expecting him to show me the way in life how to function whats right and wrong was impossible as i dont think lookin back he even knew himself. reality wasn't something he lived in and thats why he drank. you know trying to escape those hidden demons that weren't so hidden with him. They were vocal and instructive. I remember hearing my mom talkin to people using the word paranoid schizophrenia and not knowing what it meant. i saw it everyday and watched as it mixed like an alcoholic cocktail inside him usually ending in the lighting of an explosive sparkler that began as a decoration on the top of the glass but finally fell into flamable liquid inside. Then the sirens would come, closer and closer, ending in those men in white coat takin my daddy away. The man i loved. The man i looked up to. I remember hating my mom when she left us. But not for the reason you'd expect cause by this time i wasn't a little girl anymore. i hated her for leaving me with my dad cause i was 14, although i felt grown up, acted grown up i was a child still and the reason i stood by my dad was because my mom never had any time for me. My dad was the only adult i had. And then the drinking started. You know my dad and me closer than ever. I'd take care of him and he'd drink so i'd drink. I could escape that way, the more drunk i got the more of realityu dissappeared The reality that i was alone and no matter how much i tried to hold on to this perfect picture of my father being a hero he wasn't and it was never real. the reality came when i gave him a choice. ME OR DRINK. His words were " well its about time you spread your wings and stood on your own 2 feet. it was like he'd just shattered everything i'd protected of him. GONE FOREVER. Thats when my mind stopped and the alcohol took over. i moved on my own at 16 and drank then at 19 my recently ex partner comitted suicide and alcohol didnt cut it anymore and thats where other substances came into play. COCAINE lots of cocaine. i would never go and buy it but if it was there i'd take it and somehow i always ended up with someone who was escaping too. Then the cocaine stopped and legal highs started MEPHEDRONE. Almost my death but physical death wasn't what i was looking for emotional suicide was what i was after. Then when i became homeless and got all the blame for my partners drug use even though he was the one who introduced me to drugs there occured an unexpected twist to my life. For years i'd been battling mental health diagnosis's so they put me in a care home. And you'd never guess but it was here i was introduced to heroin. A ****** care home and as you can expect with my constant drinking and refusing to take the anti-psychotics i became too much of a liability to them ( it was probably the lying on the train tracks for an hour that did it) they evicted me. another year went by of crisis and drama and battles inside my mind constantly until someone took my hand in person and in spirit and led me out of the reality i'd made for myself and showed me reality as it can be. Now i tread one step at a time, live one day at a time and have learnt to appreciate the little things. i'm now gonna have a baby and am with a man i love but am prepared to go it alone should he faulter on his journey as i no longer am controlled by others or substances, feelings, emotions. YES my emotions guide me but they no longer control me. For we are not addicts through wanting to be. We were just never able to experience the other path first. We are not unlucky we are the lucky ones cause we can enjoy the small things in life that others find mundane. Like having a roast dinner or siting on a bus. Having toilet paper or even being inside when its raining. This is my experience and i hope someone can relate but if you've read this thankyou it means a lot to have someone listen to a story that made me who i am today.
phantomzod phantomzod
May 12, 2012