Coping And Moving On With This Disease, How?

Its still hard to articulate exactly what I've done because I feel so awful, guilty, lucky, sad, happy, anxious, you name it, but I'm going to try! I finished detox a week ago today and have been clean for 13 days and it has been the hardest experience of my life. For three and a half years I was using heroin and other opiates, but heroin was my drug of choice. Two years before I started using my mother passed away and I started drinking, smoking, and basically trying anything out so I could get some relief. The unfortunate ironic fact is part of the reason my mother passed away was from alcoholism. I promised myself when she passed I wouldn't succumb to her disease as well, but I did unfortunately.
I was able to function though. I abused drugs and it effected me, but nothing like when I found heroin. I was addicted and fast. The classic story, fall into the wrong crowd etc. Before all this I was a college student on a scholarship with extracurriculars, but that quickly fell by the way side when I started using. Everything stopped except my boyfriend and I using. About eight months into him and I doing this he overdosed and died. His Mom found him not even five minutes before I got to his apartment looking for him. That was a wake-up call for like five months. I was clean until the shock or something wore off, I'm not sure. I started using again. I felt extremely guilty. I was using the drug that killed my boyfriend. His former friends were dropping like flies as well from heroin. It didn't stop me. I isolated myself and just got high. After still using, some failed attempts at doing it myself, one out-patient program I left, and using some more I finally went into detox two weeks ago. I don't want to sound corny so forgive me, but it was the best decision I ever made.
My current boyfriend found my stash and confronted me. He doesn't use, thank god. I denied, denied, denied of course. We fought through it for a week. I thought I could do it on my own. Obviously not. He gave me an ultimatum, get out or go to detox. Now that I'm home, I'm a bit of a miss. I feel like a terrible person for putting him through this. He virtually has a panic attack if I go anywhere, which I understand to a point. I was using for a little over half of our relationship and hid it. Hes having a hard time dealing with this as well. His brother went through almost the exact same thing and passed away about ten years ago. So, after all that, any advice on dealing with this guilt about using and hurting him? Its barely been a month so I'm hoping it goes away, but I'm scared I'll lose him... I feel like I'm stuck in this self loathing rut! Is it the depression they talk about? I've been attempting to research it, but I think its better to hear from people who have been through it instead of WebMD's list of symptoms.
Robins426 Robins426
Dec 8, 2012