What It Feels Like


  what it feels like   i know what it feels like to be driven to the edge of nowhere; and to feel like there is no way out.   i know the pain, suffering, and sickness brought on by the urgency of these moments; to be plagued by darkness and the callings of death.   i ain't mad at you,   'cause i know what it feels like to be robbed of a good nights sleep, searching in desperation for . . . just . . . one . . . more.   hoping, praying, and wishing that this time, surely, it will be unlike the last.   only to find no peace . . . in . . . my . . . heart; and to be robbed of a sound mind.    and, i ain't mad at you,   because, i know what it feels like to be convicted by my own conscience, imprisoned by my own mind;   and to receive a lethal injection of shame, guilt and remorse so strong that i lose the will to go on.   would someone please turn the volume down, i can not bear to hear the sounds in my own head.   know this; i ain't mad at you,   since, i know what it feels like to say "**** everything", and really mean it.   i know what it feels like to pay too high a price, for a short-lived season of pleasure,   only to later learn, that it wasn't worth the price it demanded.   i know what it feels like to live a defeated life, filled with discouragement and destruction;   and, i know what it feels like to be controlled by a seemingly never-ending cycle of despair and madness.   i really ain't mad at you.   the fact is, i love you, and i understand you, because, i am just like you.   hell, i am you - separated only by a little time, a little distance, and one mindless, thoughtless act of rebellion against my new nature.   happy birthday, freedom1906 clean date 01-15-1998   a new character, which has been graced by God's mercy, and restored to the light of the world, by his tender-loving care and kindness.  
Freedom1906 Freedom1906
2 Responses Feb 22, 2009

I too know what it's like to give 100 percent of yourself and to have it thrown away like nothing. They took everything I had in me..plus....and trashed it. He said I do and then he didn't. I never wish what happened to me on anyone...it was painful, debilitating and a long way back to sanity. Keep the faith and do not ever give up or give in.

Freedom1906, the tears smart in my eyes because you hit the nail on MY head..at this very moment, i'm marvelling at the descriptive truth of your words and i definitely don't feel so alone or hopeless as i have too many times before..i actually feel the need to share, and that is not something i've had much courage to do in the past..thank you.