Getting **** Together

I have no idea why I'm up at 3 am on a Saturday morning posting anonymously on a website for everyone to read, but I am.

Let me start by saying I'm 20 and prior to college had never used anything except the occasional drink.

Well...

Two sides of me are fighting each other, and I'm caught right in the middle of it.  My inner addict, the part of me I was born with and will always have, is killing me slowly.  I want so bad to be drunk or just stoned out of my mind.  I want to be able to escape to the world of drugs, where nothing matters apart from the next fix.  Deep down that's when I'm at my happiest: laying in a field of dreams, when all it really is is a back alley, a bathroom, or an abandoned warehouse.

     The other side of me, the recovering side, knows it's wrong and that I can't go back.  The sober side has a comparably ****** argument, but it's the right one.

     The addict is winning.  I want so badly to get something.  I know where and how.  Even just for one more night, I want to sit back and let my worries fall apart.  I used to drink and do drugs all the time.  Every day in fact.  I would either drink alone until I passed out, or smoke or sniff so much to where all I remember is waking up on the bathroom floor hours later.  There are a lot of holes from that time in my life.  I haven't done anything like that in seven months.

     I wound up in the hospital not from an overdose, but from having to deal with reality.  I wanted to kill myself.  The state my life had slipped to was too much for me.  Even though I had been diagnosed with sever depression and anxiety and was urged not to use, I still did.   It took me five months and the death of a family member to make me stop.  All that time I was using around apathetic friends and unknowing family.  It took an accident,a slip on my part for them to find out.  Narcotics Anonymous was eye-opening and overall good for me, but the underlying faith base was hard for me to stomach.  How could a 'caring' higher power have let all that happen?

     I sometimes wish I'd never started using, but my inner addict thinks it was the best thing I could have ever done.

     If a bag of heroin or any other opiate was in front of me right now, I'd do it.  Shoot it, sniff it, pop it.  Same goes for any other drug.  Part of me is stopping me from finding any.  Maybe it's the only part of me that cares.

     I don't blame anyone for turning me on to drugs.  I started myself and stopped myself.  I sometimes wonder if I still should be considered an addict.  After all, I have the desire of one.

Phoenix1988 Phoenix1988
18-21
2 Responses Mar 21, 2009

I definitely know that feeling. It took several months of continuous sobriety to feel as if the recovering part of me could survive. Talking with others in recovery helped me a lot, especially at 2 am.

N.A. is the place to be. Go even if you don't want to, and even if you are still using. "There is only one requirement for membership, the desire to stope using." Listen to the stories and know you are not alone! It just takes putting down the dope for an hour and dragging yourself to a meeting. Commit to one thing at a time, even if it is one meeting, because no addict can tackle the whole world at once. Remember.....just for today. I am 22 and clean today (I am grateful for that) and I am still working on my 2nd step......It may take a day for some and years for others.....