I Really Understand Now..
Everybody has an addiction, and most people have multiple. Human beings are all substance abusers and addicts to a fault. Pick your poison.. coke? ecstacy? sex? food? we're all hooked. and through the whole getting sober process I've really started to understand that it isn't so much about no longer being an addict as it is about choosing the addiction in life that is going to benefit you the most. I'm not talking about traditional addictions like meth or sex but the little things that people overlook as normal human behavior. obsessive exercise, chewing gum, dieting.. whatever, it's there. We're born crying and usually don't shut up until we get something, anything of real substance.. A warm blanket, a bottle, a pacifier. From that moment on we never stop wanting, needing, adoring substance. When a person tends to have issues with over or undereating throughout their life it's incredibly likely that when they cried they god a bottle as a baby and a cookie when they behaved as a child. Everybody thinks it's sweet when a child carries the same blanket around constantly, but does anyone wonder why. There's a reason the term security blanket came to use.
So when it comes to addiction all we really have the power to do is choose one or more substances that won't hurt us as bad and not over do it. For some people, addiction isn't so up front. They don't see the complete and utter need in the way that they deal with food or sex or that bottle of liquor they keep in the cabinet. But for people who have been on the really scary side of line that is addiction it's just starring you in the face. We at best, transfer our addictions until we find one that we can easily hide, that won't hurt us anymore, that we can at least feign control over. like jogging or organizing things in odd yet, somehow comforting ways.
We truely are all just addicts.. but for those of us who walk away from a very serious addiction we are equipped with the ability to see just how full of substance abuse the world really is. How accepted and even admired it is to be lost in the rabbit hole. People look at situations like that as ideal, how poetic, how deep that person must be to have to do that many drugs just to function, what a beautiful disaster. It's just put on so high a pedestool that when you're up there you sometimes believe that you really are on top of the world. But we all know that there's only so much time until that drug wears out of your system or until you run out.. until the dealers asleep and you're stuck in a situation where reality seems like some terrible beast trying to tear you down from the high ground that you stand on. and then there are the hours of coming down, when life is hell again and just breathing makes you hurt everywhere. When suddenly the beautiful world filled with amazing people that you came to know just hours before disappears and you're alone in what seems like hell. Even if you're with 20 people, you're still alone and you're just sure that the only thing that could ever fix the mess that you've become is to do more, get more.. and so once you can again you do.. and you're back on that pedestool if only for a moment. It feels so silly now. How could it possibly have been worth it? How could i have felt so high up when i was really so low? how could WE? and more importantly how can the millions of people who are going through it right now. this very second. Don't they know how much it'll hurt? do they even care? It's not some big secret.. what drugs do to you. so WHY? Are we really that numb?