My Chaotic Life

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. My life has been chaos since the day I was born. For some strange reason, I thrive in chaos. Why? When things are perfectly normal and serene, I have to go and mess it up!!! I can't just be happy. That is for other people. I have partied with the best of them and I have broken many laws and I have never gotten caught. Sometimes I think I like the game of it all. I like the chase. It is no fun to catch what you are chasing. What do you do with it? Oh, I'm supposed to be talking about my recovery. It took me years just to convince myself I truly am an alcoholic and addict. My mind plays games with me. Maybe one day if I do this, and this, and this, then I can use narcotics like a normal person. Or I can have that glass of wine with my dinner. Bullshit!! I can never ever ever have that again. I abused that privelege and I no longer have it. I have to find other ways to cope with the chaos or non-chaos in my life!!!!! 

 

SoberMommy SoberMommy
36-40, F
2 Responses Mar 2, 2010

I am the same way! Chaos, trauma, BS! Than you for posting your story, it really helps to see similar lives having a successful outcome.

I haven't had a drink since 1997. Thank God. I had no control over alcohol, it controlled me.