I'm Starting Over........again

As of this posting I'm starting day 2 of my sobriety. I almost had 4 months and then drank April 21st, 2012. I knew there would be regret but I did it anyway. I've drank 4x. The last was Sunday May 6th, 2012. I moved in with my brother a little over a year ago after getting out of jail. I spent a year in jail for a dui. When I got that last dui in Oct. 2009 I knew I was in trouble, serious trouble with the law. I knew this time I'm doing serious jail time. I was losing all my material items , I lost my apartment, I was living at my cousins house until I sold the rest of my stuff and then drive cross country to move in with my brother and his kids, which I was dreading. Then one night I went out all ready drunk and got even drunker and left the club and got pulled over. I deserved it I'm not saying I didn't. I think if you drive drunk you deserve to get pulled over. It's incredibly dangerous and selfish to put innocent people at risk. When I went to jail I had 4 months of sobriety under my belt, did my time, got out, moved back in with my brother, stayed sober for 4 more months and then May 30th, 2011 I was restless, irritable and discontent and went back to drinking for 7 months. In that 7 months I attempted suicide, a real half-a$$ed suicide. I lost my job the day before Thanksgiving 2011. I went to work drunk and got into it with my boss and told him where he could go and he told me I can go home. It was a crap job but it was a job and I regret the way I acted and now Im unemployed and depressed and think about ending my life. I saw a childhood friend Sunday. I went to his house to play guitar. I was nervous cause its a social thing and I suffer from social anxiety bigtime. My "friend" has always been a real smart-a$$. I thought, ok he's had to have grown outta of it by now most people do, they settle down but not him. He is the exact same as when we were kids. He's critical, arrogant, thinks he's funny but he's just an obnoxious jerk. He intimidates me and part of me hates his guts, I have no plan to hang out with him anymore. When I'm around people like him I feel like a total loser. I know I've accomplished nothing and have nothing but I'm a good person on the inside. I'm honest and I don't stomp on people cause I know what it's like to feel so low that you feel like you don't deserve to breath. I do go to therapy and (IOP) Intensive Outpatient Treatment and AA but I still relapsed. I know I can't blame anyone except myself. I'm still determined to get sober again. I want to get over that mountain. I'm great outta the starting gate and I'm going good but then I start feeling lost and I have a hell of a time connecting with people in AA or really anywhere and then I end up drinking. I'm a true loner. It comes from being bullied as a teenager in school and growing up in an alcoholic family. My whole life I've always felt like a worthless piece of garbage. I must have something strong in me though cause even though I'm down there is a little part of me that says, "But your not dead, not yet" so for today I'm gonna pray, read a little of the Big Book, ask for forgiveness and apply for this job. I'm down but I'm not out, not yet.
KindredEarthWalker KindredEarthWalker
31-35, M
4 Responses May 8, 2012

I've had a few false starts myself, but I'm not willing to give up. The most important thing about relapse is knowing what to do when it happens; pick yourself up and get right back to doing what you should be. Never underestimate what a meeting and communicating with other alcoholics can do for you. Check out http://www.intherooms.com/ Chin up, you can do this.

We have many things in common. I am older than you but I also grew up in an alcoholic home. I also was bullied. I am a loner. I do not trust people. It is hard for me to love people. I love animals though. I have tried to commit suicide 8 times in my life. The last time was two years ago and I was in a coma for a week. I have drank for 30 years. I am bi-polar and I self medicate by drinking as I cannot tolerate any of the meds for my illness. Today is the first day of my sobriety. I start AA on Monday. I wrecked my car and was arrested in 2008. My drivers license was revoked. I lost my job because of the arrest. But I have 20 years at the job so it was called a retirement and I get money each month from the County I retired from so that is ok. I decided to stop drinking because I knew I was going to die soon if I did not. I don't know what it is like to live sober and I am looking forward to it. I know this is not going to be easy but I am determined and I have God on my side and church friends to help me. Hang in there. I will pray for you. I wish you all the luck in the world and God is on your side too.

Why are some people blessed with stability and then theres us?

I had many false starts in AA but after finally being beaten down as low as I could go, What those people kept saying to me started to make sense. Even then I wasn't convinced that I couldn't do it my way, and managed to lose the same job twice once for being drunk and the other for being a sober lunatic. That was when I hit my emotional bottom and threw up my hands and surrendered, just couldn't do it by myself. Got a sponser, followed his suggestions and here I am 24 years later living a pretty good life. No bed of roses but beats hell out my best day drunk. Go back to AA and get a sponser and let those people help. Only group of people I have ever known of that want nothing more then to honestly help you and want nothing in return. Hang in there it is worth all the pain to get to the peace and serenity that comes with being sober.

Thanks, I know the weak link for me is lack of courage to change. Which means asking for help which I am not good at doing but, if I want to change I have to do something different.

QUIT! Quit beating yourself up for falling. What does HOW IT WORKS SAY? Rarely Have we Seen a Person fail who has throughly followed our path. What does step 1 say? We Admitted We,
What i found that helped me when I fell, was change WE to ME or I. When reading the 12-steps. I also put away the hammer I was using on myself when i fell. This last time I went out, i looked at myself in the mirror and said, Do u want.your future to be this way? I heard HELL NO! YOUR PAST SUCKED, YOUR PRESENT ISN'T ALL THAT BAD, BUT YOUR FUTURE WILL REPEAT YOUR PAST IF YOU KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING? So i called a friend of mine from the program, and said,"IM DONE! CAN WE GO HOME? And I came home, I celebrate 7 years in janurary. I know its scarry coming back. But remember, this is a WE program. WE are here for you, WE will not judge you, WE will carry you until you can stand next to us. YOU CAN DO THIS! WE r family!

It does make me happy that you're trying to stay sober again .... all I can suggest is that you continue to get to AA meetings, get a sponsor and do what you're supposed to do ... you WILL change ... and life will get better .... but you must do the work ... no matter how uncomfortable (for now) it makes you feel ....<br />
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I wish you the best ....

Thank you, I went to a meeting tonight and I'm apprehensive but have some hope.