Trying..............

I have been struggling with alcohol for the past 7years... and will be 30yrs old next month. I always knew I drank a lot but felt like I had it under control.. It was always said in jest I could hold my drink I wore that title like it was a badge of honor something to be proud of,
I began experimenting with cider a bunking school at 13 with friends I come from a single parented home and don't ever really pin point or blame my childhood for these issues I have today.

I was a rebel as a teenager I was promiscuous and started stripping by the age of 15 years old and moved to London at the age of 17 with friends where I met my partner who I am still with today, one of my friends ended up with a much older guy who got her hooked on crack cocaine she still struggles with this today and the other married an older guy she is HIV positive and has 2 little girls.

After coming to London I quit dancing by 19 and managed to talk my way into an office job even though I left school with no qualifications. Throughout my period of dancing I done the odd line of coke I did drink but not like I do now.......

Cut a long story short, even though so much has happened along the way I am now an alcoholic and it has near wrecked my relationship with my partner, family. I just don't know where to turn at the moment I don't have any close friends to confide in my partner is the martyr and does not really support me to be honest he's a bully. I got so drunk on new years this year I came home with 1 shoe no phone and shreds torn off my knee.. Then I had a row with my partner, we made up but I carried on drinking through the whole morning and night! I was trying to tell myself I was doing this cause I'd had enough of the drink and that day the 1st of January 2012 would be my last! And you know what? It worked! I stayed sober for a month and half... but it was sooo hard, I recently started my own business and a lot of pressure was involved.. if my partner and I had an argument he would shout go on! go have a drink! crazy right? the person who is meant to be your support is literally pushing you towards the drink. I thought by mid to end of February I could drink again lol..... It started by the sneaky miniature vodka or bottle of wine here and there and before you knew it boom! back to drinking nearly every day! take this week for example... I have started as early as 9am!! and I now like cider... its so embarrassing to deal with this and to be this way.. on the outside I am attractive, young black woman with a lot going for me considering my wild start out in the big world. But I deeply am ashamed most of my family live in the midlands where I was born so its mainly my partners friends and family here... they all know about my drinking problem I feel awful I don't expect pity I do not choose to deliberately go and get bladdered every day its just really hard. I am on this site to share my story maybe make some friends motivate each other and stuff. I can't continue in this manner... I know my relationship with my partner is a major issue and I am planning to leave as he's mentally abusive and has been at times violent towards me. I don't know what the hell is happening but I can't see a good ending with this if I carry on drinking. I black out when I drink at times, I can be arrogant rude and very unpleasant when I have the drink in me I have alienated myself from my family as they think I am wasting my time with my partner friends I do the same with friends sometime as I hate being judged and a lot of people do that with me 80% of my partners friends and family thing I'm crazy lol well that's what he tells me... I know I am not! What I do know is I am an alcoholic and there's a lot I am not happy about and it comes to the fore when I am in drink.... I had an hour conversation with my nan (in drink) for the life of me I cant member what we spoke about. The time is 9:04 and I want a drink... if there was drink in the house I'd be drinking it I know that... I really need to quit....
tisonthego tisonthego
26-30, F
2 Responses May 18, 2012

I fully support what wmkir told you .... find AA meetings in London, surround yourself with female AAs, choose a sponsor and work the program .... after 30 years, I'm still involved with AA in the US .... it saved my life ...<br />
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Wishing you success ....

Thanks for that after 30yrs? That's brilliant :) So it seem 's AA is the way forward....

I'll keep you posted :)

AA in London seems to be very active, and from what I read online there are over 600 meetings in the city. Please call the AA central office for London and ask for a female to give you a call back and she can tell you what it is all about. The one thing that I have learned is that I could not stop drinking on my own. I needed help and AA was my last resort after having tried every other method know to God and man. It has worked for me for 24 years, and I started at about the same age as you and it was a big party for a long time, until the jobs losses started, the wife and kids left and I could not control myself so my drinking had the control and it was horrible. The guilt and shame made me want to kill myself but didn't have the guts to do it. Truly wanted to die rather then face another day living as a drunk. AA has made all the difference in my life, they don't want anything from me except to get better and in turn my getting better helps others in the group. <br />
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Wish you the best

Hello wmkir. thanks for commenting. Just doming on this site has made me motivated to seek proper help rather than self medicate with drink..
I didn't realise I was that bad until I got to the stages where I'd wake up with no recollection of how I got home, missing handbags, shoes.... phone you name it. And yes the shame of not being able to remember what happened or going through my phone to look for drunken text or calls basically trying to piece together what happened the night before by my mobile phone as I was to ashamed to call friends and find out what happened... Thats where I am today... I know I am not living right now just existing in a lonely world of alcoholism.
Thanks for your encouragement :)