A Work In Progress

I have always been a problem drinker. Even though I have gone through long periods without a drink, my tendancy is to binge drink to the point of blacking out when I do. I was involved in a car accident a few years back and suffered PTSD and whiplash as a result. I self medicated with alcohol without appreciating the dangers of such behaviour. I have been a bartender for 5 years and drinking after my shift with the locals was encouraged and made up the bulk of my social life. This time last year I would drink up to 4 bottles of Johnnie Walker a week and was rarely sober. I have a DUI on my record and am sure I have a reputation as a drunk. There is no mistaking that my alcoholic ways were unsustainable and detrimental to my health. If I had kept it up I think I would've ended up hurting myself, or worse someone I loved.
Since January I have been unable to drink much because I am taking morphine for sciatica. The most I drink is maybe 2 drinks a week. This is the longest I've gone without getting pissed in maybe 7 years. So far I've lost 15 kgs and my complexion, eyes, hair have improved markedly. The biggest difference is how clear minded I am becoming. I am able to process past traumas that I had previously tried to ignore, my relationship with my kids and partner are more balanced and my memory is improving. I can't see myself ever going back to my old ways, but I have to say I'm scared. I know how much alcohol has the ability to take over my life. Am unsure whether I should abstain from it totally or continue with the occasional drink.
I've lost all my friends and am no longer a bartender, all I have left are my kids and boyfriend. My family mean the world to me but I also need a life outside these four walls. When I do return to society I think I will join a gym to attract healthy people leading healthy lifestyles.
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May 21, 2012