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I Denied My Disease For 10 Years...

And now I'm going on five months clean and somewhat sober.

It took a move from one end of the world to another. A traumatic event times two. And two months of soul searching to get me to where I am now and I've still a long way to go. There's no doubt about that.

My journey started a long time ago. I just didn't realise it. I just thought it started when I tried to kill myself because I couldn't bear the thought of a life without drink. It was a happy time in my life, how can one contemplate suicide when they are happy, don't ask me. I just wanted to sleep and forget the rest of the bad things, sleep and never wake up.

But I did wake up, in hospital and later on, in rehab. I didn't even consider myself an alcoholic even then. I was still in denial. It was three days in when I really admitted I was powerless. When I truly gave in. When I truly accepted my reality.

I had two months in rehab. My first experience and boy was it something else. Different users, different levels, different stories. All fighting addiction. All losing control. All trying to get their lives back in order.

I came back home frightened. Scared of myself and what I can do. Scared of my habit of giving up and just falling back to booze and the occasional drug use. I still had my counsellor here. He still guided me to meetings and group, and that saved me in a sense. I had a stable environment that helped me adjust to my new life. It was a new life indeed. I was so reliant on the bottle. I always ran to it and now I didn't have it. I had only me and group and people to run to and I wasn't used to that.

Ten years I was alone with a bottle and now I'm sharing some part of me here. Why? I am a recovering alcoholic. I fear relapse as I know I am capable of doing it, but capable of avoiding it as well. We're not alone. We can always ask for help, right. And there are different ways. If this can help than I'll take it. And if I can give back in any way, I will.
CharlieDell33 CharlieDell33 31-35 4 Responses Sep 8, 2012

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I didn't deny the fact that I was an alcoholic, I denied the fact that I was miserable in my own skin.

I have to 'like' this on facebook? ‘Well I don't like that or this’ your story… I love! I know hons how u feel, I am you! We are all us no matter who you are we all have @least one addiction to own & must claim……….blame~
We are fragile; I know we thought we were tough but when I was told that by a AAA councilor I had to take a hard look at that one & submit the truth about it. I wasn’t so hard that I had all these walls to get through, I needed someone to trust to take my hand & guide me, that is all I ever wanted/needed the truth! I believed that angels would whisk me away b/c I was special, I admitted I was defeated! I wasn’t court ordered like the rest, I will walk the walk alone…w/God & his angles….they will know I am a myrtle…

I found out I was NOT, am just like all the other injured people & I would of eventually be ordered or the other few possibility’s would offer me another option & dead end nowhere! Shame is my friend now, no more bottle; goodbye my frienenemy . I also was separated from my old ‘friendenemys when I got clean, started healing They had no use for me anymore, not many stood by this new kid in town~; ~)-, ‘yeah, people/places & things’ ~PPP~

I always dismantled everything to find out what it really was, this is another thing I had to ***** down & stand naked in front of the truth & wear. I accept that I was a child hostage of my own disease & needed a guide to take out of the dark & into the light of truth. I said I’d be the 10th one, 1 out 10 make it, I did for 5yrs...went back for a visit w/my old ‘freinenemy’ (alcohol & pillinme) & so far never went back. I did the fellowship/rehab thing took the tools offered me & here I am, telling you all that you too can do this thing!

Call on him whenever you separate the peace that God/Creator is, fear not… the light of God/Creator is with you all~Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ~

Sincerely your spiritual friend in healing, Me*

How u feel, I am you! We are all us no matter who you are we all have @least one addiction to own & must claim……….blame~
We are fragile, I know we thought we were tough but when I was told that by a AAA councilor I had to take a hard look at that one & submit the truth about it. I wasn’t so hard that I had all these walls to get through, I needed someone to trust to take my hand & guide me, that is all I ever wanted/needed the truth! I believed that angels would whisk me away b/c I was special, I admitted I was defeated! I wasn’t court ordered like the rest, I will walk the walk alone…w/God & his angles….they will know I am a myrtle…

I found out I was NOT, am just like all the other injured people & I would of eventually be ordered or the other few possibility’s would offer me another option & dead end nowhere! Shame is my friend now, no more bottle; goodbye my frienenemy . I also had separated my old ‘friendenemy when I got clean & well. They had no use for me anymore, not many stood by this new kid in town~.

I always dismantled everything to find out what it really was, this is another thing I had to ***** down & stand naked in front of the truth & wear. I accept that I was a child hostage of my own disease & needed a guide to take out of the dark & into the light of truth. I said I’d be the 10th one>>1 out 10 make it they told me, I did for 5yrs..went back for a visit w/my old freinenemy & so far never went back. I did the fellowship/rehab thing took the tools offered me & here I am, telling you all that you too can do this thing! Bring back your honest little child inside who only knew truth as it truley is, he/she will guide us back to it & we will take thier hand & guide them back w/us...& our new fearless brave healing future!

Call on him whenever you separate the peace that God/Creator is, fear not… the light of God/Creator is with you all~Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ~

Sincerely your spiritual friend in healing, Me*

Well done on your 5 months sober :-) Your story is inspiring and good to hear

Congrats on your five months !!! ..... Seeking recovery after 10 years quite possibly saved you another 10 years ... or maybe 20 .... of misery and desperation. As you know, our meeting rooms are full of people who totally get you and they understand how difficult early sobriety is .... it's not our normal inclination to ask for help but asking is one of changes that is necessary for us to live ..... give what has been so freely given .... ODAAT, my friend