I Denied My Disease For 10 Years...And now I'm going on five months clean and somewhat sober.
It took a move from one end of the world to another. A traumatic event times two. And two months of soul searching to get me to where I am now and I've still a long way to go. There's no doubt about that.
My journey started a long time ago. I just didn't realise it. I just thought it started when I tried to kill myself because I couldn't bear the thought of a life without drink. It was a happy time in my life, how can one contemplate suicide when they are happy, don't ask me. I just wanted to sleep and forget the rest of the bad things, sleep and never wake up.
But I did wake up, in hospital and later on, in rehab. I didn't even consider myself an alcoholic even then. I was still in denial. It was three days in when I really admitted I was powerless. When I truly gave in. When I truly accepted my reality.
I had two months in rehab. My first experience and boy was it something else. Different users, different levels, different stories. All fighting addiction. All losing control. All trying to get their lives back in order.
I came back home frightened. Scared of myself and what I can do. Scared of my habit of giving up and just falling back to booze and the occasional drug use. I still had my counsellor here. He still guided me to meetings and group, and that saved me in a sense. I had a stable environment that helped me adjust to my new life. It was a new life indeed. I was so reliant on the bottle. I always ran to it and now I didn't have it. I had only me and group and people to run to and I wasn't used to that.
Ten years I was alone with a bottle and now I'm sharing some part of me here. Why? I am a recovering alcoholic. I fear relapse as I know I am capable of doing it, but capable of avoiding it as well. We're not alone. We can always ask for help, right. And there are different ways. If this can help than I'll take it. And if I can give back in any way, I will.