Well - I'm Not Sure I've Recovered Yet But Here Goes...

On August 3rd I got my second DUI and landed in jail with a 90 day sentence in which I had to serve 53 days. I have been sober since August 3rd BECAUSE and only BECAUSE I was in jail. I got out today.

I also had to serve (concurrently) a 30 day sentence for revocation of my probation from my first DUI.

On August 4th I knew I never ever, ever, EVER could drink again.

Prior to that I knew I had a problem and openly, even aggressively, admitted I did - however I didn't stop drinking and I didn't want to. I think I am what they call a binge drinker - because I can go months without having a drink but when I drink I drink a lot and I drink out of control. But I'm not one of those people who "need" (for lack of a better word) to drink every day and when I wasn't drinking I wasn't missing it. I'm not sure that makes sense but it's the best I can do to explain it...

Today - today I miss it. Maybe I miss it simply because I can't have it. But today - this day - this day that I got out of jail - I really want a drink and I really miss it and I'm really pissed off that I can't have a drink. But today I didn't drink - and it was really hard to not drink.

I got home from jail at 830 this morning and I hung out with my mom. My boyfriend - who is a truck driver and who wasn't expected to come home until Friday managed to come home for a few hours today so I hung out with him too. That was a wonderful surprise, by the way. By 5 PM tonight he was gone and mom went to work and I was alone with a cabinet full of alcohol. While I was busy hanging out with my loved ones and doing some errands and chores I was thinking about how when they left and when I was alone I could sneak a drink. I was planning on it. I'd be alone and no one would be around...no one would know. Because just as I know I can never have another drink so do they know that I can never have another drink. They do not want me to drink ever again either, but how the hell would they know if they weren't here to see me do it?

When I was in jail I was allowed to attend AA meetings once a week. The ladies who came to chair our AA meetings gave me their phone numbers and told me to give them a call when I got out. A little after 5 PM I called one of the ladies with the excuse that I needed to confirm the information for the 7 PM meeting tonight. But really I called her because if I didn't "confirm" those details I would pour me a bevie. We only spoke for 2 minutes but I believe those two minutes are what got me through the next 2 hours.

After I hung up I did busy work...some dishes, some laundry, started a letter to one of the girls I was in jail with, smoked some cigarettes, drank a lot of water, scrubbed the tub and then I walked to the meeting 2 blocks away. I am fortunate enough that tonight's meeting was only two blocks away and that the meetings for the next 2 nights are only a half a block away from my house because I can not drive. My license is revoked and will be for a year. Next week I will get my ignition interlock installed and will be able to drive as long as I am sober.

After tonight's meeting, when I was home - alone again - I STILL wanted a drink. But I kept busy again...I wrote some more to my friend in jail and I checked my Facebook and my email. I smoked some more cigarettes (eventually those are going to have to go too but I'm weak as hell and I can only handle one morbid addiction at a time) and then my mom's boyfriend (I sometimes refer to him as my stepdad because he's awesome and well it's just easier to say than Mom's boyfriend) came home from his 4 day fishing trip. I took advantage of being able to help him put his stuff away...anything to keep me from pouring that vodka and cranberry. Then mom came home and we had a nice talk - she's beyond supportive of me not drinking and she asked me how I was doing. I can tell mom anything and so I told her I was really struggling and I told her all the stupid **** I was doing to keep myself from drinking. She listened and said she was glad I made it through the day.

Mom and her boyfriend went to bed --- and I STILL want a drink. Instead of drinking I came here and shared my story for today. My sleeping pills are kicking in and it's safe to assume that I will get off this computer and go to sleep and tomorrow I will wake up and be able to say I made it through my first "real" day of sobriety...

And then I will struggle through tomorrow and hopefully I will make it. But today - this day - this day that I got out of jail - I DID make it and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

My name is Molly and I'm an alcoholic.

Goodnight and thanks for listening...
MollyB1972 MollyB1972
36-40, F
4 Responses Sep 23, 2012

Thank you for sharing that Molly, its not easy trust me, but one day does become a week and a week becomes a month. I too am an alcoholic, have tried suicide more than once, now low is that? But each minute of each day I want and need a drink, lots of booze, but it has become easier a little as the time goes by. I have been dry now 3 years and 20 days and cannot be sure that today I will not have a drink. Use whatever support you can get or need, it is worth it. May your Supreme Power be always at your side

Cowgirl gave you some very sound advice. We just quit for today not forever and that concept has worked for millions of us. We have all been where you are at and it is not any fun. Hurts like hell and the mental pain is the worst, but I can assure you if you listen to what Cowgirl suggested, with one more thing you can make it with the help of the people in AA. Try and find a lady to be your temporary sponser who has been around for awhile and is working her program, not forever but someone to help you through the tough times and to explain how the program works. Good luck and it is just for today

Thank you!

Hi Kathy. Thank you for your comment, your suggestions and sharing. I have a feeling, for awhile at least, that I'll be coming here to "talk" sometimes because it's one more thing I can do - something else to occupy my mind - that ISN'T drinking. Thanks so much! :)

Good for you Molly. It would be easier to not think about never, ever having another drink. Just take it one day at a time. That was my salvation. I don't need to think about never having another drink, I just need to get through today. Anyone can go a day without a drink right. Another thing that really helped me was to get involved with the group. Go early, and help setup, make coffee, and just help out, then stay late, and help clean up the meeting room.

Good luck to you. Don;t drink between meetings, and go to 90 meetings in 90 days.
My name is Kathy and I am an alcoholic, sober since April12, 1994.