I Am a Recovering Alcoholic
I have joined many circles in health and wellness, specifically in those that concern themselves with alcoholism and depression. I have written many stories that I hope help other people realize that we are not alone in our journeys. I have accepted the friendship of the few who understand my pain. I have made a few confidantes along the way. These confidantes are always there to lend an ear, and basically tell me that everything is going to be ok. And here I am again with another story. I'd love to be the one to say A-HA---Im just fine now, thank you all very much. But this story is as real as all of my previous ones. Those of you who have read my stories know me pretty well. The rest of you can always just read my profile. And so I shall begin.
I wrote a story yesterday called Just One. I think that was a sorta turning point in my sobriety as well as the generalized depression I have been experiencing of late. By yesterday afternoon..I wanted a drink....real bad. And I gave myself the go ahead to do so. I have had a pint of absolut hidden in my basement for a while now. And this time damn it I wasnt going to let ANYTHING stop me from drinking it. The old: just drink it and get it over with, then I can start my life fresh. My head kept telling me to go for it, I have nothing to lose. My heart told me otherwise. I cried all day long with the struggle I was facing. A drink would have certainly taken care of any doubts in my mind. But I started to get tired of being tired, sick of being sick. I realized that the bottle wasnt the only thing I was hiding. I was hiding from myself. It didnt matter that I have people in my life cause I didnt want them. They werent helping. Going back to AA and having people tell their horror stories, telling me not to pick up a drink...well its not really an option for me for reasons I really dont understand. {so people dont tell me to go back} Yesterday I sat in my bosses office and had a complete breakdown of sorts. I needed to take an afternoon off from work to see my counselor and previous experiences told me to just forget it and shut up. But I didnt. Instead I got the courage up to ask for time off. And I completely lost it...my heart poured out much of what I have been feeling, thinking, and even my grand scheme of drinking to make it all go away. I cried and told her I wanted to drink. I gave her reasons why I wanted to drink. I didnt want to do this. I cant afford to lose my job over my mental instability. But I didnt and I wont. She was surprisingly concerned...overly concerned..ready for gossip, about my health and wellbeing, giving me her home phone number if I needed to talk to her. Course I wont do that. Shes not exactly my friend and as a boss, I refuse to air all of my laundry out. Nothing personal but she really means nothing personal to me. She has the jist of whats going on and I am content knowing that when I feel the need to see my counselor all I have to do is do it, no explanation required. On my short ride home I was astounded at myself for thinking I could tell her as well as hundreds of EP members what is happening with me, but hold back from my husband. And it was that moment, still in tears that I said I cannot be selfish, that if I wanted to see that this life is worth living, than I had to share with my husband my mental instability. When I got home I took my happy bottle and shoved it in my bag. I knew in my heart when to tell him, as soon as possible. I knew the why, in order to get through my life with as many life lines as possible. It was just the matter of how to tell him. We were on a drive to my moms house for her birthday dinner. I was reeling from the thought that she is getting old..at 77, and yeah, its scary knowing someone you love so damn much wont be around forever. I took out my phone in search of private mail from one of my EP close friends. I was asked what I was doing and told him. From out of no where in my head, I asked him if he wanted to hear a few stories that Ive written. And the man was all ears. Course I started out reading the least mind blowing stuff about the love for the beach or about running. But it came out of my mouth so quick when I told him to pull over so I could read him my latest story about Only One. It hurt to read it, to bear my soul, to let him know his wife is still really ****** up. He was listening. He was very quiet. When I pulled my bottle out, he went pale and tried to take my so called friend away from me. I know he was scared. And I said no. I was being a very self less yet selfish person. That what I was about to do was confirm in my head the fact that I am accountable to many people. To my health care workers, to my friends who like my company, but mostly I am accountable for myself, for my own actions. In the pouring rain, I got out of the car and threw the bottle against a rock shattering it in all directions. This dd not feel good. I didnt have the Ok now Im ok thinking. My husband knows that it was harder for me to finally open up to him than to smash the bottle, cause its easy enough to replace the bottle, but not so easy replacing the life I have. And to think how willingly I have been lately in physically giving it all away thinking things just arent going to be ok. Im glad knowing that in that way I am a coward and self less. Otherwise I would not be here sharing yet another story. Anyway, we did go to dinner with my mom. I ate for the first time in many. I smiled at my mom when she opened up her gift. I hitched my breathing throughout the night, not letting the flood gates open being in an inappropriat location in the restraunt. But when we got home and I went to bed, my husband followed me and hugged me..told you guys hugs mean everything. He held me and said everything is going to be ok. Not something I like hearing because of my lack of belief. But as he held me he shed tears, and told me he's scared. Well how do you think I feel. Im scared to death. But I know now that things may not be okay, and theyre certainly not, but now Ive got some hope that they can be. Hope is something Ive lost. I know it is going to take a hell of alot of work to walk those few steps between sanity and insanity. But I realize now that I dont need to get better, I certainly dont have to get better. But that I want to get better. And Im ready to fight consciously on a daily basis to get me more towards the center of the see saw. I can see these days ahead and I dread them because I thought I had done all the work in the past to no avail. But Im proven wrong, again and again. As I said before, I have to start believing that all this is not something I need....alcohol can fix that, not something I have to do...I can be real selfish and say **** you all, but something I want. I emailed my counselor last night crying like a baby telling her I was ready to fight. She offered me an endless supply of tissue, but she offered me more than that, she offered to be there to help me on this stinking journey. Ive written a story on positive affirmations. And I need to just...do, not just say. And I need to remind myself on a moment to moment basis the basic things I can do by myself to help me in this journey...to eat so I have the energy to fight, shower so I dont look as I feel, ragged, unclean, just that ugh factor looking in the mirror. My counselor believes that once these things are done everything will fall in place. We know better dont we guys. It doesnt work that way with people like us. And it wont happen unless I give more than I feel I have. And that is soooo hard. But I will give it my all, rise up from the dead, and try.....really try to keep some balance in my life. That one step forward, two steps back will remain with me for the rest of my life but Im ok with that now. I will never "get there" but I can move forward little by slow until Im ready to live with myself and have those around me be able to live with me. I just need to be reminded, sometimes daily, on what to do and how to do it..But, Im selfish now and will ask people in my life duh, help,what do I do next.... and thats not a bad thing if it helps me live a better, more balanced life. There are things Ive done in the past that have made the balance easier...swimming, biking, running...laughing. All of this is possible again. I just need help in getting my Mojo back. All in time people, all in time.
This story I have just written does not say I am ok. This story just says that I am ready now to get help that has been offered to me in the past. Course medication is part of the deal too and I am going to consciously fight this battle until I find the right medicaiton for me. But Im not going to stop looking cause I really do believe theres something out there thats going to help fix me..This story is a confirmation that things may not be good but they can certainly be better. But its not going to get better if I dont try. Its not going to get better by itself. I need to put myself first in the equation and work from there. I even give myself a bit of hope, a bit of belief that I am going to be ok in this imperfect world I live in, in my head.
I hope those of you who read this read my other stories. They are raw stories of my feelings, thoughts, and ideas. Of my life as it is and as I see it. I share these with you to help you all know that youre not alone. But I also write them with me in mind confirming my existence or lack thereof. And even with this story, this is not an end, but perhaps a beginning. I do hope youve all gotten what you needed for yourself in these words. My journey never ends, and I will continue to share on EP my journey for those of you who want to listen. A personal thank you to those who know who you are in helping me see things in a different way. And to all you other people, thank you for sharing your stories of your struggles, and in reading mine, The responses from you guys have helped me gianormously in getting to where I am now.
I wrote a story yesterday called Just One. I think that was a sorta turning point in my sobriety as well as the generalized depression I have been experiencing of late. By yesterday afternoon..I wanted a drink....real bad. And I gave myself the go ahead to do so. I have had a pint of absolut hidden in my ba
This story I have just written does not say I am ok. This story just says that I am ready now to get help that has been offered to me in the past. Course medication is part of the deal too and I am going to consciously fight this battle until I find the right medicaiton for me. But Im not going to stop looking cause I really do believe theres something out there thats going to help fix me..This story is a confirmation that things may not be good but they can certainly be better. But its not going to get better if I dont try. Its not going to get better by itself. I need to put myself first in the equation and work from there. I even give myself a bit of hope, a bit of belief that I am going to be ok in this imperfect world I live in, in my head.
I hope those of you who read this read my other stories. They are raw stories of my feelings, thoughts, and ideas. Of my life as it is and as I see it. I share these with you to help you all know that youre not alone. But I also write them with me in mind confirming my existence or lack thereof. And even with this story, this is not an end, but perhaps a beginning. I do hope youve all gotten what you needed for yourself in these words. My journey never ends, and I will continue to share on EP my journey for those of you who want to listen. A personal thank you to those who know who you are in helping me see things in a different way. And to all you other people, thank you for sharing your stories of your struggles, and in reading mine, The responses from you guys have helped me gianormously in getting to where I am now.
By:
ilove2tri
Age:
51-55
,
Female
