New Life

I was putting my coat on while watching Kerrang music channel. It was the 8th March 2007. I was being hurried and a video of 'MCR', 'I Don't Love You' came on, I hadn't seen it before and it made me stop in my tracks. I thought "Wow, doesn't Gerard look amazing" he was a former alcoholic and he was looking better now than I'd ever seen him.
For the next two days it was going around and around in my head how awful I looked and I decided that if he could do it so could I.
On the 11th of March 2007 was the first day of my new life without alcohol.
I was really depressed and didn't know what to do with myself. I had been drinking for 12 years and I suffered from depression anyway. My doctor put me on new anti depressants and medication to help me stay off the drink. I started drawing a lot so I could do something with my hands.
I managed six weeks with the help of a weekly councilor and my meds and a hell of a lot of will power.
I was navigating in a rally and while we were waiting for the cars to go out I met another alcoholic who was locally going to AA groups near me and the following Monday I went to my first AA meeting. I had gone six weeks without really wanting a drink but after this evening I would of committed murder for a drink. She told me this was normal until I got into the swing of things, so I carried on seeing my alcohol councilor and going to the AA meetings. After only three weeks of meetings I could cope no more. They were nice people who just wanted to sit around complaining how bad their lives were without the alcohol instead of looking to the future. I stopped going to the AA meetings as I knew that if I continued to go I would be back drinking in no time at all. Also they tried to drum the fact into me that if I touched the demon drink I was a flat out failure.
I managed for six weeks before I went to their silly meetings and I could do it again, even though due to other circumstances my alcohol councilor discharged me as we were under the impression I was getting a new key worker anyway.
Its been just over seven calender months and I still haven't had a drink of alcohol, through my choice.

I believe a recovering alcoholic is a person who has got their drinking back under control and if they please, can drink responsibly, without using it as a crutch to life, not denying themselves something that they obviously enjoyed at some point. I don't feel like I'm ready to put myself in that position yet, but I will never say I will never drink again, I just want to say that I never need to drink again.

My drawings of the person who gave me my life back.

amigoodenough amigoodenough
36-40, F
18 Responses Oct 13, 2007

It's interesting read where people are at. The only thing I know right now is I can't drink. I love it to much. My journey begins!

Thank you for your comment. I totally agree with you, it is a behavior we can change and I have changed.<br />
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Its been well over two years now since my life was engulfed with alcohol but I can also say that I went to a presentation evening a few months ago and enjoyed a glass of wine. It didn't make me feel like I wanted to rush out and start drinking again, it didn't make me feel like I was a failure because I'd had a drink, it was nice to fit in with 'normal' people and enjoy myself. I have changed my behavior to back before my life was all about drinking and its one thing I am really proud of.<br />
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I still except the fact that its very easy to slip back down down the slope, but at the moment its all under control. I haven't had a drink since, but I'm never going to say never again.<br />
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I know the AA members won't see this as I do, so you don't need to leave me comments on how YOU think I'm a failure. <br />
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Choosing your own way of coping and healing is never wrong, everyone has that strength deep inside.

Hi, I just found this and I am very very happy to see this.<br />
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I also was in AA, for 3 months. I threw myself into it and became a complete zealot- I don't even know who I became. But I realized that the way I was living before AA wasn't me, and that in AA I became somebody else I did not know. When I started to question it, my 'friends' considered me a threat to myself and their sobriety. I decided to leave, and it was frightening.<br />
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To tell anyone that their way is the ONLY way, is just wrong, and telling somebody that if you do not practice this way of life you will die is awful!<br />
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I agree that whatever works for you works- I also believe that alcoholism is a behavior which you can change- you learned how to drink that way and you can unlearn. You can also learn how to moderate, many people do. If AA works for you then great, I am just a believer in choices- and there are many!<br />
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Anyways congrats on changing your life for the better, it is not easy, but you are proof it can be done.<br />
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I also left AA in 2007, but it's crazy that experience really made an impression on me, and I am glad to see that you also got through it, you have a lot of strength I can see :)

Great post! You just wrote down the words I couldn't get out myself. I feel the same way, my friend.

I'm so glad that there is other people out there who think like me, thank you 'northernwoodsgirl' your comment is greatly appreciated, much respect to you!

i think you are almost more brave to say what you really think about AA than to actually quit drinking!!! i am a bad drinker- admittedly- but i went through AA a few years ago and was freaked out by the cultlikeness of the whole thing! the chanting at the end, and the repeated phrases that everyone says instead of actually saying SOMETHING (some were even repeated in an earlier reply)! i respect you for wanting to change your life on your own, w/o the cult, and for looking toward your future!!!

Unless your in a small community there are meetings everywhere to go to. I am fortunate to live near Chicago so there are a ton of meetings. I dont go anymore to AA to compare myself right out the door. I go to work on my thinking. I dont have a drinking problem anymore. I still think like an alkie sometimes and its the repetiton of the steps and helping others that keeps me from thinking I could ever control alcohol again. I tried every drug available to us to stop or try and curb it none of that worked. Once I was in enough pain and tired of being sick and riddled with fear and anxiety I was able to finally surrender. AA does not make me weak with the steps, it has made me a much more productive member of the human race.

The Sinclair Method by taking Naltrexone and Campral for alcoholism and insomnia looks promising. <br />
I'm looking to try to help my husband..and running out of ideas. He also hates AA, AND DOESN'T LIKE HEARING THE COMPLAINING THEY DO. It has made him want to drink. Which is very hard for many to understand. Thanks for your view on things.

That's why you've got to hate them to get them away, before you kill them would be nice. You're sanity, or there sanity. <br />
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My husband just got on Effexor five weeks ago and has been sober five weeks. He also doesn't like AA, BECAUSE IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF PEOPLE COMPLAINING ABOUT THERE LIFE'S, as he puts it. And it has made him want to drink after being sober for weeks at a time before. Thanks for your post. I guess it gave me some hope that maybe he can do it without AA. I'm not sure I'm so ready to find out....I'd rather it be over and he knows this. Could this really be enough... telling him he's going to get papers served within a week if he can't get sober?

But if you love someone you'll pick up those pieces, if you want to or not, if its good for them or not, if its good for you or not. Sad huh!

It does not help anyone to pick up the pieces after an alcoholic

That is so sad, I do hope somewhere out there he is safe and hopefully finding some help. Its never a problem till you feel like you've lost control, it all depends when that happens.<br />
No one can force help on anyone no matter what the problem is, we just have to be there for our friends, pick up the pieces till they see that the drink is ruining their lives. There is NOTHING else we can do.

If AA works for someone then they are not wasting their time. I just hope everyone can find sobriety in which ever way they can and don't be disadvantaged or disillusioned by the AA.

Fallen Princess congrats on your sobriety. I know how tough 7 months can be. I myself got sober at 19 and its been a somewhat rocky road to happy destiny these past 19 years of sobriety. All I say is Keep it Simple and One Day At A Time. AA has been a godsend for me throughout my life.

I have had another 'run in' with the AA. After that it could of easily turned me back to the drink, its just a good job I'm stronger than the AA member thought I was. The AA in my view is a brainwashing cult that serves no actual good to anyone unless they want to be a sheep and play follow my leader. I'm disgusted in the 12 steps. If I don't have a higher power I'm a failure according the AA member who decided he was sponsoring me like it or not.<br />
I'M MY OWN HIGHER POWER, I'M A GODDESS, I'M NUMBER ONE and I'm still not drinking because I have found a new faith within myself to now be strong enough not to lean on alcohol or the depressing brainwashing AA. <br />
Don't tell me millions of people can't be wrong. Millions of people smoke does that make it right.<br />
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People who give up alcohol should be given an informed choice about other methods aswell as the AA cult.<br />
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I so agree.. AA makes me want to drink!!! its like so self indulgent

I believe everyone has a different idea about everything we do. If we are told to do the same as everyone else and we do it, then aren't we just sheep?<br />
I don't know if I will ever be able to drink 'responsibly' again. I'm certainly not ready to find out either. <br />
There is definitely a massive difference between someone who calls themselves an alcoholic 20 years after never drinking and someone who can start to put the past behind them and call themselves a recovering or recovered alcoholic.<br />
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"If we had breast cancer and we were lucky enough to be cured, do we still say we 'have' breast cancer and spend every minuet of the day worrying about it or do we say we 'had' breast cancer and we are getting on with our lives."<br />
"If we were unlucky enough to become dependent on cocaine, go through rehab, get our life sorted out, get a good job, fantastic car, get married, have 2.2 kids and a beautiful home, are we still a cocaine addict???"<br />
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I think Darlene needs to start looking into a beautiful future instead of living in her alcoholic past. I think you need the luck more than me.

You may want to reconsider you opinion on what an alcoholic is. If you can drink successfully then you are not an alcoholic. And cheers to you it this is the case. All alcoholics, myself included, would become a retched mess if we drank again. Good luck to you.