20 Years

On December 3, 2009 I celebrated 20 years being clean & sober.  Actually I really didn't celebrate, except for bringing a cake to a meeting.   The funny thing was, I was just so relieved I made it!   I know I have never really "made it", and in fact the longer I stay sober the more it becomes real to me that I am an alcoholic.   Maybe it's the dreams about drinking, or being around booze and wanting to drink.  Or having or smoking pot - I was a daily smoker for over 10 year and I often dream about having it and keeping it somewhere "just in case" I decide I want to get high.

 

And there's something else.  I don't know how to put this so that it won't sound negative but it's this sense that there is something wrong with me, that I will never be "normal" or feel like I am -- and I am different in some way.    And you know the fact of the matter is I am, because I have this disease that will kill me if it gets the chance.  There is this darkness in me somewhere; some people call it the Snake.  Or as in drug addiction the Monkey.   It's not like I want to drink or get high, at least consciously I don't.   I guess it's that this is really and truly a fatal disease.   I wish I thought of it that way more often and then I would be more grateful for being alive and for all the blessing of life I have, instead of being depressed about what I don't have.

 

Those darn expectations!!  I really expected my life to be different.  But for the most part the light drives out that darkness, that light that is my higher power -- which I don't understand.  But I am absolutely sure that my higher power loves me.  I can't always feel it but I know it. 

These are just a few musings from my sober mind!  The most valuable gifts i have been given in recovery are:  the ability to grow, and change, and to learn from my mistakes.   Another, more recent one is being able to notice and appreciate the small things in life - a child's smile,  a warm breeze, beautiful music......  yes, I could appreciate things like that when I first got sober, but it seems like it's at a deeper level.    Oh, and also, i am able to sometimes be creative now, and to appreciate the arts in a way I never did before.

 

I sure hope I will be able to report on what the next 20 years of sobriety are like.

Rooanne Rooanne
56-60, F
5 Responses Mar 15, 2010

Thank you both! It IS a mircale.<br />
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AllAboutLaffs - I know what you mean. I was distracted by a lot of other things, then lately need time to myself, and am trying to get back into working with people more. But I never stopped going to meetings.

Congrats for the 20 years of daily miracles,Rooanne.Thank you for staying clean n showing me the way.Love n Hugs

Thank you both for your comments, and I hope you will be as OK as someone can be with this disease. It is not easy, drunk or sober. Personally I prefer sober but I know it's not that simple.<br />
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Sockford, the courts making people go to AA is a bad idea, I think, although some people do get sober because of it. It has to be a personal choice. Also AA is not the only way to stay sober but I don't know much about the other groups/methods. <br />
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It's funny you mention young people - because I spent about 9 years working with them! And I still try to help young people whenver I can & hope to get more involved again one day. That said, age doesn't have anything to do with being ready to sober up. You just never know! Anyway feel free to let me konw if you want to chat.

I'm happy to hear it. I still drink, and have no intention of quitting, and yes, I know AA. I got four years of forced labor through there, court judgements. No, it wasn't that bad, looking back. Not that I have any kind of desire to go back, rather an aversion. At the time it was hell. It really sucked, and I hated about half of it. The other half I learned from. <br />
I respect you. You've done what I cannot, am not ready to do. And I know how. I will not. I haven't given up yet. I probably never will. But that's me. I'm proud of you. Do me a favor. Help the young, the new, who want and will do it. The old and experienced can probably handle thier own. Strength. Give them as much as you can. I'm drunk, letting go. Peace,

hi lady,when i see your text,reflecting my life,we are in the opposite direction.i have been drunk for 25 years,sooner or later i get drunk.it is a disaster.though i also feel god's love in my daily,it only means i am still alive,for the wine creates all kinds of dangers which seem to kill me or torture me.so very cheerfully to notice your 20 years victory over the snake[wine,beer,liquor,whisky etc].hope we can be friends through the EP.and i encourage you to achieve another 20 years victory,god bless u.