Am I Crazy?Sometimes I feel like being a Catholic made me crazy. Or like they somehow put a chip in my brain telling me what I'm supposed to think and I can't quite get rid of it or reprogram it.
I went to Catholic school for 13 years of my life, and I was raised in a half Catholic family that I thought was all Catholic for 18 years. I was pretty much a psycho Catholic, one of the ones who believed that EVERYTHING the church said had to be 100% right no matter what I thought or felt, no matter what made sense and didn't. I never questioned any of it.
Then I went to college and learned that there are other religions and faiths out there. I didn't know any of it. I mean, I was the college freshman who didn't even know condoms existed let alone what they were for. If the church didn't want me to know it, I didn't. Suddenly as I learned more the Catholic faith stopped making sense.
I realized that I just didn't agree with a lot of things. I didn't want to condemn the world, which is what so many Catholics seem to do. I didn't want to put 100% belief in a man just because he's the pope. I didn't want to do everything the church said. I didn't agree with the fact that they teach only abstinence sex ed. (Look at how many catholic school girls get pregnant because of that...) I was angry that I had had so much of the world hidden from me. I didn't agree that children are born with sin. They haven't done anything. How could they be born with sin? I didn't understand the whole concept of faith and acts to be saved. I couldn't understand why I had to tell a man what I did wrong instead of just talking to God, or why we prayed to Mary and the Saints and not straight to God. None of it made sense any more. I mean, I still believed in God and all, but all of the rules, all of the regulations, all of the guilt...I didn't buy it.
I thought I was done with the Church, but having to go to Mass with my family when I'm home for the summer I realized something. I don't want to be part of the church, but I see baptisms and communions and it kills me that my children (who, mind you aren't even conceived yet...) won't do those things if I don't go to church. Why? I don't want anything to do with the church so why do I care about those things? Am I crazy? Or is this a normal stage of recovering from Catholicism?