After 14 Yrs Of Co-dependency....My co-dependency has led me to loose everything and everybody I use to have around me. My husband has always battled with substance abuse and I always dreamed of saving him from the streets and his friends. I lived my whole life trying to build a dream life for him to want to change and be more present in our lives and luckily I did...for a while...after all, it only took me 7 years, 3 relocations and lots and lots of tears along the way. I lost all my relationships, including those dearest to me...like my mother. Well after a while I was so bitter and lonely that I became the abuser and making my husband feel useless was my high...little I knew it was all part of the "co-dependency cicle". I've put my family (including my 3 boys) thru hell...my husband gave in to his weakness and lost himself in hard drugs. For the past 3 years our family has been thru the aftermath of all that. I lost myself when he left, I lost my job, our home, my car...everything I let go, cause all could think of was recuperating my husband back. I really didn't know what that really meant.
Well it's a story..that's for sure..it's a story that includes drugs,cheating, hunger, abuse and jail. Yep..1 yr ago I made the hardest desicion I could have made, I called the cops on my husband and got a restraining order against him. I cried, lost his family support and since I already had crushed any relationship with my sisters and parents...I was completely alone.
Now I understand that everything happens for a reason...my husband spent 7 months in jail. 8 months without his children and had to undergo several sicological treatments. Today he is a recovering addict and I am a recovering co-dependent, why do I say that? Simple, I have loved that man since I was 15y.o,that I can't deny, but today I love myself more. He wants to be a part of our daily life and has been supporting us in every way possible for the past 3 months. I wont lie, im scared...scared of getting hurt again, hurting the boys again, but I am also scared of not giving him another chance now that he is clean and has been clean for so long. My sister is upset, my friends don't even know and I feel embarrased of even thinking of the idea of telling them that I am giving that "monster" another chance.
All I can think about and make desicions for is me, the difference is that now I know what a healthy relationship is suppose to be like, so with that in hand and always trusting not to do what I dont feel confortable doing I now find hope. So even dough my family and friends do not comprehend how or why, all I know is that everybody desearves forgiveness as long as you never put anybody before yourself....
sandylo 26-30, F 2 Responses 1 Jul 2, 2010