Getting Out Is Just The Beginning!I did not suspect I was codependent. My partner did not abuse any substances, unless you count coffee. I did not know why I was so angry all the time. I did not know why I had built such animosity towards him. Sixteen years ago it began to build. I kept thinking my husband had ADD and did not do things to me on purpose. I made excuses when he forgot my birthday..several years in a row..when he did not help with the farm...for 13 years...when he was nasty to everyone who came onto the property....and they stopped coming...when he had no friends to speak of...when he could not remember anything we spoke about...when I could not express my feelings...when all he cared about was forcing me to have sex with him...when he displayed pattern behaviours...when he refused to go to counselling...when he wouldn't get his ears checked...when he broke everything he touched. I stopped sharing a room with him 12 years ago. Then I suspected that he had brain damage. Now I am 100% sure that I have been living with someone with Asperger's Syndrome. He had communication problems, social problems, pattern behaviours and obsessions. He was incompetent at everything except his obsessions. I became codependent because there was no other way to live with him. I fell for years...into an abyss of emotionless hell. I couldn't enjoy the things that I knew I loved. But I kept them up anyway. I had to single parent the kids, but I had a second one anyway. I had to run the farm myself, but I took horse boarders in anyway, I had to run my dog breeding business alone, but I kept 6-8 dogs anyway. I knew that I loved my animals, I knew that I loved my kids. I knew that I loved drawing and painting, nature, horse back riding, showing dogs and raising puppies, teaching......but I got no enjoyment from these things. I was screaming inside my head all the time. And I continued to work full time.
Last November, I informed him that I had enough. I had stayed because I grieved the loss of the farm and the lifestyle. I had stayed because I thought it was best for the kids.....after all he wasn't violent, he didn't swear, he didn't drink or abuse drugs, he had a good job. I didn't know how much our non positive emotions would hurt the kids...and myself. I knew I was unhappy for a long time... I knew I needed to leave for a long time. I told him we needed to sell the farm and try to be happy separate. Again, there was no emotion, no argument. then, day after day, he tried to convince me to keep things as they were. I exploded! I told him there was nothing redeeming about him. I told him I hated him more than I had ever hated anyone in my entire life. I shrieked that nothing could make me stay. I had wanted out for a long time, and I was getting out.
I thought things were bad before, but he found ways to make them worse. Much worse. I thought I couldn't possibly hate him more than I already did. I was wrong. I thought there was nothing more he could do to me. I was wrong. I thought he would be able to put the kids first. I was wrong. I thought the police could help. I was wrong. I thought the C.A.S. could help. Again wrong. I thought the lawyer would help buffer me from him..again wrong. People with Aspergers are not guided by those subtle social rules that everyone else automatically picks up. He is arrogant and egotistical. He thinks he is smarter and better than everyone else. He thinks he is above the law, and all documents. There is no amount of paperwork, money, law or talk that will protect me from his abusive nature. I have left. I have sold the farm. I have moved a house, barn, drive shed and storage unit by myself. I have bought my own house for the first time in my life. I do not feel safe. I cannot protect my 4 year old from him. I can not remove my 15 year old from his control. I cannot count on a system to do what is right, or to protect my rights. All I can do is try to heal myself and minimize the impact he can have on my life. I pray for him everyday. I pray he has a heart attack. I pray that a Mac truck runs him over, I pray that lightening strikes him. You get the picture. I cannot forgive him for everything he has done and continues to do. I cannot find it in my heart. I am as anti-sexual as a person can possibly be. I want to be man-free for the rest of my life. I cannot truly find peace with myself. I am tired of anxiety attacks. I thank God for my good friends. They are saints.
instar 41-45 3 Responses 1 Jul 12, 2010