Long Road Ahead Of Me

Well to begin, I'm a codependent, changing my ways to not be, but I still notice to codepent tendencies in myself.  My mother is an alcoholic, and I grew up with that, plus I grew up with a dysfunctional family. There is a lot of abuse and plenty of alcoholism, and of course tons of denial.  I didn't even know the term codependent until two years ago when I had to start therapy. At first I thought well this will be an easy fix, I'll just watch myself and it'll be okay. Boy was I wrong, I stayed codependent on my mother and got into the worst relationships, and I didn't realize the crap that was going on, that I was letting go on. Letting the abuse go on with my mother, thinking I could make her quit and that my family would back off once I accomplished this. My best friend kept warning me over and over and over again that I was being codependent and she warned me over and over about the men I was chosing to have "relationships" with.  The last guy I was with, long distance lasted maybe two months, met him off the internet....Well I was warned but proceeded to meet him, and sleep with him on the first night we met, and kept believing all of the lies, and then he had to go out of state, and the next thing I knew I was finding out he was engaged. I didn't even see it coming, I didn't even realize how messed up that situation was until it ended. I still didn't believe it was codependent it was though, I'm still not totally sure of all the things I didn't see. So I proceeded to be even more codependent on my mother. I eventually moved in with my best friend and her mother, because I had the opportunity, plus I was sick of my mothers drama.  She was still drinking and I still spoke to her, went to see her, and really stayed codependent on her, and didn't notice. Until she went into rehab and things became clear, I was bending over backwards b/c I wanted her to sober up so bad. She lost her job and things were going really bad for her once she got out after being in there a week, and three weeks of sobriety and bam she began again, and I got upset and then quit talking to her for about two months until I get an email saying she was in the ICU at a local hospital. She is alive, but she nearly killed herself, and is dying of cirrhosis, that she didn't have prior to rehab and was warned about. I'm still rarely speaking to her, even with her brothers recent death, I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to go back to being her lap dog,and having her treat like crap. Although all of the family seems to want that, because they don't want to deal with it, they want to try to push me into it and attempt to intimidate me, sadly for them, it's just making me mad.  My mom is my biggest codependent relationship, that I don't consider a codependent one anymore, because I'm trying to better myself and keep myself away from all of the abuse and dysfunction. I don't know where it all originated, I just know it is common with children of abusive parents, alcoholic parents, etc........The thing that is toughest for me though is men, I want a healthy relationship, but I'm not totally sure how and where to start within myself, cause I know I'm no where near ready for that, but I want it some day. I want to be able to look at people and say I'm not codependent anymore. Plus it would be nice if I didn't feel so akward and/or sad when I attempt to speak my mind, that is if I even get the courage to do so. and it would be nice if for once I knew what I wanted and could stop wanting someone to rescue me, I want to be able to take care of myself emotionally and not need anyone.
Greeneyedandcurious Greeneyedandcurious
26-30, F
Sep 19, 2010