When Our Vices Desert Us, We Flatter Ourselves That We Are Deserting Our Vices.When I first found out about my husband’s infidelity and betrayal, I was completely destroyed. My whole existence was shattered into an unquantifiable number of pieces that were too small to make sense of. I was having a tough time just managing to exist, let alone live my everyday life. Even after I discovered his indiscretions, he still continued to relentlessly hurt me.
Anybody who loves an addict can tell you that their addiction will inevitably cause you immense pain. Addicts become extremely skilled in the art of blame, because as long as they have someone or something else to blame for their actions, than their addiction is not the problem and they do not have to give it up. Since you are the reason for their problems, YOU are the one who needs to change, and everything you do, is WRONG!
I knew that what he was doing was wrong but I could not convince him that it was. I spent countless hours searching for answers, I needed to know why he was repeatedly hurting me and I needed to find a way to make him stop. Through my research and meticulous study of my husband’s behaviors and reactions, I came to the deduction that he was a sex addict and searched for a marriage counselor who’s specialization was in sexual addiction and betrayal trauma therapy.
We went to see her together just before Christmas ’09, and in our first session, she told us that she wanted to split us up. That she would take my husband on as a client and had another colleague that she wanted me to begin with. She told us that we would both need to work on ourselves and it would be at least a year before we could even begin couple’s therapy.
After that visit, my husband refused to see her again, until he cheated, yet again and I insisted that we begin the treatment that was suggested to us. The beginning of February 2010, we started seeing our respective therapists once a week and began working on ourselves. We signed a disclosure agreement that allowed our therapists to confer together on our cases to allow them better insight on our course of treatment…
But my husband was still acting out! He would be on dating sites all night long, chatting with different women even pleasuring himself to them pleasuring themselves on the web cam. I know this because I had spyware on his computer the whole time. He would lie to me constantly and I got sick of finding his lies (they hurt so much more when I believed him) I am not proud of my spying on my husband, I just couldn't take the lies anymore.
I remember thinking that there was no way that our therapists would have me endure this agony for an entire year. There had to be something wrong, so I demanded that we at least have one couple’s session so that we could set some ground rules. An appointment was set for March 17thfor all four of us to meet, I would have my therapist there for support and he would have his… He canceled the appointment that day and left me for another woman that he had met on one of his dating sites!
I continued to see my therapist religiously, every week and I diligently worked on myself, while he continued to self-destruct. Because I was getting better and he wasn’t, the contrast between my healthy behaviors creating peace and happiness for me, and his unhealthy behaviors pushing him deeper into depression and chaos, became more obvious. This obvious contrast made thing get even worse for me, he developed a fierce hatred for me, fueled by resentment, which manifested into a personal vendetta aimed to cripple me via emotional torture. I alone, held my family together and led them to salvation.
The lesson I learned throughout this whole ordeal, was that the only person I can count on, is me. I spent so long trying to force him to change, to make him stop his addictions and be the person that I wanted him to be. I put so much effort into changing him; someone that I cannot count on and will never have control over, that I completely abandoned the only person that I do have control over, the one person that I can always count on… me. It is such a simple concept, yet so difficult to realize.
It was as if we were both jars, full of our own personal holes. He couldn’t fix my holes and I couldn’t fix his. We were both pouring effort and love into each other’s cups, just like we were supposed to but it would leak out of our holes, just as fast as it was poured in. We both needed to fix our holes ourselves and that is what I did. Regardless of what he did, I continued to fix my holes.
He returned to therapy in September and has been doing so well in therapy as well as SA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) that we were even able to begin some work in couple’s therapy on schedule, even though he took his six-month sabbatical. I am proud of the work that both of us have put into our relationship, coupled with the amount of money that we have spent on therapy, that makes this marriage pretty valuable, don’t you think ;-)