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Sometimes It Takes A While For Awareness To Turn Into Actual Change

I have an old friend who disagrees with my parenting style and doesn't like my spirited son. This really hurt my feelings and also made me question her as a friend. If the tables were turned I would do anything I could to support her in learning how to discipline a spirited child. (we're both first time moms and her son has a gentle, quiet nature) Not only do I not feel supported, I don't feel respected. She wants me to spank him which I will never do. but she has repeatedly suggested that I do even after I've repeatedly said that is against my morals. So I feel like she doesn't get me, she's judging me, and she's not evenTRYING to be understanding. I've been totally twisted up about this and then I woke up this morning and realized my old co-dependent behavior was at play here. It's SO hard for me to assert myself with her. I sort of go blank when I talk with her. I had this GIANT realization that so much of the problem is ME. I hide from her in fear of judgement. I don't share myself for fear of rejection. I am ashamed of myself around her because I'm so different than her. She's a stay at home mom, I have a full on career producing commercials. I am into yoga, meditation, health food, working out, getting 8 hours of sleep, she's into smoking pot all day and drinking every night. I like therapy, she has never been. We're so different. and it's not really her fault. I mean she is selfish and screwed up but that's her prerogative. I respect her even though I don't agree with her choices. I think she basically respects me even though she thinks I'm lame for not being as rock n roll as she is. so the real problem is me. I need to let her be, not expect her to be the kind of friend I can rely on, and just see her when I feel like having a few glasses of wine and shooting the ****. it's so hard for me to do this. I was up all night crying, feeling like my life is so lame compared to hers (which is insane- I have an amazing life) and feeling like I'm not as mellow and able to just chill. I always have to be 'bettering myself" and growing and evolving. she's happy just being her alcoholic self. Why do I care what she thinks of me? so annoyed with myself. any advice on how to break this pattern please let me know! I'm going to work on making goals for myself and living for me. I have this weird voice in my head that's her commenting on what i'm doing, who I'm with etc. it's always judging. I don't think she's as judgmental as the fake friend I have in my head. ya know what I mean?
lsm007 lsm007 41-45 Mar 19, 2012

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